My kids and me are within the 10 percent.
Yheres a difference right?
Crazy-making is there to greater or lesser extents in almost all families in any culture that is more belief-bound than consciously and observantly rational-empirical.
In the sz ptās family, however, the aspects I described are more evident about 80% of the time (and if one observes long enoughā¦ even moreso). Combine that with the sz ptās greater genetic predispositions (or sensitivities to stress), and one can see the relationship between them that is so often observable to those who have the conceptual data between their ears to be able to see, hear and otherwise sense what is going on in those families.
I got a lot of it hands-on, but I would not have gotten nearly as much sense of all this had I not been informed by such books asā¦
Woititz, J. G.: Adult Children of Alcoholics, Pompano Beach. FL: Health Communications, 1983.
Black, C.: It Will Never Happen to Me: Children of Alcoholics as Youngsters-Adolescents-Adults, New York: Ballentine, 1981, 1987.
Miller, A.: For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child Rearing and the Roots of Violence, London: Farrar, Straus & Giroux, 1979, 1983.
Miller, A.: Prisoners of Childhood / The Drama of the Gifted Child, New York: Basic Books, 1979, 1996.
Miller, A.: Thou Shalt Not Be Aware: Societyās Betrayal of the Child, London: Farrar, Straus & Giroux, 1981, 1984, 1998.
Perry, B.; Szalavitz, M.: The Boy Who was Raised as a Dogā¦, New York: Basic Books, 2007.
Forward, S.: Toxic Parents: Overcoming their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, New York: Bantam Books, 1989.
Forward, S.: Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You, New York: HarperCollins, 1997.
Bateson, G., Jackson, D., Haley, J.; et al: Percevalās Narrative: A Patientās Account of his Psychosis, Palo Alto, CA: Stanford University Press, 1961.
Esterson, A.: The Leaves of Spring: Schizophrenia, Family and Sacrifice, London: Tavistock, 1972.
Henry, J.: Pathways to Madness, New York: Random House, 1965.
Jackson, D. (ed.): The Etiology of Schizophrenia: Genetics / Physiology / Psychology / Sociology, London: Basic Books, 1960.
Jackson, D. (ed.): Myths of Madness: New Facts for Old Fallacies, New York: Macmillan & Co., 1964.
Laing, R. D.; Esterson, A.: Sanity, Madness and the Family, London: Tavistock, 1964.
Lidz, T.: The Origin and Treatment of Schizophrenic Disorders, New York: Basic Books, 1973.
Lidz, T.; Fleck, S., Cornelison, A.: Schizophrenia and the Family, 2nd Ed.; New York: International Universities Press, 1985.
Golomb, E.: Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self, New York: William Morrow, 1992.
Payson, E.: The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with One-Way Relationships in Work, Love and Family, Royal Oak, MI: Julian Day, 2002.
Anonymous: Adult Children of Alcoholics: Alcoholic / Dysfunctional Families, Torrance, CA: ACA World Service Office, 2006.
Brown, N.: Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Upās Guide to getting Over Narcissistic Parents, 2nd. Ed., Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2008.
I donāt have a family nor do I want one YET I will give my life for themā¦so wheres that put me on your scale?
I donāt allow my nuclear family through the door, either. But theyāre still alive and well between my ears.
You know pix, I donāt think it works either way. honestlyā¦
My childhood family was seriously twisted. Seriously. I just had no idea how abnormal things were until I got away from the tornado and realized other people didnāt live in the middle of one. Iāve spent decades unpacking the baggage from it one piece at a time. Too heavy, too much to carry everywhere.
Pixel.
1 Like
Which is exactly How It Works (I know I am singing to the choir here). We tease out the things they said and did that we bought into one little deal at a time.
Two comments to that.
-
Itās been working pretty well so far in that Iāve got an engaged young lady living in my home that Iām very proud of. She is regarded as a good and trustworthy student at school. Sure, sheāll do the odd dumb teen thing, but thatās part of becoming an adult. I just need to keep working on acceptance and not overreact.
-
If Iām going to go down, Iām going to go down fighting. In this case, fighting for my daughter to have the parents and childhood I didnāt. Love, respect, concern, empathy, support, financial stability, good clothes, healthy meals, etc.
Pixel.
2 Likes
I have no idea how to approach to my kidās oversensitivityā¦ He doesnāt make drama or anything but handling the conflicts in rather passive aggressive way. I donāt really know how to prove him that it is not big dealā¦whatever
happens.
Or do I need a therapy for trying to medicalize negative emotions?
I havenāt learned ā ā ā ā from my parents.
Our daughter turns little things into Big Things. In her case, ongoing positive reassurance and positive emotional support diffuse the worst of it. There were some tears because she āonlyā got 73% on a science quiz and she expected over 80%, which is honour roll territory. It turns out that it was a tough quiz and she still had one of the highest marks in the class (so, on a Bell Curveā¦). A few hugs and congratulations and fist bumps later and everything was good.
I think when youāre growing up the world is a frightening amount of change and pressure thrown at you and you just need someone to hug you and say, ārelax, youāre doing just fine and Iām proud of you.ā
Pixel.
2 Likes
All we really need to do is watch and listen to them tell us what is going on with them. Just observe. Just look, listen and feel. They make their frustrations very obviousā¦ and they LOVE to be seen, heard and felt (in ways most of us were not). In fact, being seen, heard and felt is the biggest thing in their lives at the age of four.
(A guy I studied under about eight years ago; one of THE experts of children.)
3 Likes
Yeah, Iām really trying.
(Aside from being less than disastrous example myself. )
Those very helpful advices.
Really? Wow. I never had that. But then again I have a random psychotic disorder not sz so.
I canāt release myself from the rubbish emotions yet.
How could I? My mother is still very alive; she thinks that Iām a natural destroyer and my sister despises me.
I can suppress and I can ignore them but itās there, like a tiny seed of cancer.
All I know is that Iāll be my kidās support, and if he ever walks the down path Iāll be the first one to wait him there.
1 Like
Hmmā¦ I didnāt mean it that way. What I mean is I specualate that parents are in less control than they think they are no matter which way they chooses for example take your self as an example- You didnāt have any of that stuff and you turned out great right? I know some people that did have all of that stuff and they didnāt even get to where you are.
I just type in negatives and double negatives it could be said the same way as āEither way works wellā
Of course Iām not really a parent though---- and IMO itās for this very reason that Iām not.
If youāre going to go down and thusly going down fighting---- that meanās you might go down faster?
Confused now. I am. ???
IMO lifeās simply too short If only we lived to be 300 years old or more we would not have the same problems in life anylonger but weāve arrived at a time in space where we canāt correct problems that have been in our past in the younger generationsā futuresā simply because thereās no way that we can cover all of the bases because lifeās not long enough.
In a perfect world we would give to our kids and then they would know how well they have it. But since it is so short this is actually an impossible feat-- even if we switch it around a little or a lot. Again, I just simply write in negativesā¦ I could re write this whole paragraph in a positive fashion but then iād have to re-write the whole paragraph.
You know it always just seems to come down to the bottom line in the end thoughā¦
Which doesnāt make any sense either >.> <.< ^^;
P.S.
OhhhWWWWWWWW You know youāre arguing with a philosopher right? not a parent? You know thereās no perfect answer to this question and that it is subjective and case sensitiveā¦ If there was an answer to this question that someone actually came up with the answer for there would be a perfect world? Because the average consumer/ (parent in this case) is considered rational from an economical viewpoint. And donāt take that the wrong wayā¦ Iām bending over backwards nowā¦ but even though I am still doesnāt make me right?.
But I never made a big deal about good grades and nice clothes,
instead we were reading books out loud, and to each other,
and finding joy in learning, joy in getting dirty too.
My daughterās reading comprehension is very high, and she will be a life long reader and learner.
My son learned music, dance, and art. He never learned to read.
1 Like
Or they going to be āearnersā? Its up to you as a āmotherā to teach them.
Learning poverty is tell-tale by experience.
If they want more, they will have to achieve more.