More and more mental changes

DX'd - Other
1

Growing up isn’t fun at all… I just want to get it over with.

So I’ve been trying to implement more discipline in my life. Exercise quite a bit these days. Keep my apartment clean and all that. It’s about all a schizo can do. Now this is the ironic rhetoric of a drunk, but I need to get sober and stop smoking… I have before and I know that I can… It’s just with stresses in my life it’s to not want to utilize substances as a way of passing time and getting to an elevated state. My sleep would return normal (although I love the night) and my budget would seem a lot less constricting…

I basically have to do it alone though. Everyone I know in my life consumes alcohol regularly. I can barely handle caffeine, but I do well to stay away from that for the most part.

So that’s one of the goals. Get sober, again, and finally.

Another goal though… I have to get over loving someone I don’t have regular access to. It’s a mess as she was the best distraction from my psychosis and the only person I’ve physically met who both understood and sympathized with my suffering and even went further to unravel my controversies and settle my soul a bit. She’s lovely and she’ll be back around… but I’m digging my own grave with my obsession.

So… the other goal. Learn to be alone again… Hah thanks to @sarad I started feeling likable to women again. Then thanks to the aforementioned girl I realized just how much I wanted someone in my life.

Before that I was pretty damn good at being alone. Learn to be lonely the girl said. She’s got a strong soul, she’s inspiring and motivating. So much of my life began to revolve around her I’m not sure where to start the unraveling. She’s changed my mind and my words… She’s been to my apartment… She’s complimented my cat and my screensaver and god damn it just about everything else…

I’ve committed to not talking about her or sz… to anyone…

I’ve got one other friend in this town who is as understanding and sympathetic as her. Known the guy since high school… and while his roomates are cool too. There is still a lack of that overall presence of one who can understand.

I’m breaking my own rules here, but it’s because I have to spell this out somewhere. I’m very terrible at keeping things in line in my head.

I’ve got to get back on my own inside. I’ve got to learn to focus on my life… you can only ponder so much about someone else’s before it just starts cycling and your caught up speculating about the unknown…

It’s just odd. I’ve been working on my character this whole time… Literally my whole life. I like to be reserved and non-judgmental… I like to be perceptive and aware and helpful… I’m quite good at all these things… damn it though… there is a hole in me now. This spritely fireball rolled through my life and left me feeling insecure as ■■■■. She said she didn’t want to hurt me, and I told her that it’d be fine if she did… it’s all part of growing up.

I still see it that way. She’s one of the best friends I’ll ever have. Both her and I want to keep it that way. Still she lives so far away and is wayyyyy more ambitious than me.

So I’ve got to figure out how to cope with this. Got to put it in its place without cutting her out. I don’t want to just shack up with someone else…

I just have to start… I have to start stopping myself from thinking about her. It was my original character that drew her in… but she was so open to hearing my troubles that I unwound myself… and then got stuck just spilling it.

I’m past doing that with her now that she knows the outline of everything that is me… but still I’m a mess and she knows it. She’s a mess and I know it. She keeps herself glued together pretty well and I’m bursting at the seams…

So that’s it… the last rant about her to anyone. It’ll be whatever it is. I have to find freedom inside again. It’s like some great ■■■■■■■ promise I’d never expect to have nor put on anyone… but when you get that close to it you get caught in the dream.

So it goes.

End of rant… End of line.

2 Likes
2

Oh well oh well oh well.

1 Like
3

I just done figured it out Rhubes…

I just have to do things for myself that aren’t in any way attributed to her…

It starts with this…

I’m putting it above my sink in my kitchen… Used to have this in the old college place years ago.

I’m also not going to share my writings with said lassie any more… for a while they were all crafted for her tastes…

Got to get back to doing me…

4

I was once a man with a normal life. I abused that normality with drugs and partying. Like the ultimate expenditure of karma, my mind became a wreck. Somehow out of the pieces I’ve managed to reconstruct some approximate of who I once was. It stands on stilts amidst the chaotic muck of an angry subconscious. The anger is not directed at the world or anything external. The anger is directed at me. All the voices I’ve heard, all the misinterpretations I’ve experienced, all the forced distrust of delusional paranoia, it’s all so seemingly real or at least it wants to be seen as such.

It’s an interesting ride though. These stilts are stronger than my original legs. While my inner solidarity and rigidity still face challenges I am quite pleased to know that when I am over this head-circus I’ll be quite satisfied with myself and my capacity to cope with things that other folk will never know. A friend of mine once said about himself, “I’m like a fucken mercenary when it comes to psychological warfare.” I related to this statement then, but my capacity to cope now puts the person who originally read those words to shame.

Cognitive interjection at every turn… Saying the most triggering things to turn one in on itself. Contextually cued to have the most impact. The illness is brilliant. The counter-conscious is genius. However I know I have it beat. I sacrificed stubbornness and pride among a host of other things to dismantle the ego which the illness attacks. Part dead, part robot, but still totally human.

It’s an interesting thing to experience. Feeling see-through and berated by anyone you come across. To have the mind’s focus so distended that reeling it back seemed impossible. It was unavoidable though, in order to cope with the real world on top of the hallucinated unreality the mind had to expand.

Now finally I can see the real world more clearly. I have crossed the fulcrum of this lever. The pivotal point of breaking the psychotic focus of this illness has come to pass, and though it fights to return to having the upper hand, I know that it will not. I have been diligent and vigilant for too long to slip up for more than a few hours time at most. Even in those down swings I’m in damage control mode. Three years, the full psychotic circuit, and while the mental scarring of the illness remains I feel I have already crossed the finish line.

It takes work though. I sit and type this now as a distraction from what would be noisy chaos. The bantering of hellish voices taunting me at the potentials of life which would upset and depress me. They even use compliments to draw me in and take my focus.

It’s just noise all the same.

I’m proud of myself though. Proud in a way that no one can really measure. I deserve to be. In the face of all of it I’m pulling through. On the surface, I’m more or less who I was before. Inside I’m focused and growing and moving forward. I have a loose life-track to set into motion. Unfortunately, time moves slowly. Not that I mind having free time, it’s that money flow is also determined by the rate at which the future unfolds. Without money progress is halted and free time must be just that… Free.

So, I’ve taken to learning skills. I’ve committed to just being alone and learning to be lonely. It’s the chase of the dreams of the outside that I never wanted. It’s the individuals I know who would place societal expectations on me that were a factor in my madness. There is not one human nature. There is not one way of life. There is not one end goal for humans to grow into.

I even have to suppress the love I feel for someone who is so distant from me that it’s just irrational to dwell on. She wouldn’t even want me to. However, it’s not a heartbreak I’m dealing with. It’s just the pure desire to have time pass as quickly as possible.

So I wonder now as the clock ticks past the midnight hour, what can I do with my time? What can I do with my mind?

Then the answer comes to me. Books. I have to read. The mind of a SZ sees what it wants to see. It’s very difficult to read. It does seem like the ideal way to spend time. It’ll be two weeks before I have the money to progress my life a little. Fix my car and bicycle. That’s the next plan. Until then I should more or less keep myself locked in, pouring over books and jotting things down.

So that’s what I’m going to do, until I make it to that city…

That city that seems to be so many mental states away.

5

Ahh I know you’re proud of this one :wink:

1 Like
6

hah… yeah… :blush:

except there was no set up for it to reconnect with the beginning

I didn’t care to go back and rewrite

1 Like
7

Rightly so, sir!

1 Like
8

I know what you mean about the drinking. This is my 124th day sober, but that is substantially because the only two stores in town that sold beer have closed down. I’m 57, and those hangovers are hurting me worse than they used to. I hoping I can build up some resolve to stay sober.

1 Like