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I sometimes have sensations to be a bad person, hated by some :(

Ok, i guess its not a big deal, but often in the evenings, i feel as a bad person… Because of how bad i was in the past around my sz…
My best friend called me even a ‘‘psychopath’’ once that she was angry to me, but i dont have a grudge against that anymore… Its all words, maybe i was deserving that in the past, cause i was a bit bad to her…
Yeah, i have the bad conscience still, while i am still fighting to change myself and my life now lol…
But i even take klonopins against that bad feeling, to be hated, to be seen as a monster… My family story is so hard, that i probably ended up very destroyed… My pdocs even were shocked how severe i was :frowning:
I was so unhappy and in such a pain, plus it lasted decades, so maybe i hurt some people around me…
But i think even, that my paranoia was turning around, that somebody will want to attack me, aggress me, kill me… I experienced before so much fear, that i even didnt know what i was fearing… I felt very, very unloved for long tbh… But now, this is changing…
Its just still that i feel as a bad person per moments and its tough… My dad probably was a psychopath, a big abuser, had power in his job, he probably did some quite bad things too…
But yeah, i wonder if someone really hates me now… I knew the anger a lot, the verbal aggression too, the bitterness for years, the total despair too… I was blind too with all this… For real…
But these sensations come still, i take my benzo in order to not panic about the bad person that i can be :cry:
I just saw one episode of the ‘‘Handmaid’s tale’’, i suggest this, its a great show, showing the violence, the tyranny etc…
I hope my sensations will fade away?
I guess theres no med against a bad conscience, right? :open_mouth:
The bad conscience is a symptom of the sz too? Gosh… But i know for real, that i should change a bit after my years of illness… To become happy mostly :slight_smile: And to love again my friends and family :)))

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I guilt tripped about a week ago. Thought about all sorts of stuff I’ve done in the past. A lot of small things, like saying the wrong things and even stuff I did as a teenager. One thing would lead to another and I would get to the point where I thought even God can’t forgive me.
But it went away after I stopped isolating and started talking to people again.
I was isolating too much.
Inappropriate feelings of guilt is one of the symptoms of sz. That’s why they ask you about feeling guilty about something when they are doing psychological ratings.

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Don’t feel guilty @Anna1 you seem like a really good person

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You are a good person @Anna1

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I think you’re a good person. I just think you’re confused

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Don’t pay attention to what others say, they have no idea what you are going through.

Only compare yourself to who you were yesterday and improve yourself where you can at your own pace.

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yea you are a good person @Anna1

and i liked “the handmaid’s tale” also =)

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