According to my doctor I’ve suffered from a (relatively mild) psychotic disorder since I was about 9 years old, so for me the question is “would I be fundamentally different if I didn’t grow up (spending hours staring at the ceiling and imagining being interrogated by the FBI, knowing that I’d be killed for using Google on my computer, etc.)” - more “how have I been affected by growing up with psychosis” than “how has psychosis changed me.” Sometimes I worry that I developed a personality disorder because of the way psychosis has warped my reality since childhood. One thing that I know has changed me is growing up feeling so terribly guilty. I literally went through high school assuming I’d have to kill myself later because of the way I’d let my mind get warped. I was probably the one person who was happy to get a diagnosis of schizophrenia, because it meant that I was sick and not spiritually corrupted, which is what I thought… Anyways, sorry for rambling, but the moral of the story is that I believe that living with the guilt induced from psychosis has affected me more than anything else - certainly more than the fear. On the other hand, I’ve always pushed myself to do so much, and maybe that is because of the psychosis. If it is, I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing.
Sure. It’s a mind bender. Being cast to another side of town. Other heights and mostly depths. Not being prepared. Heroes to cross. Looking for a road. Unlearning. Final dissipation.
My first episode, I was full psychotic for several hours, loosing all contact with reality. After coming out of it, I was pretty paranoid yet Detached from emotional reactions. I see some of you mentioned being humbled. I don’t think that episode in itself humbled me, but the way I was treated after surely did.
I do this too
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I’ve spent so much of my life sick, it’s hard to identify who/what I “really” am. In other words, what is my true self and personality, and what is made by design of the illness? I had about 8 years of complete remission, where I didn’t get hospitalized or even take meds. Then it came back full force, and now here I am…sick again. I got sick at 12, recovered at 18, and then sick again at 26. I’m now 34.
If I was to go by what life was like for those 8 years of remission, I’d say I’m not too nice of a person. I could be a real assshole to my first wife, and I probably could have been less confrontational. People on here think I’m combative now. Sheesh, shoulda seen me then. No patience at all, no consideration for anyone, rude to everyone, and had a white-hot temper. I’m sure that the meds have played a vital part in chilling me out.
Oh well, just a few thoughts.
I like you
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It changed me from extrovert to introvert.
I won’t leave my house either…
@minni, you did an exemplary job of describing me exactly. Good post.
In my case yes. I used to be impulsive, I didn´t think well my decisions, I used to be arrogant and stubborn.
Nowadays, I have learnt to have humility, I have learnt that I am not omnipotent and omniscient.
In the same way I learn each time I visit this site and the forum; you have been very well partners.
Tolteca.
I used to b very kind but now I don’t care now about anyone anymore.
@anon40540444. Could you b bipolar? It I’ve heard causes rage & mood swings. Maybe underneath your brain issues you are a nice person.
This might sound a bit sociopathic, but I can be nice when I want to be.
Today was a perfect example. My mother-in-law wants us to buy her stuff often. Some of it is necessary, a lot of it is not. I told my wife that this is getting old and tired and kinda bitched about it to her. Well, my wife took ill last night, so it was up to me to put on a cheery face and deliver what my mother-in-law wanted. I bought it, brought it over there, and was very nice and courteous with her. I came home and chilled out for the day, trying to take care of my wife.
I chose to be pleasant because I don’t want there to be tension between my mother-in-law and me, with my wife caught in the middle. I do this because I care about my wife and what she thinks of me.
My wife is one of the very few people in this world whose opinion and feelings about me matter. Maybe I’m just an insulating person. I don’t have many friends, and I like it that way.
All I know is, I wish I had had access to P.C.'s, Window’s, and Schizophrenia.com in the 80’s and 90’s. I was so all alone in my suffering. It was terrible.
I long let jealousy of my sister ruin my outlook. I still have to work to overcome it.
Jealousy causes a backing out, thus your failure to relate to your parent’s vacation joy. Jealousy is such a vicious cycle because the more jealous one gets, the more one backs out and loses good experiences. I wish you well.
Yes, it changed me. After long years of talking in 1:1 therapy sessions and group therapy, because of this, I went from being a shy, quiet soul who never uttered a peep, to one who would not shut up. And, I don’t think that is a good thing.
I was a nice person pre sz
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Psychosis made me to apreciate the things i lost for some years.
Now i hug more.
I give my love to my family and my friends.
I try to be more gentle to myself and to have care for him.
I try to be more positive and discover the beauty around me and if i can not find any beauty i create it.
I see that change within myself very much so as well… It made me more open minded. I like it though, I think it’s a good feature to have as long as it doesn’t come with anxiety and withdrawal… 