hi people. how are you today?
me I went out today but I start to tire a bit from all my struggle. ive lost 35 years with this illness. nothing really achieved in my life…
and this evening, in front of my mom I started screaming that one of my ill friend is a ■■■■… nice isn’t it? I am so jealous of everybody and everything. I dont believe that there is a med about this. they called me dumb already once on one another forum with all my complaining… does the schizophrenics have really lower iqs? cause I was really dumb once… strange… but I was also the first in my class in algebra for the first 7 years for example… in the past, I couldn’t imagine that there is recovery from this state of mind and body… but now sometimes u guess I feel it. it just makes me feel me etc etc, its just good, nothing more wow 
keep going, I am sad this evening…
I think it’s really good that you did get out of the house today. It’s an important step, and I think you can build up with time to longer excursions without overly tiring yourself out.
I ■■■■ on the going outs now… I see ugly women on my tv who were with me in school and they made so many things for all this time. I see my ill friend who says that I am ugly in my back and who has more life than me with the same illness… my mother says that we missed a lot and that we wont never have it again…
I hate that your illness has taken so much from you Anna. Don’t give up on the good things. It sounds like your mom is there for you now. Does she know how much you appreciate her?
thank you bee yeap, I think my mom knows it. but my pdoc knows that the problem is my attachment to her. it was like this since forever… maybe my father was ill too, it is too hard to be something easy… Ive knew only the suffering, at least a lot of this… ugly, stupid, not creative, bad, just this… from all the people around me… I never knew the love and no one except my relatives didn’t love me.
Must be hard to live without a creative outlet. I find it difficult to be creative in an original way, but I am quite good at copying other peoples art styles and literature. Also I find that unlike being ugly or stupid, being creative is something you can get better at. All you need is the right inspiration, and if you keep venturing further outside then I am sure you can find it. The world is packed full of beautiful things.