It will also happen more quickly if he isn’t in danger of death, but is also dissatisfied with his current life. If he enjoys his life (and who wouldn’t enjoy getting unlimited free things?) he won’t have any motivation to improve things. If he is safe but would prefer to have things like internet, gaming consoles, etc, he has motivation to do work.
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It took being in danger of death to get me to deal with my issues. Nothing else worked.
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I had to start paying rent at 20 to my parents. 250 a month. Rent went up 50 bucks a year till i moved out. So the following year was 300 a month and so on.
They said it is to ease me into the real world that it costs money to live.
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I guess that’s mostly true for me also. But I never had the option of a safe place to live. Could be wishful thinking, but I like to believe I would have figured things out even sooner if I wasn’t fighting for my life.
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Never had kids, so I have no right to give tips.
Just sending llama vibes that it all works out for the best for everyone.
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Thank you all for the advice. It’s genuinely appreciated, and I was very interested in the different POVs.
Hubby and I decided to write up a contract. It outlines the house rules, what’s expected of him, and what consequences there are if he breaks the rules.
For the record, I have no qualms whatsoever about him continuing to live here. In fact, I enjoy the company a lot. He makes me feel safer, too, when hubby works nights because he’s a big guy. I also know he’s safe and not out every night with the wrong crowd. However, we were never very strict with him. When he was younger, even a teen, he didn’t seem to need it. He was very self-motivated. Now he’s not. I agree that he may be depressed. He had a life plan, and it didn’t work out the way he envisioned. He graduated in 2021, so Covid really impacted a couple of his high school years. As far as the money, I believe that if you loan money, you can’t expect it back if you want to maintain a good relationship with the borrower. If they do pay you back, it’s a bonus. I would never want a relationship ruined over something like that. The problem here is that we didn’t loan him money. He never asked. He ignored my advice to cancel subscriptions. Money was taken without no intention on my part to give it. And because he’s -$105 now, it’s about to be taken again. He never even acknowledged it. No thanks, no apology- nothing. Otherwise, I’d just ignore it.
So, like I mentioned, we’re going to do a contract. I’ve written one up, and I’m going to ask for his thoughts before we finalize. I want to consider his input; he may have a hard limit on something, and I need to know if a particular item won’t work out. The contract mentions a curfew, requires a job, requires chores, and has him paying rent in addition to his phone bill. We get paid on Friday and will take care of the negative amount so that we can then go to the notary and jump through hoops to get off that account. He has car insurance going through on the 6th. I’ve let him know he can and should postpone the automatic payment, but I already know he won’t. I don’t want to have $200 taken from my account, so I’m going to make sure our accounts are no longer attached. Then, the only thing I pay for is his cell phone.
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Good luck I hope it makes a good difference
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I’m like Tony Stark - I prefer the bomb you only have to drop once.
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I admit to living with my dad atm though I pay rent and help around the yard and split wood to bring in for winter.
Dad said I could come and go as I pleased before I moved in. Well, he still acts like my dad but that is the consequence when you live with your parents. Lol! He still stretches his hand by my chest before we cross a busy street. Like I said he still does the whole dad thing. Oh well.
He is near deaf so I am his ears and resident tech guy. If I was sitting on my butt all the time he probably would have booted me out two years ago.
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Same kind of situation here, grace of my mother helping me out.
We still hold hands once a day, tell her I love her, ask how she is, and offer to help with whatever she needs.
We will never stop being their children.
Probably a blessing.
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Lots of children have or have had it way worse as some are broken, deceased, or in prison.
My dad has a horrible temper but he will help anybody out and I have no hard feelings for when I was a kid.
Parents have a crap ton to do and worry about so they are allowed a screw up allowance.
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It’s really hard to turn that off.
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I still have to fight the impulse to follow my 11 year old niece up the stairs in case she stumbles. Hasn’t been an issue for nine years, but my brain still wants to make sure she is safe
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This is all adding up to paint for me a picture of a kid who always tied his self-worth to his productivity. Who feels ashamed of his mistakes to the point that he pretends not to notice them. Who sees no path to a happy life. Who has intense anxiety that causes him to freeze up when faced with scary choices.
If that seems accurate to you, i think your solution should be incredibly helpful. It shows him a tangible path back to a life he can feel proud of. He has clear steps to follow. He is learning that running from his mistakes makes them pile up, and that taking the scary step to confront them is better.
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Thanks @Ninjastar. Very good advice.
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Thats how my last roommate was, except he also was incredibly sloppy and made my house a dump for 6 months. I begged and begged him to do things and eventually he just stopped paying rent and expected me to take care of everything and i had a breakdown over it. My parents are in a similar boat with my brother, except its mainly financial and theyre raising my brothers kids. Yet im the one on disability and i mostly fend for myself.
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I’d say make him sit down with you for a talk to get him to really listen to you. I hated my mom as a child and disobeyed everything she said but I always did chores and cooked for the family. I don’t know what went wrong, why I was so disobedient, I regret it today. Today I’m on good terms with my mom but she really triggers me so you might want to get someone else to talk to him about his future. He needs a wake up call.
I would talk to someone like an educational professional in your community. I think your 20 year old is not aware what he is doing.
That’s nice. It’s good to hear there’s still good feelings between you all. I’ve actually heard of much worse situations with parents sons then yours, where there’s violence and property damage and theft and the police are called and other bad things. So you should be grateful that things sound like they’re still on a civil level.
The contract sounds like an excellent idea-as long as you stick to it. Like I said, you can still be nice to each other but if you make a contract and let him break it without enforcing the consequences then that sends a bad message and the whole contract would be pretty useless. You can’t expect him to be perfect but it’s perfectly reasonable and you got every right to have him help out a little in the home. Good luck to your family.
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Thanks, @77nick77. There is definitely no agression or anything like that. No yelling at eachother either. He’s always been pretty passive, and I’ve mellowed with age and Tegretol. I don’t think he’s ever yelled AT me, just TO me if he was really frustrated (like when a college kid hit his parked vehicle then offered him beer… and he was 17.). When he gets really, really angry, he lets you know, but he’s more of a venter than anything. He doesn’t scream at us when he’s mad. He takes a break in his room, then comes back. I think that my oldest daughter’s yelling and anger made both of my younger ones want to avoid acting out like that. No one was happy walking on eggshells.
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