In dissecting the schizophrenia I have come to my own personal values about the illness.
It started as inner isolation and repression, I knew I didn’t fit the mold not a cheerleader or made up like the other girls. So in this growing pain i found myself faltering for the words or points of focus to really assign myself a term or sense of identity, being sent to boarding school was a tip of the ice berg because I was far from home…I began feeling manic and depressed from bullying and so I acted out partly just to be taken out of boarding school. Chronic fatigue, silent insanity I felt I was slipping away. I wanted to find myself and there was all this darkness no where to land! I was manic for sure but I don’t know the different between that and psychosis, I stopped bathing for a week or cleaning my clothes the sounds were ringing from the vacuum and I couldn’t block.
Remedy: social confidence and stability
Communication with aspects of my fragmented depressed identity that was under developed what I wish I’d had. My current doc thinks I’m depressed but it’s a little late for that.
With a pre disposed condition I was labeled paranoid schizophrenic at age sixteen. I was forced to take risperdal and other anti psychotics from the on or I’d randomly go crazy was the fear. The threat of madness was enough to keep me submissive and compliant.
Ignored my thoughts and was misguided into it
I had therapy but it wasn’t exactly helpful
Often had me like a cadaver for them to poke fun at
Then I met a boy from California with schizophrenia and we had an online ur friendship and talked for hours about existential beliefs and nature magic shamanism he kind of repaired my heart and soul I was so broken and afraid!
My therapist taught me about neuro plasticity before my dad stepped in and said I needed the medication forever and confronted her and my unheard emotions suffered again. I dug into the Icarus project how to cure schizophrenia and Carl Jung who says these are just unexpressed hidden traumas…
Well I wrote my memoir and put back the pieces
Exposed at least to myself the role I endured under institutional psychiatry and how they dehumanize us.
Weed cured my epilepsy and social anxiety but I don’t need that just seemed that when I smoked it opened doors to expression often shut tight.
Seemed like if I could handle hard drugs I could handle anything and overcame addicting behaviors and borderline lashing out due to how I feel
Basically completely confused and betrayed. I think it’s a joke kind of and that it should not be given value today like they are above science…
Because there’s no legit ADHD test and my doctors demanding it and there’s no such thing as add lol
People given medicine for comfort not cures and it should be seen that way unless we’re all meant to be sick and broken ruined with it. Hospitals are for the rich it’s all for the rich on the backs of the poor often in prison given the same pills some of us think is to treat an actual biological condition…
It’s not a biology problem and those in jail will say it was the stress and isolation that broke them just like I was kind of broke to satisfy that role!
Not sure if my moms activism was the issue but it seemed to further put me at odds with the system and our whole system which is falling apart in the USA where freedom love creativity gardens oceans our whole earth being torn from within.
Voices are secret pains secret inexpressible fears and they are only cured by feeling safe and secure irs merely PTSD it’s trauma and sometimes biological not for everyone…
Trying to get my life together I’m overwhelmed
Prescribed: Zoloft, buspar, abilify, vyvanse…
Currently only taking vyvanse because no one listens anymore