when someone hurts me I tend to return to the abuse; I wish I wasnt like that. I feel like I’m so easily manipulated but people make so many extra efforts to break my barriers completey and ruin me. Is it because they dont understand me? when ever I feel closer to my higher self or coming into spiritual or emotional balance, it happens. I feel confident, step a little outside my comfort zone and am hurt. But at home its also painful.
Maybe my dad will eventually allow me an allowance or a car something at least so I am not stuck in my bedroom 24/7 it would help to have friends but apparently I dont have many. Although my one friend advised me to leave the situation if the person asked for money or used drugs or I felt uncomfortable. I started talking to myself more and more because my friends are usually busy of the three I have, or fam and i have no one to talk to so Im talking to voices all day and thoughts in my head and its really kind of sad, I didnt find anything interesting on youtube today or on tv and my moms upset because she said the channels are all gone, which they are like all the channels have been removed. Some sort of cable mixup we barely watch tv anyways.
I almost went back again, still got yelled at for leaving the house and racking up money in lyft rides.
then I won $300 at the casino. Not all is lost but I do need to stop leaving the house it doesnt help when Im constantly reminded of my impulsive behaviors that its a lost cost and there’s nothing I can do because i never change…on the verge of an episode or breakdown, I feel let down and betrayed by existence and i really feel like I lost touch against my consent, I dont think words like stupid or f you help someone because they made a mistake and were too careless and trusting with people.
Im starting to think I have bordeline personality disorder. I missed my therapist appointment today where i was going to ask, I get in these moods where Im not in a good head space and I just do random things that sometimes end in disaster but Im not really reckless i have trouble judging situations before they end up being different than before and everyones out for themselves and you cant trust anyone if you tell them you have any money,