I haven’t posted my story in awhile so here goes.
There is always someone who has it worse than you.
Some people claim they have “mild” schizophrenia, I seriously doubt that that is possible. I’ve met and lived with and been hospitalized with a number of other schizophrenics over the course of my 44 years with this disease. I’ve heard some of their stories and I’ve observed them and I have not seen one of them who had it easy with this disease. I have not run into anyone who can say their disease was mild. I guess there’s the odd exception
But anyways, I can give you a brief part of my history and hopefully you can get something out of it. And by the way, I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia in 1980 when I was 19 so I have been dealing with schizophrenia for almost 44 years. That’s a big chunk of change.
Anyway, I went into my first psyche ward when I was 19. I was in bad shape. After two weeks my parents found me a place to live which was a group home for schizophrenics. I went through hell there, I suffered a lot, every minute of every day for about a year. I was 19 and I had no money, no girlfriend, no friends, no car, no school, no sanity. And that was true for the entire year. I had weird symptoms. It could take me an hour just to get dressed in the morning in a pair of jeans, a shirt, and socks and shoes.
I spent months sitting alone in an old dirty chair out in the backyard fighting to keep my sanity. Every day I felt like I was going to go stark raving mad. I felt hopeless, suicidal, lonely, crazy. I did not improve at all for that year; I saw no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel. I saw no end to my misery, no sign that I would ever get better. But I survived.
After spending a year there I moved back into my parents apartment. I lasted two weeks before they had to put me in a psyche ward again. From the psyche ward I was put in a locked psychiatric hospital for 8 months, where I stayed with a 100 other patients who were in crisis too. I got up at 8:00 a.m. for breakfast every morning and after breakfast the screaming started. After breakfast all my fellow patients for the next 8 hours would be screaming, arguing, cussing, threatening each other. And this is how it went until dinner time, every day of my stay there. They put me on medication there. It didn’t help me get better but I think it stopped me from getting much worse. I don’t know how many medications you’ve tried but as many of you know it is not unheard of to try many medications before you find one that works. And so I’ve been on medication for over 43 years.
And my symptoms were horrible for 8 months, it was like torture. But then I got out. I moved into a really nice, clean, safe, group home in a nice neighborhood. Things started looking up. My symptoms became more manageable and I started going to a day program 4 days a week. After 9 months in that home after a series of small steps, I got a job. I was 22 years old. I still had nothing but at least I was in a nice environment. I stayed at that job for four years and I was actively psychotic for a lot of that time. Well, eventually I got a car, a house to live in with two or three other people. I got a little money, a little power and control. I got pretty stable. I was doing good.
Then I got addicted to crack cocaine. I was addicted for four years and I went through the typical drug lifestyle. I was the victim of violence, I got robbed a couple of times, people conned me and I conned them. I often risked my life and my freedom to get my drugs for four years. Take my word for it, my addiction was not pretty. But I got clean in 1990 through AA and in the last 34 years I have not touched alcohol or drugs.
Well, I’m 62 now. A lot has happened since my disease started. I’m looking back on being employed almost steadily, albeit mostly part time, for the last 40 years. I got my license in 1997 and I have owned and driven a car since then. I went to college and graduated last year and even attended graduation ceremonies. I lived on my own for 20 years, usually renting rooms in peoples houses. I lived by myself in a studio for 6 years while working and taking online classes. In those 6 years I lived like anybody else. I shopped for food, I cooked, I kept my studio clean, I went shopping for shoes and clothes when I needed them, I made and went to all my appointments with doctors or Social Security. I even had my own cat, lol…
But my recent story is a little bad. in 2015 I was renting a room in someone’s house. I was working, taking classes. But then my mom died. I was under a lot of stress and my mom’s death tipped me over the edge. I lost my housing, I couldn’t drive, I had to drop out of school and I had to take two months away from work. and I had to go into the hospital for two days.
I’m just telling you this to illustrate that even when you’re doing OK life is going to throw you an ugly curve ball now and then. Life does not always go smoothly and it doesn’t always have a happy, fairy tale ending. I don’t want to paint an unrealistic, rosy picture of life.
Bad stuff happens to everybody, no one goes through life unscathed. No one. But life isn’t all bad. I’m back at my job, I got a 2012 Volkswagen car that runs well, my living situation isn’t all I would like it to be but it is not that bad. I slowly got back on my feet, I’m getting ready for another round of life’s ups and downs.
And as I write this, it’s a nice night tonight, I’m relaxed and looking forward to tomorrow so I can get up tomorrow and go for a walk and maybe over to my sisters house for dinner. I really do hope someone gets something from all this. I can’t solve your problems, I can’t guarantee how your life will go but I hope I am instilling a ray of hope into your life and as you can see it is possible to make great turnarounds in life.
I came from the bottom of life with nothing going for me, but look how things changed. Most people with schizophrenia show signs of improvement as they go through life. But sometimes there are no answers and you just have to endure the pain and agony and put one foot in front of the other and keep trudging along. There is no quick fix to our problems. You don’t get better overnight. Everybody has different problems and no two cases of schizophrenia are exactly alike.
Some of your symptoms may get better some may not. But you just have to keep trying like everybody else. I don’t want to give you false hope, I’m very lucky to do what I’ve been able to do. But other people besides me have suffered and then made dramatic comebacks. You can’t predict the future. Many people improve, some don’t. Or you may improve a little or you may improve a lot. Who knows? But it’s worth sticking around and try to let people help you. Good luck.
