So its been such a long time since i have been here. I am not sure if anyone even remembers me but I am here.
I am in a bad way. Have been for some time now. I used to cut myself when I was younger. Then I did it again 8 years ago. Then I did it again, after 8 years. I have been cutting for days.the passion in this world I’ve created is too much to take.
Old, bad habits came back. My coping skills are failing me. Or am I failing myself?
As I sit here and type I am still staying at the blade… begging it to take it all away.
Shameless in my attempts to gain control of myself. This is ridiculous.
I called the hotline to talk to someone and they were just not getting it. I couldn’t deal. So I did it.
I feel better and disappointed at the same time.
I am just trying to put these pieces back together and rebuild this vase of mine.
I’m on new meds… They are working… it is so peaceful and QUIET . BUT the reality is,my life is falling to pieces around me and I don’t know how to deal with these situations that have occurred. I just punish myself. Why?
Very anxious. Very sad. Very disappointed. Very…alone.
echomoon,
try not to be so hard on yourself. Don’t think of cutting as a failure, just a slip up. If you dropped one egg would you throw the rest of the dozen on the ground and break them all? If you got one flat tire would you slice all the tires? No, you would take what you have and try to build on it, try to overcome the part that is broken. I was a cutter too from age 9-19. Now I am 33. I slipped up a few times between age 19-33, but never got back into cutting like I did everyday from age 9-19. When I see people with scars on them I get triggered. I don’t know why but I do. Like I’m jealous that they still get to do it. I can’t cut anymore. I am a professional. I am a graduate student. I am a grown woman now. I try to tell myself this.
My advice is to not buy razors or blades and throw away the ones you have. I know, there is always something to cut with, but I preferred straight blades that I bought from the drug store so I stopped buying them. you are not alone. do not be disappointed, take it day by day, or hour by hour if you have to.
Brooke
Than you Brook. I try and do the same thing. I mean I have people around me constantly and I am so alone.
I know I’m better than that. I just have a problem with everything going on around me. I have too many buttons being pushed at once. The pain is too much for me to deal with properly.
Your advice is awesome. I am trying.
i hope you are having a better day today.
take care
Surprised with flowers! Should be more excited. Can’t really remember the last time I got flowers. I still feel like I’m losing it. I feel better and also worse now. Blah!
I am just going to keep listening to music and fade out…
Flowers are awesome! 
Sending you hugs and good wishes!!!
Welcome back
I hope you find what works for you