People doing things for you

Do people such as family ever try to do things for you?

I know they are just trying to help but what pisses me off to no end is when say my mother makes a phone call on my behalf without telling or asking me. This rarely happens to me as I am pretty in control of my own life but it has been known to happen.

She just did this again and half the time she does this they say they need to speak with me and she just walks in and hands me the phone. I find it beyond embarrassing to speak to this person who just spoke to my mother. Every time this happens I explain that this is unnecessary and how it makes me feel and yet it continues to happen at least a few times a year.

I know she’s just trying to help with the understanding that I hate talking on the phone or dealing with life’s red tape and whatnot but this hasn’t in fact been helpful over the years.

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Once ago, my father bought me a brand new computer without “my consent”. He did that at least twice. This is surprise for me more than doing things for me.

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All I need is a brand new life.

Meanwhile, my present life has been 100% destroyed, without my consent.

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Hi mussel, you are very sensible guy. You know that she is just trying to help you. As a mother she is just helpless in front of her caring attitude for you. Just acknowledge her with thanks and smile. And when she has some time, speak to her in a polite manner that “Mother, please ask me before making a call for me. I understand your help and I understand that I needed it always but sometimes I just feel fine. When things are not obvious, it is always good to discuss first. So please !!”.

I hope she will understand.

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I don’t know - there might be a hidden motive for herself in there too.

My sis and I are relearning our boundaries as well. When I was hit with this last negative swing and could barely move, my sis did everything… and I didn’t notice.

She cooked, cleaned, managed my bills on-line, set my meds out for me, talked to my parents about booking appointments… I was too stuck in my head to do any of that… so at the time I didn’t care at all.

But when my meds got switched and I was in therapy to get stronger and more in control of my life… I have been trying to do more for myself… but my sis wasn’t letting go of what she would do for me…

There was some friction there. It was hard for her to let go of taking care of me… I had to fight her off to take care of myself. I used to get pretty offended when she would just do stuff and not tell me… I saw it as her not having any faith in me taking care of myself.

Then when things started going bad for her… (dangerous boyfriends and other brothers making her life harder then need be) she didn’t have any faith that not only could I take care of myself better… but I could in fact… help her out.

Now that I look at it… I do think she has faith in me… just she was so used to being the caregiver… it was so habit… so deeply engrained that she didn’t know what to do with herself when she didn’t have me to take care of… (so she decided to “Save” a 29 year old heroin addict, and then a 65 year old hippy glass blower who was homeless, then a 21 year old drug dealer with no insight from my Sz support group… now she has a 21 year old bipolar other brother to save.) It’s not about me… it’s about her need to save people… the lifeguard is always on duty.

It’s been quite the learning curve this past year. Not always easy and placid. But it’s getting better.

Before I get mad, I have to stop and think that for her… it’s just habit… the way to help her break that habit is to get stuff done quickly or just remind her that I can and will get something done… just not as fast as she does.

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