An update on how I've been

I feel really depressed today. I’ve been feeling this ever since I exploded at C for the second time. I cried when my Mom barked at me a little. I haven’t had a full on melt down in front of her sense about early middle school or so. She came back and apologized of course but she says she just can’t understand any of this and just always says that whenever I try to explain it to her. I think that she can understand but she doesn’t want to. Not in a bad way, but as a way to cope. She is very religious and into “God loves everyone all the time so much” and I think that helps her too. I think that she blames herself for how I am. I don’t know how to tell her differently.

I don’t have many antipsychotics left to try. I think that is what was depressing me for most of it. The Seroquel and Geodon weren’t doing anything and now I am tapering off them onto a different one. That might be what it is, transitions have always been the hardest for me. I’ve gone back to sleeping for about 12 hours a day this weekend but I like that. It feels better than what was going on before. The antipsychotics and what will I do after college anxiety.
I graduate this summer. There aren’t a lot of jobs in my area and a lot fewer that I could support myself on my medication with. I hate this. I feel like I could go so far if only I didn’t have this bs messing me up. I helped at my Mom’s church’s fund raiser for at least 5 hours after sleeping past noon. This was before I started transitioning. I forgot all my problems because I was working so hard. I slept a lot after that. But I stayed up Wednesday hanging out with a friend and didn’t get to sleep till one. That probably had a lot to do with it.

I’m going to try to make it writing. That’s dumb as all get out. I used to sneer at aspiring writers and did in all my creative writing classes. They were pretty cruddy writers but that wasn’t it. They were all so full of themselves and their own genius. But I am too I expect to think like that. But anyone who can put two sentences together is encouraged to be a writer. The competition to even get published is hell. But it wasn’t as much that. What I looked down on the most was their lack of any other sort of plan. You don’t earn the money JK Rowling did and still is. That’s a one if 800 billion shot.

Try to force myself to write regularly (I’ve written poems ever since I was little and I’ve turned to stories now). So it isn’t a new hobby for me. I have been doing this for years. But I didn’t want anything to do with it. I wrote because I felt the compulsion to write. I asked other people to read it because I liked to show off. Maybe I’ll finally finish a story now that I have to write for my own bread and butter.

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Med changes have always made me very unstable. The feeling is subtle but my behaviors were extremely different. Ended up in me dropping out of school and quiting my job.

I’m on less meds now then ever at 1mg respiridone. Doing better than ever also.

I’ve got an 8 month supply at that dose and then I’m gonna try going med free. I’m hoping I’ll be symptom free at the end of 8 months.

Please don’t go med free. I’m not sure how long you have been on here, I haven’t been back on here for a long time but I was on here a long time before that. I have seen one person go off meds successfully and he (or she I don’t remember) had schizoid personality disorder. I can’t tell you how many people I have seen go off meds and come back and say that was a mistake. No meds=hospital visit. I have seen it I don’t know how many times. Why ruin what you have? Are you well enough to get a new job or go back to school? No sz was why you couldn’t do these things in the first place.

I’m sorry if this comment was me speaking out of turn. I’ve just been on here for at least two years on and off (this last time was the longest off ever. Usually it’s just a couple weeks) and I have seen this happen a ton of times.

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I think if I stay away from illegal drugs I should be fine. I might not have chronic schizophrenia.

If my symptoms aren’t gone in 8 months then I’ll stay on the meds.

You don’t know how many times I have heard that one too.

Thanks for the concern but I’ll be alright. I keep a close eye on these things and I know what to do at the first sight of problems.

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My psychosis is pretty mild. No paranoia just telepathy bs. Really what I have to keep an eye on are voices. They continue to become less frequent and quieter even as I reduce the amount of medication.

Most writers work a 9 to 5 job to pay the b ills + burn the midnight oil doing what they love or need to do.

Have you searched the story market to see who is taking stories? I think sci fi and fantasy is a prolific field. I would try for the New Yorker or Atlantic, which II have in mind for poems when I think about writing seriously.

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That’s what I plan to do. Hopefully a 9-5 with a nice insurance plan, stable work environment, generally pleasant co workers, opportunities to be creative. That’s what I hope for. Writing would be more “oh dear lord this is all so hard I can’t stay stable. Time to break out plan z.”

I’m sorry you’ve been feeling bad. It can be difficult when other people don’t understand. But I mean, they shouldn’t understand, unless they have the illness as well! The best thing they can do is just be supportive and well…not bark!

Good luck with your writing as well! The U.S. at least is in desperate need of some new, original material. I hope to write a book or two myself someday :smile:

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