My oldest just called me from college, crying because she’s worried about money. She just went on about how she doesn’t know how she’ll pay car insurance in December or gas to get home for winter break. The thing is, she just left here from Thanksgiving break. She bought clothes for herself yesterday as well as a couple of video games. It’s really frustrating. I feel like she expects me to help, but I can’t. I only have $85 for the next two weeks, and I haven’t bought groceries yet. That doesn’t go far for four people. We need laundry detergent and toilet paper, too, and those are pricey. I don’t know what to tell her.
She gets $500 a month from a relative, then has a job that pays about another $500 a month. She has a meal plan at school, so she doesn’t have to buy food. Her housing is paid for, as are all utilities since she lives in the dorm. So what in the heck is she wasting her money on? She makes just a little less than I do a month. It’s really frustrating. By the end of our phone call (in which I said virtually nothing), she got angry and hung up really fast. She needs to learn to plan and save. She comes off as very irresponsible to me, and I don’t know what to do about it.
I think it’s a typical young adult who needs to be taught how to be self sufficient. I would just not help her financially. I do think young adults need to be taught this. You need to take care of yourself, too. It sounds like she is making poor choices and thinks she can rely on you. I think she needs to learn she can’t. Eventually your girl needs to fly with her own wings. It’s just my advice though. I know how difficult it is to teach children how to manage their finances.
I get these phone calls all the time from my daughter, she needs a little here and a little there. I set a certain amount aside for each child per month and when it’s gone that’s it. If she has money for cigarettes and sodas she can find the money for gas and milk, they have to learn to plan and prioritize.
That’s just the thing. She got paid and bought clothes for herself just yesterday! I don’t think it’s right for me to have to give her money when she can afford a shopping trip at the mall. I don’t set aside money for her, but I’ve had to sacrifice sometimes to take care of her. Last year, she was given $1k/month from a relative, and she saved none of it. When it came time for her unpaid internship to another country, she didn’t have anything saved, so I had to send her money each time we got paid. It was really a struggle for us. She won’t discuss money with me other than to say she doesn’t have any, though. It’s really aggravating because I’m great at budgeting and could help her out.
Tell her to get a side job doing clean up in someone"s yard. That’s what I have my kids do. It’s a quick $40-$60 and it’s great exercise. She can rake leaves or stack wood.
I have no idea if you have been giving her money or not before today. But simply put, if you make a habit of giving her money then she will take it.
And keep coming back for more.
Even if she was a stranger you didn’t know well, if you start givng or lending money to someone on a regular basis
soon they will expect it and pretty soon you’re sucked into that pattern of giving or lending money when you don’t want to. And once it starts it is extremely hard to stop.
I agree with @anon78876561, your situation is not unusual, many college kids depend on parents for money. But you’re allowed to say no. You’re the parent, you have to lay down the law and teach her you’re not a bank with a revolving door and she doesn’t get money every time she feels like it.
It’s OK to give her money occasionally in certain situations but she has to be taught by you the facts that you don’t have money to give.
You guys need to sit down and talk business about money and hammer out some rules about money between you. The persons who are priority that you need to spend money on are the kids: NOT an adult kid. She should understand this by now.
When I was in college, I was still an addict; I used to walk on campus and ask people for $1 for ‘bus fare’ on my days off school. I did this about once a week. I would usually score $40-50 which would get me about 2-3 grams of weed and a couple bottles of beer for the week.
@Happy_H. Whatever you do don’t pay her car insurance. Let her take the bus if she has to.
As a young adult I’ve been without heat in the winter and I’ve been without food. I survived. (I’m not suggesting you let her go hungry)
Thanks for the suggestion, @Loke, but we’ll be fine. We make too much for a food bank. I just messed up my budget and accidentally skipped a bill- we’ll bounce right back.
I will NOT be giving her money. I’m just kinda ticked off that she acted like I should. I agree with @77nick77 in that my priority, financially, is to my underage children. My oldest turns 20 in December. She can make her own way now.
Also, my husband and I discussed it and are going to insist that she get her own insurance policy. She’s currently on ours to save money, and she just pays us monthly for her portion. However, I can’t take the risk that she won’t pay it because I would still owe the money as it’s my policy. She can start her own policy when mine renews in December.
Thanks for the guidance and support y’all. Y’all are always great.
My parents never gave me money. I could ask for stuff for Christmas and I usually got what I asked for, but never straight cash, even in college. I’m surprised asking for money is this common.
About a year ago, my brother didnt come home one night and wouldn’t answer his cell phone. My mom couldnt sleep that night and was worried and scared something had happened to him.
He came home the next day and told my mom that he’s grown and he shouldn’t have to tell her where he is.
I remember vividly smacking him in the face and telling him if that’s the case then to get a job and start paying rent.
He’s never missed a phone call from my mom since.
Kids nowadays believe they’re entitled to everything.
I rarely buy clothes that aren’t on sale at a thrift store. I’m very careful how I spend at the grocery store. I find that I can buy as much junk food as I want. It’s my stinginess about clothes that allows that. I’m usually able to put money by. I sometimes wonder why people who get a lot more money every month aren’t able to save. I think it is because they are willing to buy clothes retail. Also, because they get more money than me they get fewer snap benefits. I can just almost pay for my entire food bill with my snap benefits. Again, I’m careful how I spend my money. I always have an eye out for bargains. Kids really need to learn how to be frugal. Your daughter needs to consider each purchase, and decide if she really needs it right now. If it is something she really wants she can save for it, and not expect you to pick up the slack in her budget.
Honestly maybe you need to sit down with her and make a spreadsheet showing her budget and helping her stick to it. I know you struggle a lot with compulsive shopping also, and you probably learned your limits the hard way a few times. I know I did. She sees a safety net right now, and she doesn’t have a clear plan of what her own budget looks like. So sit down with her over break and help her make one. Tell her she no longer has your safety net. She will get pissed, but she should also learn something.
If you want to live extremely frugally, you can reduce your food budget to very little. You can buy a months worth of potatoes for less than ten dollars, but you need a place to store them. You can buy some cheap margarine to season them. I’ve found that powdered milk is okay if you mix sugar with it. You get rid of that funny after taste. Sometimes they sell a great big bag of chicken leg quarters on the cheap. You need to have a place in your freezer to store them. If you have a place to store the leg quarters you could buy two or three bags at one time, depending on your budget. Personally, I buy the majority of my food out of the freezer at the Dollar Tree. That’s not extreme frugality, though. I’m good about getting protein in my diet, but I’m a little weak on fruit and vegetables. I buy fruit juice and vegetable juice to satisfy part of my quota of vegetables.
