I’m hoping y’all might have suggestions for a personal problem. My son, who turns 20 in less than a month, never contributes to the household in any way. No cleaning, no cooking, etc. Certainly never contributed to groceries or anything. He’s also failed to keep several promises in regards to getting his life together. I don’t know what to do to discipline him at this age. I don’t want him thinking there are zero consequences, though. That’s an awful idea and won’t help anyone. Thoughts?
It´s a difficult subject… I wouldn´t know what to do.
If I had a close friend or a relative do that, I would start imposing some strict rules, like only cook for myself, some money to pay a rent, no use of the communal spaces until they clean them, etc.
I’ve considered eviction. He promised me he’d go to college if I let him go to a certain high school. That never happened, and he graduated 2 years ago. He was always a hard worker as a teen, but now he’s not. He quit a job he’d had for four years, complaining that they were making him close, and he didn’t want to be out late. Fine, but he didn’t line up another job beforehand. So he’s been out of work for two months. He applied at around two or three places. That’s it. His phone plan is on my bill, and I can’t cancel it because the iphone he chose isn’t paid off. He also went negative in his account, which was taken out of my account after so long of not being paid ($195). I told him to cancel subscriptions, and he didn’t. He about $100 negative after fees now. I put in a request last night to remove overdraft protection from his account, plus hubby and I will be removing ourselves from that account/separating it from ours. Right now, he owes me $500-ish with his bills. He owes others, too.
That is majorly frustrating. I never f*ed my mom over with money; I cleaned the house regularly to help her, etc. He doesn’t do a damned thing! He stays in his room sleeping and gaming all day. It’s b.s.
Oh… he ignored my insistence that he get full coverage on his vehicle. He’d had several accidents. He didn’t, then got into another accident. He borrowed our second car/hubby’s work car. We thought it’d be temporary, but it was almost a year. That means hubby was putting miles and wear and tear on my newer SUV while son put the same on workhorse commuter car. He said he’d pay for inspection and whatever was necessary to pass it. Well, inspection came due, and he had no job, no money. We can’t afford it because of his extra bills, so my car is being driven by hubby again while the other sits. More miles, etc. My car is 4 years old and had under 20k miles on it. Now has 30k. I’m pissed. I only got to drive my car for 1 1/2 years and hadn’t even gone on a highway!
So yeah, maybe eviction is necessary if certain conditions aren’t met. Maybe I’ll write up a contract of what’s expected, etc. If he fails to meet criteria, we file for eviction.
he may not be doing well mentally or emotionally you never know. there is usually always a reason for people to do certain things, maybe take some consideration and dont just think about what they are doing for you but how they are doing and why. 20 is still young, some people seem to think raising a child ends as soon as they turn 18 and that then they will be fully independent and on their own.that is not the case most of the time
I have 3 kids. The youngest is my husband’s. She’s 17. The middle child (22 years old) is mine, and the oldest (27 years old) is my husband’s.
Both adult children are mentally ill. After treatment and medication for several years, the oldest (27) got a job and a boyfriend and moved out.
The 22 year old( mine) is also mentally ill. I offered to get her into treatment and be there for her every step of the way.
She was doing really well and got a job for a year. Then she stopped treatment and stopped working and has no friends. Since she’s refusing treatment and meds, I told her she needs to either get a job to contribute to the household expenses or she can get on SSI, and give us her snap benefits to cover her food. The issue is that she insists on only eating prepackaged foods etc and I can’t afford it.
Well, she decided not to contribute and went to live with her dad. I still hang out with her several days a week to be there for her.
The youngest, 17, is working, bought her own car, paid us for the car insurance and gets As in school.
Don’t want to be out late? That is BS. I used to work until midnight at my valet job and drive home on deer infested roads in the dark of night for 40 minutes.
It seems he started out with a good work ethic so he has the experience under his belt.
Maybe start out with asking him to prepare his own meals with help. Small stuff like ramen, learn to fry up a hamburger or steak, boil eggs, and other things that do not require the microwave. Maybe not take his predicted response of NO for an answer.
I can’t think of a polite way to say it, so I’m just going to say it:
Toss his bum arse out.
Parenting is doing for your kid what they need, not what they want. He’ll hate you for a bit, but he’ll be forced to “adult” and start turning his life around. Or he’ll suffer some consequences and hopefully learn from them.
No more car. Take the phone back and keep it as a spare or such. Cut off the $$$.
Maybe he’s going through a difficult time. I would be patient and give it a while, whilst simultaneously continuing to support him by listening and emotionally etc. Etc.
I will say having experienced similar scenario to your son, I’m going to come across as very sympathetic to him lol.
I think you need to understand that its extremely difficult to support yourself financially atm you will make his life very difficult if you just kick him out and tell him he’s not welcome at home unless he’s paying you money to exist.
Its not about discipline - you need to treat him with compassion and ask him to get a job so that you can keep paying the bills, and so that he can start getting experience working and helping him towards a career etc. Try and encourage him to get money so he has more control over his life etc. You can remind him that you pay for his phone/car and tell him you think that he ought to be able to star covering those sort of bills and contributing for food/rent.
Honestly when I lived with my parents I hated how they expected me to clean up after other people and sort out their garden, paint their walls etc etc just because I don’t have anywhere else to live. I don’t see how that kind of stuff is my responsibility. I would do some chores when asked like washing up or cleaning rooms I spent time in, and I was happy to tidy up after myself. Maybe you could start on that? Ask him to do his own laundry etc, cook a meal for everyone once a week. Take the bins out etc. Simple and objective goals
When you say “He’s also failed to keep several promises in regards to getting his life together.” did he make an effort to fulfil those promises and just not get the job? Did he fail the interview? Or did he make zero effort? If he made zero effort you need to ask him why. He may not be motivated at all to work (very normal at his age). If he did make an effort be thankful for that.
I think its easy to demonise young people for not pulling their weight but like you have to explain it to him why its important and give/find him help where he is struggling. Like make sure he has a way of answering his questions etc. Its your responsibility to guide him. Just because he’s over 18 it doesn’t mean he’s a fully functioning adult. I think people 23 and under are still just older teenagers mentally.
Iphones are easy to put parental controls on. I can walk you through it if you need. You can make it so that he can’t access anything he wants on it except basic necessities. You can turn it into an expensive brick. And then say he can have access each day depending on what he gets done.
Yeah I missed the second part too. In that case I would say a written agreement is needed. He’ll probably be annoyed about it but it sounds like he owes you a significant amount of money and isn’t taking actions to sort it out.
I had a friend that owed everyone money and showed no consideration to pay people back in a timely manner. That period was super annoying.
I would definitely make the contract and encourage him to find work to pay his bills off, and if he doesnt want to agree to it then you need to ask him to try and find somewhere else to live.
I never owed my parents money. My mum paid off a £30 phone bill for me once when I had virtually nothing to my name and was trying to support myself but that’s it.
There is a difference between making sure your kid doesn’t die on the streets and going into debt to fund their poor coping skills.
Might be easier to just accept the loss on the money he already took, and start out again at zero. Wherein he has a place to live, but nothing else unless he earns it. If the goal is independence, it will happen more quickly if he doesn’t need to spend months paying you back before he can start working towards getting his own car/home.
I’m 20 and still living at home, and frankly, don’t plan on moving out anytime soon. I’ve been out of a job for a few months, because I’m going on a year long service mission for my church, and been preparing myself for that; this is of course ok with my parents and been planned for a while. Likewise, all my other siblings still live at home at ages of 27, 25, and about to be 18. My parents will never kick them out either.
I really hate this notion in America, usually promoted by conservative traditionalists, that you are done parenting once your child hits 18. That’s ridiculous. This belief has only been part of American culture for maybe like a hundred years, its not even traditional. Eviction will only bring pain and contention to the family, so I highly recommend that if you love your child, you don’t kick him out. He’s not a renting stranger, he’s your son. Its commom in other cultures for the child to still be at home until they get married, so maybe keep that in mind.
Idk, it should be since he is under your roof he should follow your rules. Especially if he is depending on you. The bottom line is: it’s your problem and you have to be tough on him. Lay down the law. You make the rules and if he doesn’t like them he can leave. You’re the one letting him get away with this stuff. He’s acting like a child; he’s acting like an irresponsible 17 year old, not someone who is almost 20 year old who’s a grown man.
Dr. Phil says, “You teach people how to treat you”. Well, you taught your son that he can get away with all this stuff without any consequences so naturally he his going to keep doing it. You and your husband need to form a united front and back each other up no matter what and get tough on him. But you have to stick together, one parent can’t be telling the son he can’t do something and have the other parent cave and let him do something the son shouldn’t be doing. You and your husband have to agree to take some action and stick to it no matter what. It’s for your sons own good that you need to be hard on him and make him help clean and pay his own way. If he doesn’t learn to be responsible now he may never learn.
You don’t have to be mean or cruel or super strict to him. But it’s not unreasonable of you to expect him to clean a little and help out and pay most of his own way.