I need to vent, I’m not expecting replies or comfort and I’ll edit this to totally erase it if I’m asked to I’m sorry I’m just alone nobody understands and this is the only place I feel I can safely express anything like this. Trigger warning I talk about violence and being physically harmed I’m as safe as I can be right now but again I’ll fully delete all of this if I have to
I haven’t slept in two days I just ditched my phone at the wall because I got so angry that my friends have other friends than me that they saw. It’s so unfair they care so much about me and are so kind and understanding but I HATE them right now so much. The voice is telling me their horrible thoughts about me and how sick of me they are how much they hate me and are glad to get rid of me I can see how annoyed they are whenever I text them even though I can’t but It’s true
I want drugs I want to sleep I want to crawl out of my head. This evil goddamn beast this ■■■■■■■ voice. He keeps hitting me. My ribs hurt so much. Yesterday he climbed on top of me and strangled me and I had to throw him off me and run. He won’t stop hurting me. He’s so angry that I’m talking about him but I’m so alone and so afraid
I’m meeting my treatment team tomorrow and seeing a psychiatrist I’m going to beg and beg and beg for just 1 benzo I can’t take it anymore I can’t take him he’s chewing and ripping at my insides I just want to rest but every time I try my body is gripped by static energy and I’m so wide awake, even when I’m asleep I’m awake
It’s really bad I’m so scared I just want him off me I want him to stop hurting me I’m scared and sad I don’t deserve this nobody deserves to be treated like this but he won’t stop
I’m about to get into a warm bed in a cold room very dark and listen to NPR. I sometimes think of a homeless person named Tanya I met at the library who had nothing to her name but a prepaid cell phone. I told her about my bed. I don’t think she took it wrong, I mean jealous, she was happy for me. I talk myself into getting into bed at night. It’s going to feel sooo nice.
I have taken. So many sleep meds. 150mg doxylamine and it has done nothing. I can’t stop twitching and I’m still wide awake. My friends sleep for 12+ hours on 12.5-25mg. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why can’t I sleep???
I don’t know what to suggest, but I feel for you. I’ve gone through long periods of insomnia as well, and it takes time for that to change. Really hoping you can get a good night’s sleep soon
Thank you so much for the support everyone, it means a lot to me
Update on how I’m doing: I finally got some sleep!
I had an initial appointment with my mental health team yesterday, they brought up autism and OCD and he gave me a brochure for risperidol, then sent me for bloods so if those come back ok I can start risperidol soon. He’s looking into where I can get assessed for autism for free, otherwise my only option is paying thousands of dollars…
Was walking to the pathology building and had to lay down on the sidewalk for a while cuz I was so tired and dizzy and weak. The emergency department was nearby so once I could get up I walked there instead. Waited for 5 hours to be seen (not the worst wait time I’ve had but not the best either) and a lady came in that was sobbing and in immense pain so I stayed with her and asked for her to be given a bed 3 times before finally the dr came for me and I was able to convince her to help this lady first. After a bit she came back and was able to give me 3 seroquel. I told her I was scared about getting home on the bus because I’m physically weak and struggling to understand my surroundings bc Day 3 Of No Sleep and she had to tactfully let me know there was no way she could help because the government took away their funding for taxi vouchers. (Thank goodness our coal mines are still having all our tax dollars poured into them. Can’t imagine the medical system here needing any help whatsoever! )
So I managed to get myself home after stopping for lots of rests and laying down sometimes. Took one 25mg seroquel and felt absolutely nothing. Took two valerian root gummies and the other two seroquel and finally fell asleep for ~12 hours. The voices are being very quiet, they’re all too tired to talk. I’m happy about that with the demon even though he wants to get me back for poisoning him and stopping him from keeping me up. I’m really sad and worried about my babbling voices though. They didn’t do anything wrong and they don’t hurt me… They have things they need to do and express in their realities and I’ve hurt them. I feel so bad for them. But I just needed to sleep so badly…
Now I’m just scared for tonight. It took all that seroquel just to get me feeling even a little sleepy. I’m really really hoping that by some fluke the sleep gummies will work. I miss weed so much. I could sleep so easily and peacefully with it. I never realised how much it helped til I stopped using it
Gonna be having a bed day again today as my body is still really weak and extra dizzy from the seroquel. Trying to make sure I eat enough
Hope you get more seroquel if you need it. 3x25mg seroquel is not very much. Doses 25-100mg is used off label to treat sleep problems. Effective dose for schizoprenia is usually 200-600mg.
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