This mental illness is so difficult. I know that I don’t want to be on medications when I feel really energized and I like the feelings that come with it. But then it never stops. I can’t sleep the energies keep building and I have nightmares and tactile hallucinations. I got too deep into my thoughts and after about three days I realized why I am on medication. The benefit of abilify seems to outweigh the risks of not managing my illness. It seems to stop it from progressing or becoming more severe, it turns my nightmares into vivid happy dreams and makes me lucid dream. Last night I dreamed I went into an elevator that turned into a time machine and I was in another place it was 1974 not sure why but it chose 1974 and then I was trying to get back into the machine and go somewhere else more fun but then I woke up. I have too vivid an imagination and I am too creative, I believe the consciousness does survive death but it does not have to be something superficial or apocalyptic or religious. Im going to try and spend less time with religious material because I read revelations and I think it triggered my apocalyptic thinking. The worst of it is my subconscious mind is so powerful that I can believe all these magical things that I know I am not consciously designing, but that if the energy goes wild or off/imbalanced it gets worse. There is no easy way to explain it. It would be nice to have the best of both worlds: the heightened awareness and creativity without the crashes and seizure-like nightmares.
I like things to be solved and understood. Consciousness itself is a mystery in many ways and maybe that is why I have so much trouble understanding a disease that impacts my conscious perceptions.
