Ok, i come to you with hope of mercy maybe idk…
So well, i admit that i had violent thoughts in the past, i had anger for years, irritability, even hate, but try to believe me now - ive always believed in the good despite that, i had terrible remorses too and i developed even a somatic disorder cause i never wanted to act on these…
The thing is that after my dx, i understood that i was sick though and i started to try to change into a better person…
The thing is that i knew so much pain, the pdocs didn’t help me much, ive tried 10 years of psychiatry… i still take my meds though…
The thing is that i turned into a very anxious and paranoid person… i sometimes now cant even listen to a simple convo, cause am just scared that i should solve problems, while i cant even walk by fear sometimes…
I have lots of guilt and shame too, but i now take this even as a good thing, cause my thoughts were very desperate and dark for long…
The thing is that at my worst, am not very reactive emotionally… i can seem cold then, mo matter, that i boil from emotions inside, even love guys, yeap… 
Its just, that i can be so afraid, that i can be unable to act around problems at our home, i suffer though about them too, but i remain in torpeur then and i can turn totally unreactive to them…
I blame myself for that, i wonder if i carry some bad in me though…
My mother is very sensitive prrson and she became very weak with the age, often hysterical even and always shouts at me, when i dont react to these problems…
Well, she was the one too, who was telling me, that I’ll always be sick and alone, she is hard with me on many things and takes my illness like in the military, wanting from me just to be a normie like that, but i love her still and i think, that she loves me too…
The thing is, that they say, that those who do bad, but also those who do nothing are equally guilty and i had many critics from many, that am not reactive…
But i shake from anxiety, ehich even made me to degrade intellectually a lot too through the years, my personality is not adultly developed either…
But i feel the love now in me, i believe totally in the virtues now, before i was totally given up and desperate…
Am still very sick, i can shake even around my ocd for example…
But do you think, that i am bad now, cause i often still cant act around the others suffering or when they need help??
Thats my question… 
Tbh, i know myself the best, i know how the good is engraved in me now, but am not helpful yet, neither emotionally respinsive and the others get mad at me on that… 
Idk if anyone will relate to me now, i talk quite honestly about my bad stuff…
I just wonder if i am able to heal emotionally enough too one day in order to be a decent human being, even with my flaws…
My mom used to say, that my reason is very good for a mi, but that am quite disabled emotionally, thats it…
I really want to heal on that too… i really suffer a lot to be crazy emotionally yet…
Well, i guess that the emotions are in the mind too, but my time is ticking now…
Hugs to all!!
No i dont think youre a bad person at all Anna. Its usually the case that good people feel guilty when they do something wrong, but bad people dont care if they hurt others.
Youre doing the best you can in very difficult circumstances, just like many of us here. Sometimes we try our best and its not good enough, but we cant do more than that so its not our fault.
My advice is try to be a little easier and kinder to yourself, best wishes.
I don’t think you are bad Anna. You are a person with the right to be loved and respected.
In the last 20 years I was on an additional antipsychotic that sometimes made me angry. I’ve been off of that now for 1 1/2 years. My personallity has changed for the better now.
What we do because of ours conditions we can’t be drawn to account for.
That’s not a bad person, example the sufferer is laying on the ground and you step on them that’s a bad person. It’s like, not every human has those qualities, there may be a reason for that that doesnt mean that they are a bad human. It’s understandable. 
You’re not a bad person. Having bad, violent thoughts doesn’t make you bad either. We’re all made of light and shadow. We wouldn’t recognize one without the other. There has to be balance.
Let’s say you were on an airplane that was facing difficulties. People would expect you to put on your air mask before you try to put on another person, such as a child or a friend. Any other order would not make sense. If you can’t breathe, you won’t be of much help to others. This doesn’t make you bad. Prioritize your health. Try and be supportive and encouraging to others when you can. Do the best you can with conversations.
Being a person in bad circumstances is not the same as being a bad person.
We have a tragedy at home now…
I wont enter in details, but its terrible…
But my mom is capable of accusing me to not suffer enough even… while i have also my conversion disorder, i am not even sure, that I’ll be able to walk soon if there’ll be this stress at home…
The bad thing striked at home today, theres hope a bit still, but tbh the risk for a tragedy is big now at home…
The thing is that ill have to see my commission for the disability after the holidays if my papers are ok, am not sure even that I’ll can be able to walk till there…
I contacted my ex , best pdoc, she said that she doesn’t hold a grudge against me and if I’ll need one day, they’ll accept me in her hospital…
The situation is like this, that my mom risks to reject even me too and leave me completely alone in my lonely flat… i wonder if ill be able to take care of myself if this happens…
Sorry for the problems, but am quite without help and support yeap…
Just a question, dont you think, that the zyprexa can increase my paranoia and my anxiety in fact?
Thats all… take care all!!!
I have found that to be true on olanzapine and all the other newer antipsychotics
I see, thanks shellys…
But this is the only ap, who got me out a bit more from the sz confusion, am though still far from a good well being…
It was also the only ap, who put me on legs fast, cause without it, i stop totally to sleep and eat and get to fear even the people on the tv…
I have clonazepam as trt too, but am still very anxious…
Unfortunately, i have this conversion disorder as well now, the most of the szs dont have it, its a separate disorder…
But with it, i cant control the fear in my body, i sometimes cant even walk by fear with it, thats it…
Well, I’ll see… maybe ill need as additional some other med, maybe a first generation one, am not sure yet…
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