Alone and Lost

[Cassiopeia]

Im diagnosed schizoaffective depressive type, I would say 18yrs now but tbh just saying “for some time” seems more appropriate.

Im married with 2 children. My husband and I met just a few weeks before my first psychotic episode, so hes not only been around for the whole experience but he’s also been the only person in my life that I’ve been open about it with, he’s been like my safety blanket. Long story short, our relationship has been a dumpster fire for the past couple of years… Not only do i have zero people in my life to go to now, he has actually become a major psychosis trigger for me

I’m scared at least 80% of every day lately, developed brand new and far more terrifying delusions that are impossible to talk myself down from, it’s just a hold-tight and wait-it-out rollercoaster. I’m very adamant about never saying what they are, but i feel like i have to tell someone, and you guys may be the only ones who truly understand. Cause let’s be real, our therapists have only read about this stuff from other people who have also never experienced it firsthand… the only “normies” I’ve ever talked to who get it sort of right are my metaphysical peeps lol. So here we go…

TRIGGER WARNING
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I’ve died many MANY times, in many ways. Literally. I dont mean “oh i thought about it” or metaphorically, i mean i experienced my own (first) death a very very long time ago. Hubs knows about this in great detail, but i always thought he understood and believed me… but he told me one night a couple of years ago during an argument that he genuinely always thought i was faking it

I refer to these as Voldemort, because i learned a very long time ago that saying it aloud or describing the experience leads to nothing but more pain. There is a new one… happened around the time our marriage hit the skids. I cant shake it, i cant talk about it w anyone around me now, it’s far worse than anything i experienced before, and i NEED to get it out. This is pretty much a job posting at this point lol, who among us is brave enough to journey through this one with me so that i can make sense of it all finally and feel unburdened?

[Ninjastar]

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[shutterbug]

@Cassiopeia

I’ve died many MANY times, in many ways.

Well, you think you have. A common delusion around these parts.

Welcome to the community.

[Turtle44]

Hi welcome to the forum. Sounds like a stressful situation and stress can make episodes worse.

Do you go to therapy? He might understand it better if he went with you.

[TheCanuk]

Welcome to the forum!

[GrayBear]

Welcome to the forum

[Ninjastar]

@shutterbug

common

Yes. You are far from alone in struggling with this delusion. I did not deal with this specific symptom, but I am familiar with psychosis symptoms causing a strain on my marriage.

Mr. Star and I reached a point where things were horrible. We were both miserable day in and day out. We didn’t trust each other. We sat down one night, and knew we would either have to break up or get help. We chose to get help.

It took a lot of hard work, and willingness to do that work on both sides. But after about a year, things got better. Then, they got a LOT better. We both watched each other do extremely difficult things for the specific goal of being better partners to each other. We saw sustained, continual effort that was clearly not just performative. Now, we know exactly what we are willing to do to stick together. I have never been so reassured by anything in my entire life.

Part of that work was individual therapy. Part of that work was medication adjustments. Part of that work was making the terrifying choice to place trust in each other when neither of us felt secure. Getting the psychosis symptoms under control is going to be a big part of your work. Couple’s therapy can help with that. It is hard to cope with not being able to trust your own perception when you also don’t trust the perception of your strongest support person.