Seriously, I’m sick of this ■■■■. I can’t stop it; I’m haunted by memories of the jackass things I said and did. I mean, some of it isn’t me being a jackass, but in general it’s stuff I no longer want or need to think about.
This was especially the case for 2002, 2003 and 2005. There was a little mania in 2008, as well. The memories I can’t keep out of my head are mostly from my time in med school (2002-2003) and my first semester of teaching (Fall 2005), teaching labs in grad school.
It may not seem like that big of a deal, but this ■■■■ just drives me crazy sometimes, been going on for many years now and I’m sick of it. There seems to be no way to stop it, though.
Sorry, needed to vent. I’ll go back to thinking about some stupid ■■■■ from 14 years ago momentarily.
I ruminate a lot, but much less than before. Therapy helps me with this problem. I still get unwanted intrusive thoughts that are usually memories and I do beat myself up a lot too.
Unfortunately we cannot escape our past, but just try to be a good person now and try to be who you want to be. If you learn from these things you don’t like, I find it becomes less of an issue.
My memories are of every time I embarrassed myself, and my past is riddled with violence, shattered friendships and lots of drug taking. It was dark times, and on top of that I got Schizophrenia.
You know, this may sound incredibly dumb, but I never put two and two together, that me dwelling on the past was associated with mania. I do the same thing, though, over things that I worry hurt other people and over the way I wish I had said/done something differently. I’m sorry you’re going through this; I can empathize.
I also deal with intrusive thoughts of past bad behavior. Mainly I dwell on how mean I must have seemed to other people when I lashed out constantly due to always feeling like everyone was against me. I try to counter that by telling myself no one remembers/cares about what I did/said nearly as much as I do, but it’s hard. I hope we all can get over this.
At thanksgiving I was talking to my sister in law about how rec. pot sales won’t be allowed in the town I live in when Illinois goes legal on Jan. 1st. She asked why and my response was, “because x-town is filled with a bunch of tight ass republicans who hate weed.”
I insulted the whole house without realizing it… and this just happened…
you can’t worry about that stuff IMO. It just happens…