So, like last year has been havoc on my mind. Part of it was my fault, I’m widely aware. But here is what happened. Around March of last year, I might’ve taken a few too many psychedelics. I was at uni, and I was smoking cannabis nearly everyday. If I would look back at the effects I had then, now, I would notice that I’ve been getting pretty bad anxiety from the cannabis and it would give me some geometric fractals that other kids I hung out with would not have. I continued smoking since I thought this was the normal effects of cannabis and that started my downfall at uni.
I started off as a straight A student but as my cannabis intake started growing my willing to actually attend classes started falling. Pretty soon I was missing class almost every day and just working at my job to buy more of it. Soon I was starting to take psychedelics. At first I started off by making my own DMT (since I was actually interested in the chemistry and the process to make it) and shared it among my friends who told me that it was the most intense experience they ever had. Meanwhile, what I would experience was just extreme geometric fractals that overtook my whole vision. I started to suspect that psychedelics affected me different but I really didn’t pay attention to it and just continued to think that I just wasn’t opening my mind enough (whatever that mean, its what I thought at the moment).
After that started experimenting with other psychedelics like LSD and mushrooms. I tried LSD twice, and the first time didn’t really feel too much from it, all I had experienced was very manic behaviour. I tried mushrooms, and all those did was make me fell pretty darn good. The second time took LSD, though, I truly experienced what a psychedelic trip was. The music I listened to, though, induces a lot of anxiety darn good while under the influence (It’s crap like Metallica, Avenged Sevenfold etc.) and since I listened to it while tripping I induced a lot of anxiety on my trip. I really don’t know why but I decided I would, after like two weeks from the last trip, take a huge amount of LSD. This is really where my huge mess up really begins. I took it and after about an hour, was in a full blown anxiety attack. My vision was mysteriously intact, but I started experiencing intense geometric patterns and my field of vision was completely overtaken with intense visual snow, to where I could only see where I was focusing on a specific point. The walls were definitely melting all around and I called a friend over thinking it would help. He recommended I play some video games to take my mind off it but even the TV was extremely saturated with color and looked as if though it was melting. After the effects started to decrease I told him I was alright and I told him that I would just ride it out.
He then left, and I just looked myself in my dorm room. I tried playing video games but they couldn’t hold my interest for more than a couple minutes. I finally settled on some GTA V and just played the heck out of it. After most of the effects were gone I noticed that an audio hallucination remained. The main menu music of GTA V stuck in my head for the whole day and wouldn’t stop. I tried to just got about my day but the music just wouldn’t stop. For some reason, I decided to smoke some cannabis with some students but all it did was bring back the negative effects and I felt horrible after. My whole body felt like it was buzzing and I was constantly worrying about what other people thought about me. This was my first experience with anxiety which I was wholly conscious about it. I stopped smoking , and since it was the end of the school year, I went back home.
I felt totally depressed, hopeless, and full of anxiety. I constantly replayed the same song over and over in my head, which was a very depressing song I must add (Save Me - Avenged Sevenfold if you’re interested). I started to repeat the same conversations with a fictional psychologist in my head (talking about how bad I felt and what I could do to fix it) but never actually did anything to fix it. This whole month I just felt horrible and felt like I wasn’t even alive, it felt more like I was walking through a dream. After this month I started to smoke again. I still felt that intense anxiety but my dumb self decided to still continue smoking. After like the fourth time I smoked, a voice started to speak to me, and started to direct me to actually do something while I was high. It told me to try at least playing the guitar while I was high, in order to distract myself from the madness that was going around me.
Ever since then, I’ve heard this voice guide me through things that I could not even fathom going through. I wont necessarily say that it is a negative, but I’ve tried asking it many times what exactly it is and why it was there. Every time I ask it, all it tells me is that it doesn’t know and that it just happened to show up.
The voice has tried to get me to at least become spiritual or religious, but it seems that I can’t. It’s taught me how to meditate and how to control my psychotic symptoms, which is this unexplainable noise that just repeats over and over in my head. From what I can tell, it’s just a collection of noises I’ve heard before, all bunched together and just set on repeat. I’ve noticed that I can’t smoke anymore or else the voice just starts to put me into a negative introspective mindset and just starts trying to fix what’s broke. I’ve tried to sort of alleviate the anxiety and depression with meds, and they’ve been helping, but I feel so disconnect from other people. I couldn’t really fell empathy for other people when I was younger, and now its even more stronger than before.
I’ve tried searching up what all this could be and the only thing I could come up with is this Buddhist belief that is called the Devine Ear, which I’m not even sure it is. Ever since then, the voice has spoken to me less and less, but the psychotic symptoms are still there. I’m afraid to tell my psychiatrist because I know he’ll put me on antipsychotics, and if my run with Haldol is evidence enough, they suck completely. I felt like a zombie for two straight days after being injected with just one dose, so I don’t even want to know what it’s like to take them daily. I’m currently taking Nardil, an MAOI, for the depression and anxiety, but feel like its sort of making the psychotic symptoms wore even though my depression and anxiety are more controlled. The last psychedelics I’ve taken was a pretty high dose of LSD. Looking back, I noticed psychedelics induced a sort of psychosis that at the time I thought that were pretty normal since that’s what I thought that’s what the effect psychedelics would have. Ever since I’ve taken that high dose of LSD I might’ve screwed up my mind forever.