The SZ most definitely… The caretaker’s have no idea what’s really going on in the mind nor how to correct it.
They can only push stupid bull crap like meds, exercise, sleep… basic crap that doesn’t resolve the inner conflict… only sedates it and provides the appearance of functionality and recovery… so much so that THEY can be at peace…
because as sooon as the SZ starts talking about what is going on in their mind… welp the cycle repeats until they shut up about it.
I wish I wish I wish… the world was set up so I could discuss my issues without this occurring. but these people have no insight into my worldview or self-view… in fact its often incompatible with theirs. They get to regard me as mentally ill… it’s dismissive… it shelters them.
■■■■ the normies
if I ever have to become dependent on them again… I will likely have many frustrations in my life.
still ironing out the kinks before I try and start working more. Financial independence = independence overall… even being able to free yourself from their influences and opinions…
My father doesn’t do anything to affect my opinion… only offers advice when I need it. He provides 98% of the support I get from my rents… they’re separated…
My mother on the other hand… cooks me dinner every couple of weeks… she did bail me out one month when I couldn’t make ends meet… even went above and beyond that time. It was unecessary, but I was grateful. Then later she guilts me and tries to make me worried about it happening again, reflecting her own worry. By then though… I had already sorted out a thorough budgeting system… that was 4 or 5 months back…
anyways… if I talk to her about anything life related she starts stress and it devolves into an argument. She feels like she does everything for us… She rarely talks to my brother… I keep in contact with her because I know she needs a stronger family connection… but to hell with that when she turns on me… starts to try and make me feel guilty… she’s going out of her way to establish a position of unquestionable respect she doesn’t deserve. Or can’t really lay claim too. I respect her out of the debt I owe her for taking care of me all these years… especially the stint where I was bed-ridden and psychotic.
It’s like postpartum depression… She works all the time… she even has her retirement planned out… but other than that she seems directionless.
Out all the ■■■■ she puts on me about managing my chemistry and how it affects my mood… she doesn’t employ any of that on herself…
Tough people like feeling stressed out I think… they probably feel like they are venting legitimate frustrations that they come across throughout the process of maintaining their life obligations… Non-sense though… if they had better moods those frustrations wouldn’t be as harsh…
Must be confusing though… to come from a totally christian and strict family… to try to maintain a failing marriage and raise the lot of us kids… to wind up with all the life-structures that she was raised to know dismantled and incompatible… to be primarily alone… as a female not quite ready for this timeframe of feminine independence and self-support. Constantly struggling to subdue her natural thinking that stood for decades about her expectations and try to find a balance that makes her feel as capable as the unfortunately male role models that she had carrying the weight of her and her families life…
Shooting for the moon… it would seem she thinks she can’t show any weakness… she has to have total understanding… she has to be the dominant sociopath my father seems to be. But she is busy… she can’t take the time to expand her knowledge base on a whim… especially not in conversation. Leaving her short-fused and quick to defend what she does know so she can maintain a sense that it is all she needs. Again she is to busy… job on salary… affects nearly every corner of her life…
I don’t want her financial advice… I don’t want her advice on diet… I don’t want the guilt she puts on me when I start talking about my illness… She goes as far as to say that if I’m like the way I get at times when I’ve had the combo of coffee/alcohol/nicotine… that the girl I’m interested in will never want to be with me… that’s when I have to remind her that she started the argument and riled me up. And while I speak sternly and clearly… and I try to make sure that the discussion unfolds properly, evenly, even when it shouldn’t be. She makes it out to be that my concerns are irrational… that my response and self defense shouldn’t be there… meanwhile she is totally right…
Summer starts setting in… the illness suppressed by the colder months start infecting more people… everyone gets sick… god kind of a shitty time-frame.
I needed to vent some of that crap… been floating around in my head for a while.