Well today took a 180

I’ve been feeling good this past week and I talked with some of my roommates friends earlier and the paranoia kicked in after they left. This always seems to happen around people. Now my symptoms are acting up a bit. It just sucks that anytime I talk to anyone its ok but once they leave it turns negative internally. Just the same old ■■■■ of how I’m programmed to suffer backed up by whoever I’ve ever talked to convincing me in my head. I just try to say “even if the whole world wants me to feel tremendous pain, I don’t give a damn.” Why can’t I just do things and feel good about them? It’s always the same story with every action looping.

I’m sorry. I wish I had some advice or something to make it not so shitty, but I don’t. I’ve found myself in that same situation so many times. I hope some day you can find a way to stop those thoughts before they spiral.

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Hope things get better man.

What are you telling yourself after they leave that makes you feel so bad?

After sleeping I feel a little better. And its not what I say to myself its what I hear and how it ties into my beliefs that people are connected to try to trigger me mentally and plan out what they say to do so. Its a really complicated belief system I’ve uncontrollably developed and it doesn’t help when I hear voices sound like the people you just talked to go on about the same horrible things of how I’m a terrible person. It just happens if I’m in a social situation and I get left alone. I get very triggered by what they say because it all feels pre programmed negatively somehow. I don’t think I’m explaining myself well, but in short any extended social situation that is purely social my head becomes a roller coaster ride.