But you can't

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I get this advice a lot from some sources out there that just don’t seem to get it…

“Just rest”

Thing is when you grow up in poverty and live with chronic shame that continues to come out you from outside sources as well as internally from parents/caregivers? You just can’t ‘rest’ that easy.

I don’t think our mental health system understands how mental illness tends to start is within our environment and how we are treated - our brain begins wiring based on these things.

In poverty, the trauma you can endure is emotional but can also be physical. Witnessing fights, violence, arguing as a child is damaging to your perception. And the thing is, you just can’t ‘rest’ or ‘snap out of it’ once you figure this out. At least it hasn’t worked for me.

My nervous system is overtaxed because of chronic shame from caregivers; you’re either too lazy or you’re just a ‘bad’ kid for doing something wrong. Caregivers fail to realize that this sends a seriously damaging message that causes us to associate ‘us’ as ‘being bad’ and therefore we can grow to feel chronically shamed.

However, for me there is also a problem with general anxiety because of witnessing a lot of horrible things growing up and feeling like those things ‘out there’ are always going to happen, or something bad is lurking around the corner at any moment.

At this moment, I am trying to ‘rest’ and ‘unwind’ and it isn’t just the feeling of being ashamed to rest or take a break… It’s the unbearable exhaustion from anxiety and insomnia that have wrecked my physical body. My eyebrow muscles unfortunately seem to be cramping and it is causing me to feel more anxiety and dissociate…

But recently (several months ago) a fight broke out with me and my brother that had me storming out the apartment to spend a night on the street homeless. My god, it was gut wrenchingly awful, but for a moment it felt nice to get away from home stressors. I got picked up later and it ended up with me returning to live with grandma in a small one bedroom apartment with like 4 other people.

We ended up moving later to where I am now and I have my own room to ‘rest’… but it feels nearly impossible and even scary. During that time living in that apartment my insomnia did not get better (no surprise living with 4 other dysfunctional adults) and I slept about 1-3 hrs a day. During that time I felt unbearably exhausted because I was trying to ‘do my own thing’ as well as taking out trash and doing dishes daily.

When it finally came time to move? It was more exhausting and probably physically painful more than I realized. I say that because I was mostly not connected to my body - constantly distracting myself. When I did sleep its like my nervous system is screaming all the time. But I had to move all kinds of crap within 24hrs because apparently these ‘adults’ didn’t think to have things planned better and we had to move out immediately. So we did a crap ton of moving crap even though my arms felt like noodles.

Anyway… What was I going on about? Oh yeah, rest… It’s not that easy…

And it doesn’t feel like you can get much help. When I seek help its like everyone wants to whitewash over your issues and tell you to ‘keep going’ ‘you’re doing great’ ‘you’re so strong’ ‘you got this’ ‘you’re doing really well’…

No. I’m not. I’m bordering on breaking mentally because there is really a limit to what you can physically and emotionally take. My arms and neck and face/eyes/nose ride/eyebrows feel like they are cramping but I can’t tell because I’m disconnected from my body - who wouldn’t be?

Growing up in poverty though does break you and it is traumatic and I just wish the mental health system would get that it doesn’t feel worth enduring it if others are creating drama and pain for you. Mentally and emotionally it is exhausting. My nervous system is shot. I still rarely get a decent sleep and feel scared because its like my eyes shut but I don’t even feel how my body or eyes feel. Mentally I developed coping mechanisms that unfortunately did not work or hold up. They just brought serious freaking pain. I’m hoping I leave my body, because at times when I try to relax its like my body is screaming from cramps and exhaustion and pain.

But yeah, I’ll ‘just rest’ and it’ll get better? Worse is I don’t feel as if people within the mental health system believe anything I say. A doctor thought I was ‘making up’ my eye pain since I told them at the ER I have mental health issues…

That was a mistake it seems and how freaking sad is that? What kind of world are we creating? I’m about ready to quit because if the pain I relax into feels too intense? I’m out. I’m done. Unless I can dissociate my way out somehow…

Unfortunately that’s something I feel I got some shame about from stupid self-help gurus out there suggesting its a ‘bad’ thing’ or some defective mental symptom. No. Its very much valid to do at times. It has potential to help get through something.

But that’s why I’ve been absent, sort of. Otherwise I wanted to just let go of this place because its a pervasive feeling I have is that I just don’t belong in this world. I don’t like being told otherwise either because I can’t fit in unless I’m being dishonest and that hurts.

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Theres ‘mental health’ in the media what everyone talks about then theres actually living with illness thats debilitating and makes it impossible to function normally. I understand what you are writing about and absolutely it affects nervous system for me too and has many symptoms. Its hard to be mentally ill when majority are normal think8ng brains inside them

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Sorry to hear how your environment has affected your psyche. Poverty crushes a lot of dreams. Safety and love are always a hands reach away. There are a lot of philosophies out there where they alter your perspective on life. I have friends who are trapped in middle class lives, nice houses, good wives, and they wanna escape sometimes. Bearing with our lots in life is something I believe everyone does. I mean people are glued to tv’s 24/7 being bombarded with materialistic philosophy. It’s no wonder most of the world is on antidepressants. Have you heard the story of the Chinese farmer; it has to do with not knowing whether outcomes are good or bad in the long run. I wish you a good day.

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I skimmed through as i’m a bit psychotic myself right now but will try and read whole thing. Thanks for posting this though, I can really relate to hardship and a dysfunctional family right now.

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Yeah I’ve looked up a lot of philosophies and perspectives about things but mine always overrides it:

This life is [bleeeeeep]

It’s not just the dream crushing, but the stressors from family being so dysfunctional that have made living feel unbearable. But not having a support system outside of that is crushing.

The help I got didn’t feel like help. Like, they don’t recognize how serious mental health can ruin your life on top of dysfunctional family making it feel worse.

I hate to complain, but it just needs some serious changes.

Being given some sedative for insomnia made me worse. It needs to be more understanding our feelings because those I recognize as being behind my insomnia; its a constant feeling of unsafety. And that unsafety is reinforced by environment when people are being sneaky, rude, neglectful, or just in your face violent…

So when I lay down my brain is like ‘scanning’ all the time for threats… But more so when there is serious muscle pain too.

But the tools/methods feel very inadequate that people are taught in the field. I definitely don’t agree to taking medication for ‘depression’ when I know I’m depressed for real things that I need help with…

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I can relate. I’ve been in some bad circumstances. Luckily I was able to get on hud and get away from all of it. I also had a supportive family and mental health care team. Idk maybe you could apply for hud idk.

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I really feel for you man, I can’t imagine living under those circumstances. I have no advice, just know that my heart goes out to you

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Poverty IS traumatic. People who have never experienced it don’t understand just how profoundly it affects you, and it is lifelong. I suspect it is a HUGE part of what drives me. I have a lot of people who be like HOW CAN YOU WORK. In my case it’s HOW CAN I NOT WORK. It doesn’t matter how tired or sick I am, I keep going and find a job I can do if a previous job or career blows up. Half crazy as well? Doesn’t matter. Onward and punch that clock.

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Thanks for the replies.

Some other things that I forgot to mention that are still reeling in my mind: when I was at my worst I threw myself into a bush with my eyes peeled open and got some broken twigs in my eyes. I seriously dissociated after that.

My mom also got in a wreck and she seemed fine when she came in which shocked me. But she needed therapy for her severe back injury and to this day she still doesn’t ‘rest’ like she should. And I think, but how can she? She sleeps very little and goes to work anyway.

Hell what drove me mad was that her work even ASKED her to come in despite the fact they knew she got into a wreck and still needed some rest.

I’m sorry but it’s like my heart grows very dark and my mind gets very sharp and cutting because I want to scold people who are narcissistically forcing people to work without any consideration for the pain someone is in…

THAT’S the thing that keeps me up at night. That narcissistic bosses/leaders are exploiting people like we are all just a means to their end. And we are caught in a zero-sum game in a sense because if we don’t comply? We are out on the street and basically left for dead. If we do comply? Your life is essentially thrown out the window because you will be exhausted day in and day out with little time for yourself or any of your loved ones - if you have any.

And I sincerely take issue with the fact that the self-help industry (a multi billion dollar industry) thrives on our suffering and gives us a sliver of hope that we just ‘might’ get through the other side by being one in a million who become successful. So you get built up by hope only to be let down to the point of more exhaustion. Or you simply just don’t have talent/ability or because of developmental issues you will struggle to accomplish anything of value that can turn into money.

It’s all a horrific set up… And should our lives really be a matter of ‘luck’?

The self-help world sells people the idea that we ‘make our luck’ and therefore the rest of us who fail to do so? We’re losers and therefore also in the wrong. We are set up for shame no matter which direction we go.

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Ugh im too badly off to reqly understand this but judging from what i could read i relate so strongly. I almost just lost my place of living because of disability (sza and ptsd) and poverty.

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I’ve done that and I’m still waiting for a voucher. I think it’s on a waiting list.

Problem is, I let my mother work out that information because I tend to be bad at understanding those questions.

And she doesn’t 100% seem on board with letting me go and live away from family. I have to get that info for myself somehow and call about it but it’s been over a year on that waiting list.

I’m hopeful something about that will turn up because I know leaving family will allow me to sleep and rest better and process this and move on.

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Have you tried melatonin? Its a 100% natural dietary suppliment that helps with sleep. Can get in stores for cheap.

I’m using right now cause not on psych.meds anymore either, I get 5-6 hours on a bad night

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Yeah. I take it every night for the last few months.

It helps but my sleep is still broken.

Problem now I find is just relaxing my tense muscles.

My neck/jaw/eyes/forehead are constantly tense from trying to stay awake or something. I just relaxed my neck and felt some relief but there’s just a fear of pain that my muscles are in from prolonged tension.

I’m just trying to be self-compassionate or patient or whatever, but the pain of my eyes is mostly frightening to me. Never would wish this on anyone…

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I relate to that so hard.
My past has conditioned me to be productive at all times. I can barely sit down for two minutes without thinking of something more productive I should be doing.

I feel the constant hustle for survival had become a permanent part of my body, and it makes me constantly strive be productive even when I’m desperate for rest.

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Sounds about right

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