Finally starting to break out of the delusion.
I started labeling the types of hallucinations they have with various numbers. 1-5. Calling them out when they occurred instead of processing their words. Broke the psychotic focus and showed me that all these hallucinations really do come from one internal source. Calling the numbers out in my head made this “counter-consciousness” of sz to cycle through to different types. Messages would turn into voices or vice versa.
People aren’t telepathic. It’s the sz’s awareness that moves from hallucination to hallucination maintaining its presence behind the scenes.
It’s a disease of the cerebral cortex. The product of bad neuroplasticity between the auditory, lingual, and environmental awareness centers of the brain.
I had to really put myself back together… And looking back I can see how much of a dark broken mess my mind was back then. So much so I feel like I should cry and grieve for that person who was trapped in that back their.
Maybe someday I will, but not until this ■■■■ is 100% gone.
It’s a risky perspective to see the SZ as alive in you. At some point I programmed it with the will to live. Which is why it tries so damn hard to pester me, to maintain its presence so that it might continue to grow. It really does know what I know about it.
The thing is though, what makes it safe, is that as the psychosis grew I was also growing. The issues it raised that I had to cope with taught me a lot. It’s not a fun ride, but I truly know myself and what I want now. I have no trauma over it though some might set in later.
Fear of people is the core of it.
If you’ve got that paranoia you really gotta learn to trust folks. Especially the nice ones who have been caring for you the whole time.
What a fucken mess SZ is. What a mess life is.
From here though its pretty clear that I can work, I can find a gf/wife. I will live a normal and fulfilling life.
Psychosis is psychosis. It only happens in people who are predisposed genetically. I’m pretty sure though mine was drug induced.
Things still get foggy when I look back at the time frame that the illness set in. Especially the parts where I was dealing with people. I can see how the voices set in though, how I was curious and then obsessive and how I was basically driving the train into madness.
Lot’s of stupidity back then. I can’t be blamed. The conscious went to ■■■■ before the SZ set in.
So it goes… So it goes…
It’s still a semi-delusion here… But the whole world feels like a mental hospital to me. Healthy people out their living and doing their work. Those of us with disabilities trying our best to manage what we can.
Spring is setting in. Which overlaps with the season I was first hospitalized. Drawing out that perspective on the world.
It feels good though. Calm and sane and inviting.
Still can’t wait to get to chicago to see if I’ve got something real going on with this chick I know. The distance has allowed me to process all kinds of ■■■■ that was really childish. More or less it was just an excuse for me to be obsessive about it. Helped me break the psychotic focus though.
Now with modesty and clarity I can approach her. See how she responds to my presence. How wholesome and fulfilled her smile is to gauge her feelings.
I’m hoping she gives some sign that she is really happy with me. She picked me out at first, but I was different back then. Always changing trying to recover. I was more cold and less needy. Then we really started talking and I feel like she got to my idiotic/psychotic side a bit to well. I’m no longer the mystery I was to her and she’s one to like mysteries. Just hope she isn’t bored of me already.
Will have to wait on that. The spectrum of having a blast with me or the opposite of just cordially getting through the few days I’m with her. Just her honoring the past from a couple months ago when her and I set this trip up.
Hope yall are doing well. I’ll be around if you want to chat.