There are a lot of changes I’ve made for myself this year and some I’m still working on.
I still wind up trying to keep up with the party-goers. I got to hang out once, then, twice… and then I’m drinking when I’m alone just to try and keep up that energy. It’s a waste. I’ve decided again to quit hanging out with those folks. Even they are growing tired of their house and lifestyle.
On a more philosophical level I’ve made so many changes I can barely keep track of them.
For a long time the world felt totally known to me. I never thought I was psychic, but I felt that I could imagine all that was out there. The various people and activities. Recently this came crashing down… and for good reason. Believing I knew all the possibilities of this world just maintained that psychotic focus.
I had to give up on all my unrealistic dreams and desires to change the world.
I had to learn to accept people for who they are, even though they were continuously deciding to do things I would never do. Not that I approve of their actions, but its a measure of respect to allow them to be free. No one ever gave me authority to do other wise, why fight the battle of trying to take it.
I had to learn to love my mother and give her her say without interruption. She’s my primary caretaker. My psychosis ramps up and then she would just talk about psychosis… So psychosis became the internal and external focus and it really sucks. Especially when I get heated because I just want to escape and she doesn’t have much to say to help me with that. Then she starts talking hospitals. So the internal, external, and future all become focused on psychosis. It’s like a god damned trap. All the same, she has her say.
The things I’m working on now… which are really tough for me to do with this illness. Is building a private world in my mind. I typically find someone to tell what’s going on and what I’m thinking about. I feel it gives it more permanence than just being a passing thought. However, it’s annoying and unnecessarily exposing. I have to let thoughts be what they are, just a passing means of processing. I might be better off in all social regards if I can seem a bit more mysterious.
And then self-control. The toughest one. Tobacco dominates my life. When I idle I just smoke and find folks to chat with. I can go without booze and caffeine no problem when I have too, but the fundamental pillar of this need to consume is the tobacco. I know I’d be more relaxed and rested and stable if I could quit, but the transition is so jarring its a pain. I plan to go straight-edge aside from the occasional night out, but it’s tough with nothing to do.
Supposed to be getting a job soon, but the lady is a very busy person. So more on that later. It’ll help my self-control issues and might help me learn some much needed discipline.
I mean I think all in all it should come together and I should be a pretty decent human being. Stable, capable of maintaining a schedule, earning income, having internal peace not dependent on anyone, and just learning to entertain myself.
I may have to take a break from the forum at some point to get my mental legs back. I can think to myself to a degree, but I met this chick and she got stuck in there real good, it’s totally futile to concern myself with her… but honestly she taught me most of this. Quite the sitch… leads me to want to go drinking until I meet another.
I like having my words heard… I’m sure you all know that. I feel invalid and transparent. I’m constantly trying to justify my existence by searching for and showing my worth… I have social confidence, but I need internal confidence. I need the ability to exist without people, because they do show that they are quite undependable and not as concerned.
Some people find it hard to let go of things in their minds. I’m one of these people, recently though it’s been happening. We aren’t special, we don’t need to take to a special cause, it is okay to blank the mind and drift, to make noise in there and to be wrong. You can always change your thinking and the world isn’t going to go away. You aren’t going to forget it even if you aren’t thinking about it. It’ll come back contextually. Drift away my friends, forget your worldly concerns… it’s the only real escape you’re going to find. Eventually that internal world is going to be what you want it to be… spend more time there and it will take shape.