Hi peeps,
Hope you all are well
Coming down from a hypo/manic episode.
…Spent around $1200 on pointless shiit yet again.
Some of it returnable, some of it not.
Opened two more credit cards within the span of like a month.
Currently on 350mg of Trileptal as a mood stabilizer, but clearly the dose ain’t working right.
Have an appointment with my pdoc on the 19th… That’s the earliest she could squeeze me in.
Mania is not new to me-- I just never knew it was a problem, if that makes sense.
I’ve done a lot of stupid shiit, and have always chalked it up to being young and dumb, and writing off my behavior as immaturity and carelessness.
But now, I’m realizing that yes, I do have a problem.
On the downswing now, and feeling shameful and guilty for my actions.
On the one hand, I have an illness. But on the other, I also have to take personal responsibility for the stupid shiit I’ve done.
It’s like, how does one take responsibility for actions that are out of their control?
You know, during psychosis, we’re so out of it and some of us end up fracturing relationships and doing crazy shiit because we’re not thinking rationally.
And as I’m finding out, with mania, there’s a complete lapse in judgement and serious consequences around every corner.
…Not sure if I know the answer to this conundrum yet.
I suppose the answer is different for everybody-- I think when it all boils down to it, the best we can do is just to try and be decent people.
…It’s something I’m working on.
But hey, on the flipside, now I’ve got $1200 dollar’s worth of useless shiit to my name… So there’s that.
Thanks for reading