My kids and me are within the 10 percent.
Yheres a difference right?
Crazy-making is there to greater or lesser extents in almost all families in any culture that is more belief-bound than consciously and observantly rational-empirical.
In the sz pt’s family, however, the aspects I described are more evident about 80% of the time (and if one observes long enough… even moreso). Combine that with the sz pt’s greater genetic predispositions (or sensitivities to stress), and one can see the relationship between them that is so often observable to those who have the conceptual data between their ears to be able to see, hear and otherwise sense what is going on in those families.
I got a lot of it hands-on, but I would not have gotten nearly as much sense of all this had I not been informed by such books as…
Woititz, J. G.: Adult Children of Alcoholics, Pompano Beach. FL: Health Communications, 1983.
Black, C.: It Will Never Happen to Me: Children of Alcoholics as Youngsters-Adolescents-Adults, New York: Ballentine, 1981, 1987.
Miller, A.: For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child Rearing and the Roots of Violence, London: Farrar, Straus & Giroux, 1979, 1983.
Miller, A.: Prisoners of Childhood / The Drama of the Gifted Child, New York: Basic Books, 1979, 1996.
Miller, A.: Thou Shalt Not Be Aware: Society’s Betrayal of the Child, London: Farrar, Straus & Giroux, 1981, 1984, 1998.
Perry, B.; Szalavitz, M.: The Boy Who was Raised as a Dog…, New York: Basic Books, 2007.
Forward, S.: Toxic Parents: Overcoming their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, New York: Bantam Books, 1989.
Forward, S.: Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You, New York: HarperCollins, 1997.
Bateson, G., Jackson, D., Haley, J.; et al: Perceval’s Narrative: A Patient’s Account of his Psychosis, Palo Alto, CA: Stanford University Press, 1961.
Esterson, A.: The Leaves of Spring: Schizophrenia, Family and Sacrifice, London: Tavistock, 1972.
Henry, J.: Pathways to Madness, New York: Random House, 1965.
Jackson, D. (ed.): The Etiology of Schizophrenia: Genetics / Physiology / Psychology / Sociology, London: Basic Books, 1960.
Jackson, D. (ed.): Myths of Madness: New Facts for Old Fallacies, New York: Macmillan & Co., 1964.
Laing, R. D.; Esterson, A.: Sanity, Madness and the Family, London: Tavistock, 1964.
Lidz, T.: The Origin and Treatment of Schizophrenic Disorders, New York: Basic Books, 1973.
Lidz, T.; Fleck, S., Cornelison, A.: Schizophrenia and the Family, 2nd Ed.; New York: International Universities Press, 1985.
Golomb, E.: Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self, New York: William Morrow, 1992.
Payson, E.: The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with One-Way Relationships in Work, Love and Family, Royal Oak, MI: Julian Day, 2002.
Anonymous: Adult Children of Alcoholics: Alcoholic / Dysfunctional Families, Torrance, CA: ACA World Service Office, 2006.
Brown, N.: Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to getting Over Narcissistic Parents, 2nd. Ed., Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2008.
I don’t have a family nor do I want one YET I will give my life for them…so wheres that put me on your scale?
I don’t allow my nuclear family through the door, either. But they’re still alive and well between my ears.
You know pix, I don’t think it works either way. honestly…
My childhood family was seriously twisted. Seriously. I just had no idea how abnormal things were until I got away from the tornado and realized other people didn’t live in the middle of one. I’ve spent decades unpacking the baggage from it one piece at a time. Too heavy, too much to carry everywhere.
Which is exactly How It Works (I know I am singing to the choir here). We tease out the things they said and did that we bought into one little deal at a time.
Two comments to that.
It’s been working pretty well so far in that I’ve got an engaged young lady living in my home that I’m very proud of. She is regarded as a good and trustworthy student at school. Sure, she’ll do the odd dumb teen thing, but that’s part of becoming an adult. I just need to keep working on acceptance and not overreact.
If I’m going to go down, I’m going to go down fighting. In this case, fighting for my daughter to have the parents and childhood I didn’t. Love, respect, concern, empathy, support, financial stability, good clothes, healthy meals, etc.
I have no idea how to approach to my kid’s oversensitivity… He doesn’t make drama or anything but handling the conflicts in rather passive aggressive way. I don’t really know how to prove him that it is not big deal…whatever
Or do I need a therapy for trying to medicalize negative emotions?
I haven’t learned ■■■■ from my parents.
Our daughter turns little things into Big Things. In her case, ongoing positive reassurance and positive emotional support diffuse the worst of it. There were some tears because she “only” got 73% on a science quiz and she expected over 80%, which is honour roll territory. It turns out that it was a tough quiz and she still had one of the highest marks in the class (so, on a Bell Curve…). A few hugs and congratulations and fist bumps later and everything was good.
I think when you’re growing up the world is a frightening amount of change and pressure thrown at you and you just need someone to hug you and say, “relax, you’re doing just fine and I’m proud of you.”
All we really need to do is watch and listen to them tell us what is going on with them. Just observe. Just look, listen and feel. They make their frustrations very obvious… and they LOVE to be seen, heard and felt (in ways most of us were not). In fact, being seen, heard and felt is the biggest thing in their lives at the age of four.
(A guy I studied under about eight years ago; one of THE experts of children.)
Yeah, I’m really trying.
(Aside from being less than disastrous example myself. )
Those very helpful advices.
Really? Wow. I never had that. But then again I have a random psychotic disorder not sz so.
I can’t release myself from the rubbish emotions yet.
How could I? My mother is still very alive; she thinks that I’m a natural destroyer and my sister despises me.
I can suppress and I can ignore them but it’s there, like a tiny seed of cancer.
All I know is that I’ll be my kid’s support, and if he ever walks the down path I’ll be the first one to wait him there.
Hmm… I didn’t mean it that way. What I mean is I specualate that parents are in less control than they think they are no matter which way they chooses for example take your self as an example- You didn’t have any of that stuff and you turned out great right? I know some people that did have all of that stuff and they didn’t even get to where you are.
I just type in negatives and double negatives it could be said the same way as “Either way works well”
Of course I’m not really a parent though---- and IMO it’s for this very reason that I’m not.
If you’re going to go down and thusly going down fighting---- that mean’s you might go down faster?
Confused now. I am. ???
IMO life’s simply too short If only we lived to be 300 years old or more we would not have the same problems in life anylonger but we’ve arrived at a time in space where we can’t correct problems that have been in our past in the younger generations’ futures’ simply because there’s no way that we can cover all of the bases because life’s not long enough.
In a perfect world we would give to our kids and then they would know how well they have it. But since it is so short this is actually an impossible feat-- even if we switch it around a little or a lot. Again, I just simply write in negatives… I could re write this whole paragraph in a positive fashion but then i’d have to re-write the whole paragraph.
You know it always just seems to come down to the bottom line in the end though…
Which doesn’t make any sense either >.> <.< ^^;
OhhhWWWWWWWW You know you’re arguing with a philosopher right? not a parent? You know there’s no perfect answer to this question and that it is subjective and case sensitive… If there was an answer to this question that someone actually came up with the answer for there would be a perfect world? Because the average consumer/ (parent in this case) is considered rational from an economical viewpoint. And don’t take that the wrong way… I’m bending over backwards now… but even though I am still doesn’t make me right?.
But I never made a big deal about good grades and nice clothes,
instead we were reading books out loud, and to each other,
and finding joy in learning, joy in getting dirty too.
My daughter’s reading comprehension is very high, and she will be a life long reader and learner.
My son learned music, dance, and art. He never learned to read.
Or they going to be “earners”? Its up to you as a ‘mother’ to teach them.
Learning poverty is tell-tale by experience.
If they want more, they will have to achieve more.