Hello, I’m 17 years old and I would like to share my story so far, this not a story of my journey but rather what is starting to happen and what I’m afraid of. I apologize in advance for my bad writing, I’m from germany and it’s not the best.
So I don’t exactly know where to start so I’ll just begin somewhere.
I currently ended school and not really doing anything else then planning on what to do.
I started smoking marijuana at 16 and quit about one or two months ago because of the experiences I had: the first time was outside, we were sitting at some park it was quite cold and nighttime, we started smoking a joint and after the effect kicked in I felt so much colder than usual, I actually am one of the persons who doesn’t have a problem with cold weather until it gets like freezing cold (This is all so hard to explain). So the first thing that happened prior to that was me seeing some dudes walking past us (huge distance from us) and I couldn’t really see them but somehow my mind made assumptions in a weird way: I basically thought they were turks that were scouting us to steal ■■■■ (this is were I felt really bad, I automatically saw my thinking process for what it is and the fact that I’m not normally a racist but then my mind has such a superficial thinking process freaked me out within) in reality they were just some random people walking past us. Then I needed my flashlight from my phone for something and my flashlight app has this huge flashflight as a picture and I found it really dumb that they used a photo of a flashlight and started theories in my head about it. The next thing was when we were thinking about switching locations we thought of two playgrounds which should be empty now and that that chairs/tables on them, and then I somehow thought going to one of the playgrounds would be childish because the other one looks more like a park (idk) but this was really weird because two of the people actually acted as if it was and I think their acting was what made me think that. We decided to go to the Park-Playground and I later went home because I was having such a ■■■■■■ up and bad trip and also preceiving the cold way to much.
Then I come to my next experience I was at the house of a friend and after smoking a joint on the balcony I suggested we watch a movie (I couldn’t stand the cold, also I felt like a child not like from my mind but from what I needed to turn this trip into a good direction because I already felt it going into the direction from last time) So I needed something so lay down on, and something to do (and I’m not talking about being stoned way to much but I actually needed it like on another level)
so then we start watching a movie when another friend arrives and I normally liked him somewhat but at that day and all days since I preceived him somewhat of a kapitalism idol: he always talks about new stuff that he has, we should buy, or he is going to get. Also his clothing style looks perfectly like one of those boring teen models, he basically can be labeled so easily; its scary.
Well he came into the room and disagreed with watching a movie since he wanted to do something. (Normally okay with stuff like this, but for me it was like my life is going to end; I just wasn’t able to go out)
Then the third experience is when I stopped smoking, I started hearing different things from what people actually said, I can’t even remember what they said exactly but it was always some bad comment about me. When we played a game of cards they never really talked to me but with eachother and this was real now: I was randomly blushing without any reason also they said I looked like I was really loosing something when loosing at the cardgame. (This third story freaks me out everyday)
After the third experience my perspective on life switched in some ways, and I had really strong social anxiety when walking outside (grocery shopping) social anxiety was never a huge thing for me and I didn’t know what to do with it since it hit me so spontaneously, I stopped meeting friends since because of some personal ■■■■ that went down one of the friends I fully trust isn’t hanging out with us either and the other one was in canada.
I told the other one in canada that weed made me somewhat schizophrenic and yeah.
(I forgot to mention that I needed a perfect setting in the third experience, I not only preceived cold way to good, but also lighting and sound)
I also started dreaming again while this happened but I normally dreamt really rarely and now I can remember the dreams every day in good detail.
I dreamed about a path the other night, and I had most part behind me, but the part behind me looked way easier it was like a path of huge oaks which was bursting with sunlight and the path infront of me was more like a swamp/jungle really crowded path which looked like there is some really hard obstacles to overcome, I think this has something to do with it.
Well know I’m basically scared af, alot of things I didn’t mention also fit into the symptoms…
I’m scared that the schizophrenia will someday invade my life, I have had a childhood and most of my teenage years of depression behind me, this summer I finally was happy in my life again and having this on my mind just completly ■■■■■ me over, I don’t think I’m strong enough to take on more years of ■■■■, am I not for once allowed to be happy?
I am thankful for your time reading this.