A Heavy Burden

DX'd - Sz/SzA
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Regarding this, some days are better than others. When I was a teen and going through my active phase of psychosis, I said some truly awful things to my father. I rebelled against him and made it my life’s mission to make him miserable. He would go on to kill himself when I was 19.

Now that I’m creeping up on 40, I have the most intense feelings of regret. Like if I hadn’t been such a dickhead, he might still be alive. Granted, he had his own mental illness to deal with, I just feel like I helped push him into the grave prematurely. Sucks.

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I said horrible things to my dad during the last manic episode I had. Words can absolutely hurt people but me and my dad are cool now

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Believing that is a pretty tough burden to carry.

I feel I caused the death of my cousin by sending bad vibes his way the night before he died.

It makes me feel better by saying it was just a coincidence.

There’s every chance you’re wrong and you didn’t play a part in what happened.

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You’re absolutely right, it’s a heavy burden. I think part of it comes from when I called my grandmother (his mother), her words to me, verbatim, were “You killed him! It’s your fault he’s dead.” I quietly hung up, stung.

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Emotions run high when someone dies. People say things. My uncle died of cancer and his sister took aim at his grown up children. Blamed them for not being around enough etc etc.

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I need to unpack this with my therapist. Had this cloud of doom over me for 20 years.

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I’m sorry @anon40540444
I really am.

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Thanks @everhopeful and @Wave. It’s nice to be able to blow off some steam. Sometimes it just requires an ear to talk to.

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This is why I made this:
https://forum.schizophrenia.com/t/what-burden-are-you-carrying-painting/225372?u=laetitia
I was thinking the exactly same thing.

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Sad to hear, it must be a terrible burden, even you probably not are the reason to his suicide.

I was a horrible teen too and a big burden for my family, but i try to tell to myself, that is was because of my MI.

I mean you regret now, so you have improved and matured since that,

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my grandmother touched me up when i was bit younger… like touch my breasts and it made me feel bad… so i started sending bad vibes to my grandmother and she died… now i feel regret of what i did cause i know she meant a lot to my mum…
So i know the feeling you get a bit… i would try not to obsess too much over it cause it’s not gonna help you but it’s just gonna make you more depressed i think…

anyways, sorry to hear you dealing with this =(

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