I remember coming back to… in the upstairs used for storage extra room… I had brought the portable speaker and the laptop… the first stimuli I recall was music…
" where the ■■■■ are we at
and how the ■■■■ did we get here?
are you my friend or are you my enemy?"
it made me laugh that pretty much sums up waking up in a diff place than you last remember being at… with the last line asking those questions to yourself…
Sorry. That sounds less than fun. How long were you gone for?
hey. I have DID as well.
half hour I think… I constantly check the time to make sure I haven’t lost any…
@oneeighty there are a few others I would guess about ten total give or take on here who have dual dxs…sz or sza plus DID… we all end up on the same threads from time to time… hope you see the next one… and as I said to the rest feel free to pm me anytime…
cool. I was actually going to make a post today about dissociation in general. I experience a lot of derealization. (‘a lot’ seems like an understatement)
it’s hard when you don’t feel comfortable in your own skin.
Do you remember what took place, or what you were thinking, just prior to that?
make it…i always like to read on the subject… even in the small numbers we have that post here… despite each of us suffering in different ways to different degrees you can still feel kinship with them
What’s the longest time you have dissociated for? I had an amnesia fugue that lasted several weeks. I missed my Birthday and they gave me ECT to bring me back.
holy ■■■■… several weeks would most likely be my death… i would die of starvation if nothing else at all happend…dissociated me has limited functionality… unsure of what my longest event was…i wander also… i would not bet on dissociated me to live for even a week in command…
I don’t know much about it. A couple of trippy memories. They won’t let me see my medical notes unredacted so can’t find out much about it.
hmm… i recall nothing at all… its like i a dreamless sleep but i wake up and don’t know how i got there…
Moments in weeks that make no sense or have any point of reference is not really remembering. I dissociated when i was attacked by 3 guys once, and spent the whole night dissociated and no one noticed. I came to when they put stitches in my mouth, so it seems I am fairly normal when I dissociate for anyone to notice any difference.
I’m not DID though, I just dissociate under extreme stress. I haven’t dissociated for 3 years and before that not for 13 years.
I describe my amnesia fugue as a living death, other than the fragmented memories that I got several years later, it is like you don’t exist. There is no ‘I’ or even a ‘You’. There is no reasoning and it is like I had never even existed. No memory. No being. Nothing. Not even nothing. No reference to even existing.
It is very frightening not knowing what is and coming to from not being. I don’t envy your position at all. I know how it feels to be dissociated too.
i started that way… didn’t become this until recently… before i could see myself i had an elevated and behind view of myself… counting things mostly… the last time i got to watch myself my body was standing in front of a mirror so i got to view my face and i got to watch my body attempt to remove an eyeball with a spoon and a guitar string… to free myself from this spectator position with all of my being i demanded the free hand go for a knife… slicing the other hands palm from pinky to thumb… went to the bone… i felt none of this… i had to do a hostile take over of my own body… now i cannot even watch my body at all… neither of these forms are fun…
Sounds absolutely awful.
I have a couple of dissociated images of myself being sexually abused by my father, so can understand the elevated position of memory. I guess that how most of us ‘dissociatees’ get started.
ah that’s terrible… im sorry…i do not recall any sexual abuse… i was introduced to increasingly painful and brutal forms of unjustified punishments… little did he know i would grow up stronger and faster than he had ever been… luckily by the time i could floor him in every encounter… having been on the receiving end for so long i found no joy in hurting anyone or anything… pain was never my goal i became very good at rendering him unconscious when he thought i needed some punishment… i was a natural fighter… later i was trained and conditioned… and now it would take more effort than most people will ever want to spend to get me to fight them… handing out punishment like this ran in the family for as far back as anyone remembers… i ended it… i guess peace is not free…
Can I ask the timeline in number of years to develop the current mode of your DID? If it’s not too personal. I hope that I don’t follow a similar pattern, you see.
I dissociated during abuse as a child, and then didn’t dissociate again for 30 years, then again a few months later, then not again until 13 years later. I haven’t dissociated for 3 years. I fear becoming DID and wonder if you always dissociated throughout your life? How do you think it became common to have DID moments?
I meditate and worry that this could cause it, so keep it to around 1 and a half hours a day.
im only describing how my mind recalls these events… i will leave out as much as i can but still keep the story intact… this is just how i remember it…im not defending it…
i do not recall a time before dissociating… i had similar stretches of freedom from it… but my longest free stretch is your shortest… i found meditation as a child… became very good at it… i could slip into meditation at will as a teen… until recently i meditated daily… now i have to be careful and never slow my breathing down too much… i accidently meditate sometimes just getting comfortable in bed… the night i gained DID i relaxed and felt like i was floating then flying up… many things happened while i was not within my body… i remember falling in terror… back down… i stopped right above my body and like hot lightning in my skull i felt my mind shatter… had first blacked out DID episode the next morning…
i cannot answer if it was due to the meditation… i want to say so… but if i actually had just fallen asleep and had a vivid dream… that explains even less… actually nothing… i do know i don’t meditate anymore… and its not because i cant…i actively must avoid it…
Does alcohol or recreational drugs affect the amount of episodes you have?
alcohol is rarely consumed even before breakdown… but has had no noticeable effect on my episodes… cannot smoke pot… pain killers were self medication for a while… no longer… do take them if the doctor gives them to me for actual pain though… cannot meditate with opiates in my blood… when i first started to black out if i took an opiate when i started to feel funny it would keep me from blacking out… is not functional as a treatment… the effects mentioned above are only seen if there is large gaps of months or longer between at most 2 days of using them for relief…
all other drugs are unknown…