Honestly, I always thought one day I won’t need meds… But probably it’s a lie. Weed makes my symptoms worse, but being without meds for a week feels like hell ( I tried being without meds 3 years ago))
Probably it explains everything.
I know my psychotic experience was very drug induced, but I felt awful even when I was only smoking weed. Amphetamine made me go crazy aaaas hell, but even before that I was feeling bad.
I mean, probably, my SZ is truly super duper mild, and I shall be happy that it’s so controlled. That I can study and etc.
But… the fact that I hallucinate while on weed probably means I am not healed and will never be healed. I am coming into terms with that, accepting that more and more.
I ask myself why I use drugs in the first place. What is my reason? Is it feelings that I am after? Or energy? Or to do things socially with others? Or because others are using them? To be more talkative or witty? To enjoy myself? To clear my mind?
All drugs and addictions have one thing in common, they leave you in a worse place then you were before you started when you get back to reality.
I can relate though. When they had me on generic olanzapine I had extreme sleep problems for many years. It was a living hell. I drank beer several times a week so I could escape just for a little while. But now I have not had alcohol for over a year because of a stomach ulcer. And now that I am on the original zyprexa I sleep pretty decent compared to before, so it’s much easier to abstain when life is ok.
