Am i normal?

Health and Recovery
1

I made an appointment with a therapist a while ago because people i really trust told me that i should. It was really hard and i wanted to avoid it because i dont trust institutions and ive tried as hard as i could to stay away from them ever since high school. I caved after i had another bad day and realized that i cant do normal life by myself.

So my appointment is coming up in a few days and ive been really confused about everything. My thoughts have been getting drowned out like when i did mushrooms and i couldnt pay attention to anything or focus on anything, ive just been asking myself over and over if im crazy or if im normal and this is just a pretense. Is it possible that im just spending too much time questioning myself?

Basically i really honestly think i have a demon that follows me around in my shadow but it owns my brain and makes me unable to think sometimes, like it plays music really loud when im trying to figure out other stuff, or it tells me that im in hell and i can never be rescued, and that the therapist is secretly an evil servant of god who wants to record my thoughts and get my soul taken from me, and it makes me feel like people are looking for me so they can catch me thinking evil thoughts, like they know im aware of the demon and theyre trying to punish me for it.

I dont really hear voices except sometimes on extremely bad days, but that hasnt happened in a long time. I think maybe im not actually crazy, maybe im just cursed. I feel like i need to run away and separate myself from other people so they dont try to help me and get wrapped up in my curse, but i wont do that because nobody wants to help me anyway, they dont even seem to be aware that i have a curse or they just dont care.

Whenever i try to explain this to other people it just doesnt come out right and it sounds more funny than scary, so i just act like it’s not a big deal, but really im extremely afraid of it. I dont know how to express how scared i am. Ive gone in a grocery store holding a knife before and people looked at me like they were afraid, but i dont know why i made people scared, i just felt like i needed it. The demon used to live inside my guns and i thought it would go away after i got rid of them but it still takes over now.

Am i just overthinking this? Ive been trying to ignore it and focus on other things, i took a walk around my neighborhood earlier and i felt ok but i just felt restless, nowhere felt comfortable and i had to get up and go to different places where i felt alone but everywhere i felt like i was being watched. People looked at me weird when i went into the woods and came back out but i still didnt feel comfortable there. I just couldnt be myself, i had to pretend i was normal. Honestly i really felt normal, i wasnt thinking too much and it was peaceful but it just wasnt very safe so i came back home and now im thinking too much again.

I wrote a long stream of messages to someone this morning and i think i should show them to my therapist because it doesnt make any sense when i read them again and i want to know if normal people ever do that.

Am i just overthinking this? I dont feel crazy but the things im doing dont seem normal. Is it possible that im just nervous about my appointment and im just making myself into a crazy person because of it? Im scared that theyll think im crazy when really internally im ok and im just misrepresenting my thoughts or expressing myself poorly.

Sorry this isnt edited i cant slow down right now, im nervous and feel really weird about going to a therapist, the only thing that makes me feel less weird is writing. If i stop writing i get physically uncomfortable. I have to stop now and it’s going to feel weird but i just have to, please read this and tell me if im just nervous or if this is something real. Sorry about how long it got, i really wasnt trying to write this much. There’s still a lot more that i want to get into about my past but its just too much.

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Welcome to the forum @rhizome .

From what you’ve said, a therapist is a good idea.

Also talk to your family doctor. They may put you in touch with a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist can diagnose if there’s anything wrong mentally. Be 100% honest with them though.

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Welcome to the forum!

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I dont know how to be 100% honest, i cant tell if im even being honest with myself right now. I cant tell if im overthinking things or if im actually in a really serious situation. I do really feel like im in hell, and everything i experience is created by god to torture me for no reason, and every thought i have is forbidden and im an evil person who cant do or think anything good and god wont fix me so he punishes me for it, but it’s really the demon doing everything but he hides in my shadow and makes me hide myself so he can keep living in me.

Also the person i trust who told me to go to a therapist told me that psychiatrists are evil and they just want to hurt me by making me take medicine made by pharmaceutical companies so they can stay rich.

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Oh also the place where im going said they can send me to a psychiatrist if they think i need it but if it’s just for pills i dont think i want to go.

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That’s not true. Everyone here on this website including me have seen or are seeing a psychiatrist.

It hurts when it turns out there might be something wrong mentally. I mean our mind is what we consider to be us.

But it’s just like a physical ailment. Sometimes you have to take a pill to correct it.

The alternative is much worse believe me.

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Is it possible that im normal, do normal people ever do these things? Did i ■■■■ myself up by tripping on wild mushrooms when i was a teenager and getting obsessed with mysticism in my early twenties? Maybe i just got cursed with a demon and im not actually crazy at all, but my bishop told me that i might have schizophrenia and i need a therapist and prayer didnt help me. I stopped going to church a long time ago because it wasnt helping, i think it just made things worse, plus i wasnt supposed to fall in love with my male friends. But now i feel like ive ■■■■■■ up so many times that it’s impossible to tell if im actually crazy.

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9

Sorry to hear you’re struggling so much my friend. That sounds very hard to Bear. Have you been sleeping well? I know that might sound a stupid question, but it is the worst thing for psychosis to go without sleep.

I hope things start to calm down for you soon

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I’ll be honest.

It’s very unlikely to be a demon and more likely to be something wrong with your brain or mind. A chemical imbalance of some kind.

Like I said, this is very difficult to accept as our mind is what we consider to be ourselves.

But I’m not a doctor, psychiatrist, or therapist, so I can’t diagnose you unfortunately.

I think you’re lucky that you’re seeking help. So many people don’t, and it doesn’t end up well.

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If you stay a while and read others post, you will see that these are not uncommon thoughts or delusions. I also struggle with a fear of hell, and that my voices are demons. But with prospective and time, I am in control, not them

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No i havent been sleeping well but i also dont think im experiencing psychosis. I have in the past but it feels different every time and i can never really tell until it’s over. I question whether some of the times were psychosis, there was one time specifically that was really really different. It lasted like a week and I just felt completely dead. Like literally I was in hell, it looked like earth but it was so sick and evil everywhere, nothing was right, I dont know how to even describe it so ill stop trying, but it didnt have the really fast chaotic thoughts that i usually get so i think that time was actually a real curse, and i still wonder whether it’s actually over. It was about a hear and a half ago, right before covid.

Anyway i had some psychosis symptoms on friday night while i was driving to a friend’s house a couple hours away, but then when i managed to get there it went away and i felt normal and happy while i was staying with him, but i got back this morning and ive just been writing really long messages to people all day.

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I’m glad you get breaks from it, and can be happy while visiting friends. That’s awesome to hear.

Whatever is on your mind, get it off your chest. It doesn’t matter how long your posts are

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Thanks, i started playing some of my old songs on guitar that i wrote when i was really struggling last year and im finding that they make a lot more sense than anything ive written here. This is helping.

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Right on. I play guitar as well, I love writing songs. It’s good for you

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But i do want to mention that for some reason ive always attracted mentally unstable people throughout my life. My best friend for a long time was really crazy and i think the two of us had some shared delusions that we both cultivated in each other, like we would spend a lot of time talking about how evil the world is and all of the esoteric symbolism hidden in everyday life. In retrospect it really wasnt normal but i just didnt think anything about it back then. My current closest friend who i trust more than myself was diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar and has been in and out of institutions her whole life (shes in one right now which is why i had to come here for help). I also met a diagnosed schizophrenic who i fell in love with and we were both really into each other but i was scared of how unpredictable he was so i had to stop talking to him. I still think about him every day because he was homeless and really struggling and i let him down.

For some reason ive just never been able to get along with normal people or understand them so all of the people in my life are really unstable, it’s just what im used to and it’s always been that way.

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That must be very hard. But you didn’t let him down, you saved your own ass. Been there

I seem to wind up with people that are slightly broken in my life as well. I think that’s just the law of attraction

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Hey, i have an unrelated question for you. Your bio says that you had been diagnosed with psychosis and it turned into schizophrenia later. How does that happen? I thought schizophrenia is something that develops early in life and lies dormant for many years before manifesting in psychosis. At least that’s how ive always thought of it. Are there ways that it develops that are preventable? If so, how can it be prevented and what causes it to happen?

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Myself, I developed schizophrenia because I broke my neck in a car accident, including a left sided head injury. Schizophrenia is actually a brain disorder, not a mental disorder.

I have read that the brain structure of skitzofrenix is slightly different. When someone with this slightly altered brain structure is traumatized, schizophrenia arises. I was diagnosed with psychosis many years ago, but have only become schizophrenic in the last 7 years

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Hey i was just looking back at the psychotic experiences ive had and noticed that i always get them exactly twice a year: once in the spring and once in the fall. It’s always exactly these two times of year that it happens. Maybe because i work in agriculture and the job always changes drastically during these two seasons. Is this common?

The last time it happened i was going through alcohol withdrawal so i dont know how where the withdrawal ended and the psychosis began.

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