It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. Why some people can’t seem to overcome fear and anxiety and some people can. I guess it’s been a big frustration for me for a long time. I feel that because of my experiences growing up, I have learned how to act despite being immensely anxious or fearful about a certain situation. Because of this, I tend to be that person who others rely on to do “scary” things, such as catch a bug or take the dog out in the dark or talk to someone. I have had people say they felt safer with me before, and that I am a very reliable person when it comes to this and that nothing seems to shake me.
In reality, things do shake me massively. People seem to think that because I can act, that my anxiety or fear is less, but it isn’t. I can be just as terrified of that gross bug, or just as anxious about talking to a stranger about something, it’s just that I have learned to push through that. My feelings are intense. Thus even though I am happy that others rely on me, it makes me resentful, because as a result I am always having to put myself through stressful situations because the other person simply “can’t” do it. And I think, what are you implying that my fear about this is less? Why can’t you just suck it up and do it?? Why always me?? But that’s not fair thinking because they aren’t at that place yet where they have learned to push through their fear and anxiety. After all I wasn’t born like that, it was something I developed over time, many years. Also, I feel I have experienced so many terrible and horrible things that it gives me a sort of different perspective. Like if I am fearful over hosting a party for work, I am able to say to myself “ok but I literally gouged out a monster’s eyes with my hands when I was 9 years old, I can host a stupid party” and do it. And not everyone has that ability either. I try to be as understanding and supportive as possible but it just puts a lot of pressure and stress on me, and builds that resentment and irritation.
summary: I’m always the person who people rely on to do “scary” things, and other people feel safe around me, but I’m resentful about it because I feel that people just assume my fear or anxiety is less about things when in reality it isn’t, I’ve just learned over my life how to act despite immense fear or anxiety because that’s what I had to do to live. I am trying to learn how not to be resentful because this isn’t the case for everyone and not everyone has learned how to act despite immense fear. I should be more understanding but am having trouble getting over my anger towards others and seeing them as weak and due to that weakness I have to be put through more stress so that they don’t have to be. Does that make sense?