Chronic Shame from Neglect

[Genbu]

So much of this article connects a lot of dots to why I feel chronic shame.

https://lindsaybraman.com/childhood-neglect-chronic-shame/#:~:text=Kids%20who%20grow%20up%20in,a%20symptom%20associated%20with%20alexithymia).

But I didn’t really know how neglect and abandonment was affecting me. I just know my tendency is to want to dissociate.

–

"Healing from shame can be a long process. It involves learning to be vulnerable to show our emotional needs (to ourselves, our therapist, and eventually with our relationships) and risking vulnerability in hopes of getting the good care that was missing in childhood. A person healing from chronic shame needs to experience more than a cognitive connection with others.

Recovering from chronic shame requires many experiences, over an extended period, of expressing needs and receiving, in response, a sense of being held, being cared for, being loved, and being seen.
"

–

Yeah… That bold bit would’ve been good to know some time ago… Because I thought it would just go away or something…

But actually it seems to have created a part that I live with that feels really narcissistic… I hide it a lot and of course feel shame about it. Which… only makes it harder to heal.

Awesome.

The article is a lot to take in, but some of those insights are kind of relieving. I think they mention how neglect can cause narcissism.

But anyway, I had a moment of relieving some shame through visualizing the other day:

Imagining someone who you think you’ve made upset, or has shamed you, coming to you and they say something like: “It’s okay. I don’t hate you. I’m not mad at you.”

Something along those lines and it gave me some relief.

Otherwise everyday I feel this thing - chronic shame - is constantly creating anxiety and pushes me to paranoia… Very hard to be in those states without support right now.

[anon67450902]

Im sorry you feel this and are going through all of this right now and possibly for a long time carrying all this weight on your shoulders.
Is there anyone who you can talk to in person?
I think you just need some friendly support from someone

[anon67450902]

I read the article and its very good. I was emotionally and physically neglected too and relate to feelings like this. I also have trouble with anhedonia lack of pleasure in anything and very little emotions felt myself, i’m dx with sz and other things.
I will do my best to chat with you about this if its what you want someone to chat to.

[anon10648258]

I feel this too. I feel shame all the time. My mother was and is so ashamed of my psychosis, and there were several incidents in how she forced me to pray in the living room to “pray the demons away”. Everytime I admitted myself to the hospital without my parents’ consent, my parents called me when they found out and started yelling at how no one would accept me (including governments…what?) because I admitted myself to the psych ward for treatment. This made me avoid them even more. I just deal with my own ■■■■ because I’m really uncomfortable with telling my mother or my father about my psychosis. And my brother doesn’t even know that I have psychosis because my parents hid it from him. They said it’s too “shocking and terrible”.

I don’t think I would ever heal from my chronic shame…

[Genbu]

It’s possible to heal.

The major issue I fear is that it requires being open and vulnerable to express our emotional needs with someone who is safe.

Right now, I just feel an overwhelm or emotion/thoughts and the shame itself blocks me from feeling it.

That’s a huge part of healing is needing to feel how much pain we are in from being pushed away by family.

I had a moment to myself last night and it was just a huge storm of emotions; fear, pain, despair, heartbreak, abandonment, isolation…

After that I felt some relief and my breathing returned to normal and I could rest a bit easier. No messy mind.

Later I had some feelings of self-love and acceptance about some painful things like grief.

But from reading your posts I definitely got that sense that you’ve got that chronic shame too…

If you read that article there are some things that might be helpful.

For me, it’s just that I am extremely sensitive and cultural norms do not approve of guys having feelings or being sensitive. So I need a space to myself to feel things out…

I’m not about to sit like a child and rock back and forth in front of other people trying to soothe. But I need those moments or it just causes me to dissociate.