I realized, as I’m sure I have before (not much is new to me, merely forgotten and remembered repeatedly) that I can’t write just for myself, whether I’m just journalling or putting my thoughts into some more creative form, I can’t do it. I get nothing out of it and feel no enthusiasm for it whatsoever. Unless…there’s an immediate audience, it’s being read by people.
I wonder, for someone with such shattered self esteem, could this be narcisistic in some way? I wouldn’t consider some aspects of narcicism remaining with me completely aside, as I was and during high points and times of rediscovery, still can be, pretty full of myself.
Whatever it is, it’s led to me putting a veritable library of posts and diaries out there on the net that may have or threaten to be my own undoing. A lot of which I blame on a drinking “problem”. But even sober. Even sober.
I don’t know…something about when and how much I go back and reread my own posts, here and in the past elsewhere. I’m not saying I AM one, just wondering if my compulsion to post on forums may be an aspect of it.
I think you would more likely be narcissistic if you were satisfied with writing for no one but yourself. It’s perfectly natural to want an audience to write for.
I’m naturally actually an introvert, to extremes. But yes, an introvert who finds that energy of others attractive to the point of somehow feeding off it, as if it’s contagious.
i’m kinda the same. it’s quasi-paranoid wish fulfillment, i think, the “maybe” that someone’s out there reading it who legitimately cares and might intercede in our lives.
