do you guys ever feel like your schizophrenia isn’t there?
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There have been times when I thought my whole case was manufactured by the authorities, but in my saner moments I know that isn’t possible.
I’ve often felt like I was faking it. I think it’s natural when your illness is intangible or “invisible” and you face stigma for it.
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Sometimes I feel like I’m making it happen, or making a big deal over nothing. Like if I weren’t so mentally weak, I’d be able to dismiss all of it and it would just vanish.
I think it’s a pretty common mindset, to doubt or blame yourself. Where I grew up, we have a strong “push through it” or “chin up” culture - it’s your job not to be sick.
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Several times though I was taking meds for nothing. But after quitting each time and being hospitalized each time . I’m now just thankful that the meds work so well for me.
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People talk about this all the time here. I think it is a common delusion that doctors never mention. Think of it this way: if you were faking it, you would know it and wouldn’t have to ask yourself. I have a theory that the reason why it feels like you’re faking your symptoms is because symptoms aren’t just things that happen to you (or at least that’s not how we perceive them as), there is always this sensation of responsibility.
I don’t have the delusion that I’m faking it, but for me I always feel like I’ve “caused” my symptoms i.e. I’m being punished by delusional forces because of that sense of responsibility that one feels for their own symptoms. We perceive ourselves as an active role when in reality we are NOT the cause of our symptoms and we are NOT responsible for them. I hope that makes some sense. Just some thoughts I’ve noticed.
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This week? Yeah. The rexulti is starting to work. w00t!
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I definitely identify with the being punished part. Probably for different reasons since my sz was triggered by a normal regular dose of prescribed Adderall. I feel like I should have known not to take it because it caused temporary psychosis in me once before and now I’ve permanently broken myself.
For that reason, there is part of me that hopes I’m faking it. It will probably cause another relapse in me if I decide I can go off my meds again.
IDK about that. Taking responsibility for my delusions helped me a great deal in debunking them.
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I actually wrote a few pages last night pondering whether i am perpetuating the existence of my illness by believing in it, thus giving it its power. I was considering that if i could possibly make it manifest, i could could also believe it away, and if that was possible, had i truly suffered or was it all a figment of my imagination, meaning i faked it.
Then i went into psychosis and thought the bugs outside were conspiring against me and that i could catch a shadow person and put my voices in his head in some way, and then blacked out for a spell this afternoon.
Theory debunked!!!
No way i can fake myself into a blackout in the middle of the afternoon while talking to people. Its just hard having an “invisible” illness, constantly trying to prove to others the symptoms we face, we sometimes start believing it ourselves. I chalk it up to delusional thinking and move on about my day, but it is something that pops in my head from time to time.
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At work, I am concentrating more on doing a good job and my schizophrenia fades to the background.
I used to feel like that years ago. I used to think I could “snap out of it” if I really wanted to.
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I’m always chatting with mine inside almost…
The internal telepathy like hallucinations became my friend a while back. Just mimicks emotional responses of people I’m thinking about.
It’s pretty cool though… because instead of trying to scare me and delude me to stay afloat like the rest of the psychosis… The “V” as I call it or “virtual” aim to be pleasant and please me and even praise me at times. I can play with it and turn it into different folk even give it an imaginary form and throws clothes on it or give it a tail… it has it’s own responses it cooks up sometimes.
lol the primary V… if this isn’t to confusing yet is modeled after the last girl I dated. She’ll sit up above me slumped over and bored at a desk as if at work and chase out my hallucinations… especially those triggers by the thoughts of other women. It’s all pretty benign… I do try to phase it out as well and focus on real things. During monotonous moments and stuff though I often wind up chatting with it.
I gave her a bracelet with bells on it… when she gets out of line I recall the image of them and she puts them on and throws her hands down to her side. She’ll also occasionally start biting at the wrist band and then drop them and all that is left is the image of the broken belled bracelet with her having just made an exit emote… it’s quite fun. Or can be…
The thing snuck into one of my daydreams once. I was fantisizing about living in a domed environment and how I’d have an elevator that allowed me to rise to the top of the dome from inside it… from there various track ways would allow me to descend across the dome… so I’m riding this semi-circular platform and imagining the wind blowing over me as I approach the perimeter… I look over and there she is. Miss chicago leaning on the rail… smiling really big and enjoying the wind. Just chilling in my imagination silently…
Never, I get symptoms when I’m supposed to take my meds when the drug has been depleted in my system. I get those breakthrough symptoms and they terrify me, this is life for me.
I like your post. I account it as even if it is a delusion that has no reasoning it is your own reasoning. So instead of denying the symptoms, truly get to the head of your delusion to debunk them, whether that takes overcoming fears, insecurities, doubts, or looking at them from a different direction.
Yes, definitely. I feel a lot of the time like no one believes me or that I am over-exaggerating my symptoms. My therapist says that feeling like no one believes me is a symptom. I also used to believe that because I studied mental health that I developed the disorder because of that, like a medical textbook syndrome. But my therapist reassured me that that too isn’t possible. There are also times when I am feeling better that I feel like I don’t have it, or when I am working hard. But then weird things start to happen and I am reminded that I do have an illness.
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I feel this way pretty much constantly. A lot of it comes from m family. Growing up, when I showed symptoms of OCD, I would get hit. Not hard, like abuse or anything. Just an effort by my parents to teach me to control my strange behaviors. They figured if I didn’t want to get hit, I would stop the weird twitching and head twisting. Instead, I hated myself for not being able to control my compulsions. They tried, and I don’t hold it against them. They were just uneducated about mental illness.
Ive given up trying to find an answer to that question. Like what if we’re all delusional about our delusions? Trying to think whether you’re schizo or not is like shoving the square block in the circle hole. U’ll never truly know if your crazy or not i just try to accept whatever and be cool and not give a ■■■■
I’m so sorry - I know you dont blame them, but their actions had to have negatively impacted you.