I am not diagnosed with schizophrenia. However, I have said that I believe I am “schizophrenic”. I have said it for many reasons. I’m fresh here on this forum, and could not sleep and wanted to “write” and seeing that I am plagued by the frequent thought that something is “off” about myself, I thought I might share some of my personal thoughts and beliefs and life occurrences. All in hope of relating to someone.
So i’m just going to freewrite so to speak.
These days I lack.
there is much grief and sorrow. and pity
i have seemed to lose the connection to the individual i use to be.
ive seemed to have failed.
ive seemed to have gone mad.
i am constantly apologizing for the way that i am.
there is much hate i have for myself.
there is much desire to love again and be loved.
there is also much anger to those that wish to get in my way.
i am tired not allowing myself to have a point of view.
i have given my perspective up to others.
i once was devoted to the god of my youth.
and seemed to have fallen short.
and in that great understanding, peace and joy - i now in turn know the matching grim of life
i would say i am cursed. or under a spell.
i am disconnected.
i live a life alone though i desire it not.
i isolate.
i believe lies.
days flash by. and nothing is reaped. nothing is sown.
in my vain efforts to better my situation regardless of all the emotion, all the feelings…
i succeed, and accomplish. though so indifferently.
feeling as if in a trance. dazed, and confused.
feeling angry towards god.
then feeling as if i am being irrational.
all the isolation, all the burning of my retinas - countless days of mindlessly surfing the web, all the neglect to stop what i was doing and realize it is destroying me, destroying my mind.
a binge of self-destruction. i know i sound crazy. i dont care. maybe the ones that are schizophrenic are because they have believed so rigorously for so long that something is wrong with them, lo and behold - it became true.
maybe healing is just a mustard seed of faith away.
I became schizofrenic because of excessive stress. When 15 y I thought my dad would kill me and did not dare to sleep. Then something happened in my head. I was going to kill him instead. But I got a chance to escape and I did. But the voices still haunt me.
Hey thank u for the welcome, and feedback. And reassuring me i’m not crazy haha, I beg to differ. I have spoken with numerous different people. Which led me to try things I would have never dreamed of doing. As far as rx drugs and particular treatments that I do regret doing.
I thought the brain was a rejuvenating organ? I don’t have much the desire for psychiatry these days.
Thank u. I forget that there are people who go through things like that. Actual hallucinations, concrete symptoms of schizophrenia. I am sorry to hear that. I hope you are fighting.
I don’t think you have sz just need some help to sort your thoughts out.
When I had my first classic psychotic episode I didn’t even know anything was wrong or what mental illness was all I knew is that there was a condition called anxiety and it was a scary looking word. That was my extent of knowledge about mental illness at the time
That sounds just like my son in the prodromal period, so you might be onto something. I suggest that you get a referral to a psychiatrist and get an opinion. If you are in the prodromal period, early treatment may stop it or reduce its severity. If you are not, and you have something else, you can get help. If it just turns out to be a temporary thing, you can be happy! But yes, it sounds familiar to me… That is exactly how my son was feeling and talking for a long time before he was diagnosed. I WISH we had gone to the psychiatrist earlier.
If by early treatment you’re suggesting inorganic drugs, i’d rather endure on organic foods and exercise as “treatment”.
Sorry to hear about your son. I am very close to my mother and try to avoid worrying her.
I’m trying a change in lifestyle. It’s the “self-destructive” lifestyle that onset much of the “psychosis” in my life. Affecting me to the point to where I could not engage with others. Which should be a natural organic thing. In my opinion of course. I still feel very confused a lot of the time. And not in an energetic state of mind. But here I am pouring out my thoughts as usual instead of internalizing them and addressing them. My bad
Don’t you think that pouring out your thoughts is a step in the right direction? One of the most debilitating parts of sz is social withdrawal. Pouring out you thoughts is going to reduce your isolation, plus it shows trust in other people, instead of paranoia, and can elicit help and support, which can further reduce isolation and paranoia. Keep pouring, don’t internalize, if internalizing isolates you or leads to destructive brooding.
I do, but to an extent. I just don’t want to be self admitting to new people I may meet that I have this that and the third “wrong” with me right off the bat with them. Maybe i’m going through this that and the third is more respectable.
But I agree with you sharing what you are going through is a step in the opposite direction of paranoia and isolation. I’m very luck and very grateful to have the same friends I had before being hit with this chapter of my life as open and welcoming as they were when I was more of someone THEY wanted to be around.
Me and my buddy are kind of journeying together, and he and his parents have been kind enough to let me into their home.
I guess i’m just saying there are far worse conditions to be trying to live through in this world.
Yeah the world can get to a point to where you’re just stressing and stressing over unimportant things to even stress over. It’s good to have a way to release it. I try physically somewhat. Cause all that stress can eventually effect your body.
And then of course, you could just not stress about anything…haaaa.