This is one of my weaknesses in the art of socializing I guess.
I hate making small talk with people, I’m bad at it, some excel at it and that really confounds me.
“Hi, I’m wearing shoes…oh you have shoes too…are they comfortable…mine are good…how about yours…what about the weather”?
I’m not all up in your face trying to tell you my business, but if we’ve been talking for several DAYS I feel we should at least try to talk about something of substance. I don’t think it takes a huge amount of energy.
Sometimes people start talking about the things which are important to them though and our views don’t really line up. Actually most of the time. Then I just wanna get outta there!
Sometimes when I have deeper conversations my lack of knowledge about things comes out and I become self conscious–leads to self doubt and self hatred when I try and steer the convo toward the limited range of things I know a little about.
Having conversations in general is bad for me mentally, I can’t handle the consequences of the mistakes I make, and it makes me feel like a failure and I criticize myself harshly.
I feel like I can never win at life because I don’t look forward to these parts of interactions.
Most conversation is about social cues and not meaning. It really is.
Yeah> you wear shoes but oh you wear nikes they look sick. If you listen you learn how to respond but it’s an endless game you are playing in real time…
Listening gets you to the cues. From there it’s about recognizing people and what they like and like to talk about. A good conversationalist just plays a game. You listen for cues. You respond to those cues you pick up that make your partner/talker/person feel ok and happy. Unless your debating or something but that is rare unless you like to pick fights with people.
Stick to what you know personally. Use that to listen to what others say. Respond to them with the knowledge you know. You may not like to talk about politics but everyone has some knowledge! It’s an art but it’s learned for sure!
I to tally understand most people stub their toe and is the end of the world. I find it difficult to communicate with others cuz they don’t know MY pain. For instance when I mention my fitness or health or cooking, it’s something I’m passionate about and I considernot sz. Unfortunately most people don’t like skinny people. However, I can’t say it’s 4:20 am and I’m up cuz I had a night terror that my little dog was being skinned alive by my dad and was screaming and my dad said if I didn’t shut up he’d to it to me but much slower and more painful. He wanted me to feel more pain than is possible. My husband woke me up screaming…
When I was young, I hated small talks thinking that is a waste of time. But now I got older and have better perception of small talks. When you do a small talk with other people, what you are talking about is not important at all, but the most important thing is you are expressing your kindness and care towards that perticular person by saying “it’s nice weather today”… So playing this kind of small talks everyday is a very positive thing in our life.
BTW, I’m no longer keen to discuss serious things with friends or other people (I used to be). This kind of serious thinking I’d like to do when I am reading a good book and then write something down in my diary or booknotes.
If I’m doing well, sometimes I can make decent conversation, the way @rogueone explained. I learned from observing the way others speak. However, most of the time, I’ll just say nothing.
I’m not exactly uncomfortable with awkward silences, I almost prefer them to small talk. I will literally sit there in complete silence, until the other person initiated conversation.
I’m used to keeping to myself and just doing my own thing, even in the presence of others, and it sometimes really irritates people. They think I’m just being rude.
I have severe social anxiety, and so I never know what to expect with conversations. Sometimes I’ll be fine, but usually panic sets in.
Soon as I’m the center of attention, and everyone is listening to me, my vision goes white and hazy, my head and ears are buzzing, I’m panicking, hot and sweaty, I can’t think, all my words come out wrong, and it’s a mess.
For example, at the grocery store, a couple days ago, a little girl in line had cute earmuffs with pearled cat ears in them. I said, “I like your earmuffs”, but soon as her dad looked at me, I started laughing, nervously, and got all panicky.
It very quickly turned creepy, and I became the scary goth chick, laughing at children… He kept glaring at me, and I almost died.
