According to my therapist and the evaluator who diagnosed me who knows all about me from the MMPI-2. He said he expected me to score for being a straight up cowboy (pun intended about the word straight) but no, I am compensatory in my masculine crap and mainly use the lifting and fighting and crap as an outlet for unsavory psychological things. Unsavory psychological things like being angry, wanting to hurt myself and desiring to feel pain. The evaluator told me that if it werent for the masochism that comes from lifting and fighting, the grueling training, that I would have been a very active cutter, that they call cutters “sergeants” for a number of reasons, as well. He told me that Lisbeth from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is like the female equivalent of me. He didn’t know I was bisexual, I was in the closet back then and more concerned with people trying to kill me/spy on me/frame me for murder/do I have to list all of my delusions?! than any sorts of relationships.
My masochistic stuff is feminine. It’s not like I actually am a testy prick. I have a testosterone count of only 499, last time I was checked- 1200 is considered steroids high, with below 300 requiring test boosters. My behaviors are psychologically driven. I also tend and befriend people who cause me discomfort at times, maybe half of the time, which is feminine. The masculine brain would just be confrontational, which I have been at times as well.
Also, when I was finally given freedom to groom and clothe myself when I joined the awesome international high school, I was very androgynous at first, then buzzed my head and bulked up and told myself not to like boys. Well now I am buff as ■■■■and still have the buzzed head and have had a boyfriend before. I’m bisexual. I’ve also had girlfriends.
I feel that the masculinity is a defense mechanism. Like from the song “Coming Undone” by Korn- it goes
“Since I was young I’ve tasted sorrow on my tongue and this sweet sugar gun does not protect me.” I actually told that to my therapist and grabbed my arm, which he found to be precise and amusing.
I guess I enjoy being scary, but I do it out of paranoia, I feel the need to be scary so people wont ■■■■with me, which they don’t. They did before I started looking like a bodyguard or a bouncer or MMA fighter or military person or whatever- someone who lives off of violence. The problem is that I just look at my physical prowess (I mean I actually am football player/MMA fighter buff, and that is not an accident, I go out of my way to look like this) when I have bad schizophrenic days or nights- my body is evidence to me that I am stronger than my brain, that my mind is stronger than my brain. Here I am writing about my mind vs. my brain, this life is a good joke sometimes. I know all about being schizophrenic, because I am good at being schizophrenic. I do whatever it takes.
I also have split emotional expressions on my face all of the time despite having a symmetrical face. My right brain is making an intense and angry face while my left brain is just dead eyed and not making any expression. I remember while powerlifting, when I gave max efforts, like a very heavy squat, I raised my left eyebrow and furrowed my right one and the left side of my mouth gave this grimace while my left side cracked a smile. My shrink told me that this is rare, and he said he can see it too, I brought it up after talking to myself in the mirror about it last night for about 20 minutes.
In other news, I finished a practice verbal reasoning test with time left to spare and missed just four questions, so I should be good for that section of the GRE. Now quantitative reasoning…sigh…I am seeing my tutor tomorrow.
Who else is in between thinking in a masculine and feminine way?
