Today was a hectic day. I went with my husband to do my drivers licence for the second time since I failed the first time. We went over the mountain pass to a town about a 100 miles away. I really thought I would succeed, but things went wrong and I didn’t. I have to go back again another time. I was bitterly disappointed and cried all the way home. I wanted my husband’s sympathy, but another man was driving us, so he couldn’t give it. When we got home he was angry with me for a brief while - but it was enough to set me off on a rampage with the scissors. I slashed away at my arm in anger and sadness, until the blood dripped out. I must have cut about fifteen scratches or more, it was really bad. When my husband wanted to come reconcile with me and finally comfort me it was too late - the deed was done. He was really upset that I cut myself again, and so was I, because I thought he didn’t care about me so I could cut. but he did, and I felt sad for hurting him, too. He made me promise to never cut myself again, and I promised.
So it was a finality. I would never cut myself again. Will I succeed in using the elastic band snapping method? Or will I break my promise in the future? I hope not, because I hate hurting my husband like this. So, never again to cut myself. Because if I accidently kill myself, he said I would kill him too. My heart goes out to him, suffering with this crazy borderline schizo woman I am. He said I must stick to my pills now, even though we were thinking I could come off them, We are too scared to leave them. So its another day in the life of a schizo for me…
I’m sorry this happened, and I’m sorry for the sadness in your house right now. But I am glad you have a husband who does love you and wants you to be safe.
I know it’s hard to do, but take comfort in him and maybe to see the water and do something relaxing together and try not to emotionally beat yourself up over this. That is not easy I know. I bet you both feel a bit of heart ache. But you have each other. Bad days happen… it’s how quickly we can overcome them that lets us know if we’re getting stronger or not.
Good luck and I’m hoping for happier and more successful days to come to you soon.
I’m sorry you’re going through that. I used to cut myself but haven’t done it in years. I finally got to the point where I didn’t want to do it anymore. You have to get to the point where you’re sick and tired of doing it. You could make promises til you’re blue in the face but until you’re done with it it won’t make a difference. When things build up and you get to the point where you want to hurt yourself you need your own resolve because promises won’t make a difference even if you mean them. Something that helped me was to have a self care box. Keep things like red food dye, a piece of paper with reasons why you love yourself and are worth fighting for, maybe a picture of your husband, and things that give you comfort like a stuffed animal. Anything that makes you feel good. Therapy helps too. I was borderline and my therapist helped to teach me mindfulness and learn what my motivations for doing things were. Also once I worked through my trauma it made a huge difference. Good luck to you.
yea its been about 1 year sence i last cut and its pretty much pointless inless you get in your veins then its better cause you will pass out and all your probelms r gone.
Sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed. Try to take some steps back and take things slower, if you are not seeing a therapist maybe you could see someone to talk to. DBT therapy might be a good option for you- it has a great track record for Borderline and impulsive self injurious behaviors. Wishing you well
