I used to think my therapist meant going up to my abuser and saying “i forgive you,” then continuing to interact with them. I could never have done that. My anger was the only thing protecting me from falling back into more abuse again.
I eventually realized she meant “acknowledge that the person who abused you is a human being, and not some alien monster. They have thoughts and dreams and feelings and fears like any other human. They exist on more dimensions than just the pain they caused you.” That was something I was able to do. Eventually. After I no longer had any contact with him, and there was no risk of me putting myself right back in harm’s way.
It helped me to be able to remember the good memories, and feel like he hadn’t stolen a massive chunk of my life or left me irreparably broken. It let me acknowledge the things we have in common, so I could come to terms with my own unkind thoughts and feelings without hating part of myself. It helped me form more stable relationships with new people, because I could note the similarities they had without thinking it was a sign they were secretly a monster waiting to strike. It helped me feel like I was the one in charge of my life.
I’m glad that works for you @Ninjastar, it seems like you’ve overcome that big hump in the road and are now feeling at least a little better.
I dont think I’m at that stage yet. I don’t have any contact with my abusers so I don’t know if they’ve continued on abusing others. That makes it harder to look at the good times. There were so few good times any way. Right now I’m in the angry stage. And I hope I hold on to some of that anger forever. I feel like I have some power over them if I’m angry at them instead of fawning.
I think a little bit of anger gives power. Like I’m finally standing up for myself. Anger is a helpful emotion. It lets you know when you’ve been wronged. Too much of it can bring you down but I think maintaining a little can help at least me acknowledge that something awful happened to me, and stop minimizing.
Polite disagreement. Some things are not forgivable and the fact is that I am doing just fine using my approach. You don’t have to forgive something, but you also don’t have to keep reliving something if you don’t want to.
I was there for a long time. And it was a good thing. It helped me stay out of danger. It helped me protect myself from other people who wanted to hurt me. There did come a point in my life where that mentality stopped helping, and started hurting. It was around the point where my life had improved enough that I was surrounded by people I didn’t need to be wary of.
Those people would make genuine gestures of friendship. I interpreted them as attempts at manipulation. I was used to boundaries being something were vindictive, because in the past they only popped up when I was being punished. Setting my own boundaries felt like an act of aggression. In many cases it probably was, because that was the framework I was used to. Someone else setting a boundary also felt like an attack, and I responded like it was.
I was sorting people into good or evil based on whether they shared traits with my abuser, and some of those traits were things like “enjoys the same music” or “has the same car.” Needless to say, nearly everyone was being sorted into the evil category. Nobody was in the good category, except maybe one person at a time who could do no wrong, until my brain shifted and suddenly they were an evil manipulator who had been using me from the start. Then a new person would take their place.
That mindset was driving away the new, healthier people in my life. People who like healthy boundaries are creeped out by someone who doesn’t express any. People who are used to being treated kindly often find it upsetting to be teased, even in a friendly way. People who make genuine gestures of friendship don’t want to have to spend several hours convincing the person that they were sincere. People who see others as people, instead of personifications of good or evil, don’t like when others try to shove them into one box or the other. All the people I wanted to be around more found me unbearable because I wasn’t operating on their wavelength. The “forgiveness” was more about changing my own mindset to match the environment I was in, rather than the environment I left.
TLDR: different mindsets are helpful in different settings. There is nothing bad about holding your anger while it still serves you.
I think when you forgive yourself you’re taking back the power over an abuser. Abusers, society, and even ourselves, can create a narrative that we, not the abuser, are at fault for our own abuse. We say: if I only didn’t talk to that guy; if I only didn’t go into that room; or if I only didn’t wear that dress. No, none of those things gives permission to someone to abuse you. You bear no responsibility for your own abuse.
I also think that having anger in your heart will consume you as a fire consumes a forest. And you have to keep in mind that the person you’re angry at is unaffected by your anger.
Lastly, by taking back the narrative you empower yourself to establish reasonable, healthy boundaries, so that you can have an awareness and understanding of abuse to prevent it from happening again.
The year my father died, he finally admitted that he abused me and he told me why he did it and he apologized. I was so grateful for the acknowledgement and the apology that I forgave him through copious tears. We were friends when he died.
I am at this point now. But I am still angry. Anger in a safe environment is good for me right now. My friends are awesome and my partner is everything I could ever want in a partner and more. Fortunately I only have to deal with my parents over the phone because they live so far away. One of my abusers is my brother so I am choosing not to talk with him and have blocked his number. I feel good about it. I even came up with a plan to hold more power over him without tipping my family off. Just so he knows I know. I think it’s going to help me vent some of my anger because it involves art.
I know this now. I was so wary of everyone that I couldn’t make friends. I was in an abusive relationship, so for many years I thought everyone was just out to hurt me. I know better now. And I know not to push good people away by boxing them up into the bad box. (Good analogy btw).
Thank you Ninja, I really needed to hear this. I hope you are doing better these days. It sounds like you are.
I’m trying, and for once in many many years (probably ever), I am recognizing the very limited resources little bittercat had. No one to tell and no strength to fend off my abusers. I am coming to terms with regretting not screaming out when it was happening. It’s hard but I am getting there.
I don’t necessarily agree. I have some wild anger in my heart now and it is protecting me. My inner child from experiencing more abuse at the hands of someone I’m supposed to trust. It’s helping me to uphold boundaries and recognize when people are being nasty to me. I won’t say this will be forever because maybe one day I’ll get to the point where my anger is no longer helping me. But for now. It is doing me lots of good.
and I’ve made many mistakes