I won’t get into a huge monologue. Things are always bad in the beginning of the disease, BTDT.
And I remember in 1980 I was 19 and just being newly diagnosed and unmedicated and being in my first group home and laying in my tiny room on my dirty mattress on the floor. And reading an inspirational book that told me “There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.” But I saw no light, no hope, no future. Unbelievable suffering every minute of every day. I was so sick that the idea of ever being able to hold a job again seemed almost so laughable. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t work, or go to school, or have a girlfriend.
I turned 20 in that hell-hole and I had no money and no friends and no car. It almost makes me cry right now thinking back on those days and what schizophrenia did to me (but not quite). For months I would sit alone in the backyard in a filthy, broken down, old padded chair and sit for hours just trying to fight to keep my sanity.
Damn, this turned into a monologue.
And the rest of my days consisted of taking walks downtown, just checking out the stores or going to the used book store for an hour. Oddly enough, I did get around. I used to do stuff on my own. I used to keep myself occupied. In the downtown of this large city I got up early a couple of times and went jogging when the streets were deserted. There was a tiny hole-in-the-wall donut shop that had donuts in the window and I went in a couple of times and bought a donut or two. That was a huge treat.
A major university was minutes from the house and I used to walk there to their four story student union and play pinball or watch a TV they had there. But my mind was racing and I was delusional and very very sick. And I got kicked out of the group home.
So I lasted a week or two back at my parents apartment and it was just constant arguing and fighting. Mostly with my mom but my dad and I had some really bad times too. And then I got that sick,sinking feeling all through my body and I knew it was back to the hospital. And so a new psyche ward and eventually four-points for the first time and no let up. And next stop was a large psychiatric hospital. If it’s possible, I was even worse off in the hospital then in the group home. At least in the group home I could come and go as I please and so I went out to the park sometimes.
But now in this hospital I was crammed in with 80 other mentally ill people people of all ages in a small space, four to a room. It was crazy, literally a madhouse. Literally after breakfast every day, the screaming started. Every day without let-up. The yelling, screaming, arguing, the threatening started when breakfast was finished. And I suffered greatly for 8 long months. This was 1981-1982.
Well, today I got up at 8:30 am. I took a hot shower in my nice apartment and got dressed and grabbed my lunch and got in my nice Volkswagen Jetta and drove through light traffic for 40 minutes to my janitor job. I’ve been there 5 years and It’s in a beautiful city. I was tired all day but people there were friendly as usual and though there were bad points of course, there were many good points.
I stopped at the store on the way home and bought some potato chips and dip and a root beer and ate the chips and drank the soda in my car while listening to Led Zeppelin. It was peaceful and quiet. Got home and picked up the apartment and made my bed.
Tonight I will be doing my homework and I may go to the store I’m resting now.
And I’m looking back at having worked almost steadily since 1983. I’ve gone to college off and on since 1985 and I take online classes and I am finishing up getting my AA degree just for my own pleasure and satisfaction. I lived on my own from 1995-2015. I’ve driven since 1998 and owned several nice cars. I also lived by myself for 6 years with my cat in a beautiful spotless studio. I have taken care of my own finances since 1985.
For the last 20-odd years I have taken care of my own business. I food shop and cook for myself, I make all my own appointments and drive to them myself wherever they are. I pay all my bills and my credit scores are excellent. I’ve dated in the past with a few women who were way out of my league, lol. I’ve had friends, flown across the country a few times, gone camping, to the beach, 200 miles to Sacramento too many times to count, countless restaurants and movies.
I think everybody sees my point.
But I’ll repeat it. My illness was severe, I felt like giving up so often and I’ve been suicidal a thousand times. I’ve suffered, been through hell. I’ve been out of mind in the beginning with psychosis. I worked while psychotic. But my life in the first two or three years compared to now is like night and day. My main problems now are not my disease. I take my meds religiously, always have.
If I didn’t take my meds I would not be a free man. I’ve been down that route already of endless, daily crisis’s. I don’t want to go back. I like going where I please and eating what I please and putting in my 6 hours at work three days a week. And hopping in my car when I feel like it to go to McDonalds or Burger King or for walks or nice drives or shopping in stores for little luxuries. I like talking to my co-workers. I get along with people now better than I have at any other point in my life.
And it’s because I didn’t give up. I lived in the group homes, seen the psychiatrists, attended the vocational programs, attended the day programs, the support groups, the family therapy. I didn’t always like it, sometimes I even hated it. But those are the things that gave me a life. Going to those places set the foundation for my recovery.
I don’t know what else to tell you. I think you guys get it. You may be hopeless now but things change. You will have failures and disappointments but you keep going. Co-operate in your own treatment, let the mental health workers help you. That’s their job, it’s why they went into the field. Life gets better. It goes without saying that you should not do drugs or drink. It can lead to bad things but that’s a whole other story.
I wish you all good luck and I hope this helps someone or inspires someone or gives hope to a seemingly hopeless situation. I’m not particularly strong or handsome, I never had a lot of skills or I was never as great socially as I wanted to be. But with support, hard work and lots and lots of luck I have had a life. Good luck to all of you.