Yesterday I received counselling at the work training center I regularly go to.
It was an hour session, and the counsellor first asked me to fill out a form that asks me what’s botherng me at the moment, to check personality traits that apply to me, and to make a gragh of my feelings throughtout my life from 100(=feeling best) to -100(feeling worst).
- What’s bothering me at the moment
I lack knowledge and life experiences, especially positive ones
I feel uncomfortable when around ppl
I lack communication skills
2)The personality traits I checked
Perfectionist
I feel different
(One I don’t remember anymore)
3)My feeling gragh
Then, he asked me a lot of questions such as “why it is so hard for you to be with ppl?” “Since when is your pain in you? Is it hard? Is it dark? Where is it? Is it in your heart? Or in your head? Or around stomach?”
Then, we found something hard and dark inside my heart which has been there since I was little. He named it “Mr.illness”. And he suggested I should talk with Mr.illness because it might be the one that makes me sad or angry from time to time with no appearant reason. He suggested I should ask Mr.illness why he’s so sad or angry next time he appears.
So this is how the session went.
I went back home, then I became sad again without knowing why. So I figured this was Mr.illness, so I asked him why he was so sad. But he was like “You never understand me!” I said “Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you”, and gently hugged him, but he rejected me and went away.
I felt rejected, but after a while I thought “Well, maybe he was glad. But he just didn’t know how to show it.” Next time I’ll do the same thing and I’m sure he’ll feel better. Then I’m beginning to like Mr.illness. I used to take medication when this happened. I imagined how sad it was for Mr.illness.
So anyway, I’ve always had problems with being ppl or how to interract with ppl. So I tend to choose to be alone. But recently I’m beginning to feel sad and lonely, and was wondering why. The reason is because Mr.illness that was the younger me who was rejected by my mother so many times that he decided that he shouldn’t expect her love and understanding anymore. The less I expected ppl’s love and understanding, the bigger and harder Mr.illness got. And Mr.illness was the one that decided to reject ppl before ppl rejcect Mr.illness.
So I need to understand Mr.illness’s sadness and anger as much as I can. I’ve always been in a conflict that I want to be/interract more with ppl but I want to stay alone at the same time. Now I understand why.
I’ll let you know how the next session went.
Thanks for reading. 
