Doubts About Reality

There has to be a cause for bipolar and schizoaffective. Is it something as easy as hormone problems or is there a real cause without a cure? Is there a known cause yet? I’m ready to be cured permanently. I’m tired of this stupid effing circus. It doesn’t make you a radical or more intelligent, and my mom has significantly deteriorated. Seeing someone psychotic you realize that it is not enlightenment, rather many of us use enlightenment and think a lot to get through the psychosis. That’s different than it being a psychic disorder. We use more psychic energy in combating the illness, does that make the illness psychic in nature no! Most with full blown schizophrenia lack cognition and insight when not in remission. The balance is so temporary and the information I’m sold I feel is very misleading. I have so many doubts.

I kind of want to believe i have schizophrenia or bipolar but I’m still struggling in grasping what that even means or is. I stopped hearing voices about two years ago and consistently for years at a time, and when I have heard them it was more of intuition and gentle non-invasive guidance. It felt like ESP yes, but it was related to my effort to heal and overcome!!!

You don’t get magically granted the ability to fight schizophrenia and not everyone has the resources. We need to win this fight. We need to solve the riddle of madness and why people lose touch with reality and can’t be brought back. If there is something gene related, then we need to realize the right way to influence those genes to recover, heal, and adapt.

I’m so obsessed with knowledge and lucidity and understanding. I want to know the world’s secrets. My curiosity has grown a lot, and when I’m not discovering something new or perfecting a talent or showing my abilities I feel bored. I need a lot of stimulation, but not overload. I run my own program.

so if I’m bipolar why can’t I recognize it? I’m sure if something bad happened I would start to cry. I do not have mood swings or emotional issues other than fatigue and low motivation but I don’t think it is quite depression. Anti-depressants made me depressed and manic.

Is there a solution? Can someone reaffirm to me that I have a psychotic disorder?

Can someone explain how to put things together when:

Having experienced supernatural phenomena and developed a different perspective that on some levels reality is impermanent and therefore if everything’s malleable so are we.

Having experienced a disintegration of senses and breakdown at private school, can’t stop obsessing that I didn’t become psychotic on my own. Try to break from the memory of the knocking from the closet inside, the fact I didn’t recall switching beds, the red stain in the sky and the teacher saying aliens visited the school. Trying to sift through what’s paranoia and reality.

Having experienced loose associations between my father’s company and future brainwashing where people are chipped and under mass surveillance because of reading a magazine at his office and knowing he’s the designer of software at the root and forefront of EMHRS in Hospitals around the world.

Trying not to be distrustful of my dad. Trying not to obsessively worry. Trying not to wish anyone was gone because I feel pressured by them and then the stabbing guilt of not feeling empathetic enough to truly appreciate people.

Why aren’t more people like me? Am I a freak for questioning my existence? How unlucky am I to also have schizophrenia of some sort, or is that God testing me?

Madness being an endless spiraling stairway with no direction, and my dreams a figment of my own making…how do you know for sure anything’s real?

Am I on the right path? What’s the point of doing something like treating madness, if you can’t even express what makes you crazy? How can I have a psychotic disorder if what I did wasn’t crazy or psychotic?

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I highly doubt that.

You sound hungry. Your mind is certainly busy trying to overcome something. Have you ever gone so hungry that you didn’t even get hungry anymore?

It’s just me being stupid, dwelling on impossible explanations. I’ll never be able to prove it to anyone. No one understands.

I’m not going to let the dark haunt me, but I’m probably not privy to this knowledge anyways. Am I truly safe, protected? What if there were something I failed to do? What if I died tomorrow? I’d leave behind a lot of questions but no one would ask them, and I wouldn’t be here to ask them…

I knocked and I wasn’t the only one who answered. There is no truth. I feel wronged, like my life was torn from me. I think it’s an insidious request, to expect us to lead such directionless aimless lives, guilted into materialism and fitting in…is this all that our society has to offer? We have democracy or at least the remained illusion of it…but is that enough? I think people want to be fully free without worrying about being walked all over and threatened.

I’m jumping around a lot. People are getting so spoiled, but we’re indoctrinated into it. What a waste of potential… to orphan thieves and insurance companies. lol

My theory is that a schizophrenic is someone who’s mind doesn’t agree with society for whatever reasons and creates differences through delusions, fantasy, narcissism, etc…

Not saying we’re narcissistic because in a way we are the opposite but in a way we are. Our ego’s are deluded. I agree we are searching for answers which causes us to gain that psychic awareness you speak of. Our view of what’s real is already off so we try to put it into words and it causes us to gain some sort of enlightenment to some extent but still off.

I’m obsessed with knowledge, lucidity and understanding too because I have lacked that for so long. Now I am ahead of the curve in some regards, but for what? It’s not like I’ll ever be Jesus and change the world or anything.

I wish I could meet yall because we have so much in common! We are so alike! Which makes me think the illness is somewhat “real” although we do have some differences as well. Although I’m not sure it’s as much as an illness as a defense mechanism to those who are sensitive to the world around them. Hmmm!


I know my mind doesn’t agree with society. I feel sorry for all the normies who are so focused on materialism. Striving for more and more. Never being satisfied. And yet they feel sorry for me. Fascinating, really!


Well I see your point. But I have always had a questioning mind before and after my illness. My illness actually caused me to question less as it wore me out. I don’t fantasize like I used to when manic, I don’t have enough energy to spend on fantasies. I think it’s more chemical and situational, but the fact that I’m imaginative does not negate the validity of some of my experiences which were very realistic, but I understand this is not the place to put that. I don’t think our ego’s are deluded, and that more people with this should try to boost their self worth and value than throw it away or feel weak. I’m slightly more narcissistic but I do consider it more a societal norm to be somewhat hard-headed, and to refuse to back down from certain values. I know that some of my experiences are either improvable or impossible, and a great number of them I acknowledge that I was in a psychotic or delusional state when thinking things, or at least in heightened state. I don’t believe many of the paranoid thoughts I had before, but I don’t dismiss possibilties.

I hope that made sense lol

But I do like your explanation. I just don’t think it’s fair to think that we’re all completely deluded. It just strikes me as a generalization…maybe some of that hot air does help fill in the gaps…John Nash did have sound theories and mathematics abilities.

It’s like saying people with Autism talk to animals more because they don’t understand humans. It’s kind of a biased generalization. Just because schizophrenia took away a lot, I’m not filling up lost time with nonsense I actually do make sense more now and searching has helped.

Glad you’re doing well! I keep trying to find the words for what I wanted to say.

I don’t think our minds disagree with society. I think we are indeed sick with a biological illness and that while society plays a part, our beliefs and political affiliations have nothing to do with our labels of schizophrenia. I come from a white upper middle class christian family. I’m not poor nor have I had a very traumatic childhood.

It just happened to me, and I learned from it. I was a victim of a cruel disease, but I found the cure in hope and courage, a belief in a better outcome so internal that I broke free from the shame and it made a difference.

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You’re venting. And you didn’t answer my question. Are you hungry? Have you eaten substantially today?

Yeah I ate breakfast. It’s cold outside and rainy. I didn’t sleep last night though because I was at a friends house. I’m just tired of anti-psychotics. I feel this repulsion when I take Abilify lately. I don’t know if I’m second guessing myself. I’m either up high or apathetic and vacant. I can’t seem to find a point…

Would you like me not to vent? Maybe I should just pretend I’m happy.

This is where I do most of my venting, lol.

No, venting is healthy.


I hope they find a cure…OO

@bridgecomet I think the cure is inside of us, it’s recognizing and allowing the process of transformation to take place that’s difficult. With the way our minds work, most of our energy goes to our brains activity, rather than our true being. There is a way and each one of us holds our own key. It’s just hidden behind the delusions, paranoia, and perceptions of the brain. With 75trillion cells in our body, it can be a long journey…but then again I’m Sz

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For me, the development of schizophrenia was my brain’s way of telling me that I was feeling that something was terribly wrong with me, that I was not very in-touch with that feeling, and that I needed to fix it; and schizophrenia was it’s dramatic way to fix it. My unconscious thoughts now had a voice that forced itself to be heard. But then once the hallucination and delusion machine started running everything went out of control. As time went by increasingly unlikely and deeply unconscious thoughts started coming to the surface. And I became…lost…under the waves…until I went to the hospital and found anti-psychotics.


Anything is possible…but then why hasn`t my son healed himself at 38 years old?**