hello it’s been a while. I cut ties with my two close friends do to some weird reasons. so the two girls i talked about in my last post. i finally was done with all the drama and ghosting. I am rather confused still, but my therapist said i need to get them out of my life, so i did. i blocked them and cut the ties with them.
Do i have a lot of questions as to why they did what they did, yes. i am tried of all the bs going on and getting yelled at for my emotions.
Let me start this off. okay my so called friends wouldn’t message me for about 3 months. i also have been having physicals issues with my meds. so i stopped taking them do to seizures at night. okay fast forward a week. i had a delusion my friends were hurt. so i messaged both of them. not spam them or anything, just messaged them once a day. and no message back form ether of them. was i worried for a week. cuz the feeling that the delusion had over me and made me feel guilty that my friends might be dead, yes. finally after getting a message after two weeks of just me sending a message a day out of worry.
i got told to stop that i am being annoying, if i didn’t I’d be blocked. Fun fact they blocked me!
yes i was grateful i got a message, but also felt like i was wrong to do so. i felt like i was coming off as a burden. fast forward a month and crying my eyes out. my friend Dani (not real name.) messaged me her phone number. so I called her up right then and there. to see if she was alright or needed anything.
She answers and i asked her what in the world was going on or if she needed anything.
she tells me that she been dealing with her abusive mother as well a drug dealer her mom in with. when i tried reaching her an my other friend they were hiding form them in a closest. and had to block and not awesner me. (for an entire two weeks Now That Seems Fishy!?)
she apologized and said she had to go.
Dani has the same disorder that i do (schzioafftive disorder depressed type.) btw and Elie has not had a diagnosis in quite a while.
what really bothers me is they both think they have supernatural powers and have prepressed me into believing it as well. as in they believe they are physics and a higher being as well.
i told them i don’t want to be apart of it. yes they respected that, but i know form experience someone will use that against them. i tried to tell them it’s not real, but they don’t listen. oh well no help with that now.
the reason why i am worried is that i had the same issues lasted for 7 years. men and women alike have tried to trick me to date me. just so i could get more information on my imagery friend. yes i had an imagery friend the same time i met my friends that we are talking about. i grew out of it. yes my imagery friend pops up form time to time, but he is here to help me cope and understand my emotions better. they on the other hand have them two, but think they are spirits or ghosts sent here to protect them.
they trick me when i first started showed sighs of schizoafftive disorder. they said he is here to protect me. yeah he here to help me cope form the scares of people like you have given me. i fell for every lie and trick they pulled on me. they made me feel parodied and abused me. Ellie my other friend raped me and would pressured me to be possessed, by her so called ghost boyfriend. having low self esteem i complied out of fear of getting yelled at or hurt. she do things to me with out my consent. every when i was at school she pressure me in the girls bathroom or in the locker room after gym class. she wait out side my class room during the end of school. and i complied with it. i went with it, cuz i was alone. i thought it was normal to be abused. i thought it was normal to be raped. i thought it was normal to feel guilty and feel like ■■■■ if i said no.
Dani denies i got raped, by the same girl she now lives with. She gaslight me and made me have a mental crisis. i felt like i was in the wrong. i felt like my memories were fake. that maybe i made it all up. and even now i question, if my emotions and trauma is invalid at times. at times with how people make me feel as thought i am wrong.
i felt like i was a danger. just last week i almost sighed myself up to a physics word. i thought i was a danger to others. Dani said my behavior is out of control and i should just stop. right after she tore into me with sharp words and making me feel guilty. making me question what i have experienced was real or not. i felt like my life was real all with in an incent. i started to question that i shouldn’t killed myself back in 2012 then, if everything i experienced was a lie.
Dani said i was the manipulating one that i need to stop. stop and look at my behavior. i apologize and said i am off my meds do the helth problems they were giving me. and Dani said well thats not fair to Ellie. "you should have let her know that you were off your meds, Ben. That seems very manipulating of you to not tell her. (how can i when i am blocked though?)
side note. I seen my friend Ellie at my work and i approached her to see how she was doing, but before i could even ask she starts yelling at me in aggressive and loud manner and my friend comes over and asked if we need to get a manager. i just walked away crying thinking i did something wrong, or that i was being a burden.
i told my therapist just this and she told me to cut ties with them. i did so and i am feeling way better this week.
now i don’t really feel sorry for them. i needed to vent this out rather then going back to toxic friendships and expecting change. they won’t change. i know so over 10 years of the same behavior is a sigh of that.
thank you for reading this.