I went for an interview yesterday at a day centre, just an extension of what I was already doing (I work as an expert by experience) and I just couldn’t cope with the 1 on 1, I was feeling overwhelmed and threatened despite knowing some of them well.
I have this thing recently where I can feel energies, I don’t know whether it is real or not but I’m experiencing it. But as the afternoon went on in there I felt so small I was blown away by the anger and depresive feelings that was growing, I was feeling it off only certain individuals, but they clung to me. I knew I couldnt work for them and I also really struggled not to run out, I knew I had to get out of there and I politely made an excuse before leaving. I was shaking really hard and since I been feeling really bad and I mean really bad, voices shouting, commanding me to harm myself and I knew I was in trouble after self harming the worst I have in years (but not severe enough to need hospital), it was more the intent behind it, so I could keep it hidden at all times. I haven’t been so controlled but impulsive at the same time again in years and today I feel really scared that I’m going to escalate. Voices have been really awful and I know I’m gradually getting lower and lower.
I have my degree to fight for and I will and am fighting for it two more essays and it is done. But my fear is im going to implode when it’s done. I have two psychiatric appointments next week and I’m going to be honest. I have different ideations about suicide and self harm but it’s spies putting them there, I feel I have very little control over my thoughts. Which is keeping me safe apart from my own desperation to keep things under my say!
I just want to keep people safe, I don’t want to hurt myself, it just seems the only way to keep them under control. I’m reaching out, as you guys don’t shout, you give your honest opinions from your own experiences, no doctor unless they have been through it know how I’m feeling right now so I’m here. Any advice would be helpful, I’m sorry for posting again.
I was extremely psychotic my last semester of college, idk how I did it but I did…you’re so close it’s crazy! Just keep focused the best you can. If there’s anything that makes you happy or brings you a lot of joy then you should try to do those things to help balance urself out a little and not be stressed constantly.
Once you finish I don’t think you’ll implode…hopefully a huge weight will be lifted off ur shoulders, you’ll have accomplished something amazing, all the hard work you put towards this degree will finally pay off. Once you get it, maybe allow urself a well deserved break to get ur mind right.
it’s cool that you’re very close to getting your degree, but your mental health comes first, right?
a degree means nothing if you commit suicide.
how are your meds? maybe you can get a better med that can help with those thoughts
Thank you, well done to you btw, that’s amazing to get through it! I am close and I feel I have my second wind with my degree, it’s almost primal that I want to complete it, like you said I think once that last essay is handed in it will be a relief. I don’t want to ruin it and I want to be proud of it so I will keep on at it, I don’t think I will get so suicidal that I do try to end it. It’s just a fear, I feel I am on this edge and that quote is keeping me going “what if I fall?- oh my darling, what if you fly?”. It just resonates. I do have that glimmer of hope in my heart, I am well and truly holding on to it.
I will do things that make me happy, I went a bought a sketchbook that I could turn into a journal that could be an art or written combination. That should give me some relief.
Thank you for replying, it means a lot. I hope your day has let you cope as best as is possible?
Thank you, you’re right, I am going to be coming off medication and going on clozaril, at least that is the plan right now. I have a meeting with my psychiatrist on Monday which will finalise that plan. I finish my degree and start reducing. I think it’s part of the stress I’m under, I’ve been on this medication 4 years and it’s been the best Ive been on, it just happened that after reducing it last year: I deteriorated and it hasn’t reached its full quality again, I’m a fighter, I hope I don’t get to a point where I do something that could have drastic consequences. I’m hoping my degree will give me that boost to take pride in my life.
Thank you for replying, it does mean a lot. I hope your day has let you cope too?
I think your initial reaction to the job interview was probably very healthy. I’ve worked in one-on-one settings for years now, and it can be dangerous work. I was seriously injured by a student and had to relearn how to walk, read, and drive. If your intuition was telling you that it was an unsafe environment, you were smart to listen. But now, you have successfully avoided the danger, so I guess the challenge is getting your brain to stop sending you warning signs.
Do you have any calming exercises you can do? I like to take deep, slow breaths while reminding myself that I am completely safe. Sometimes, it helps to put an ice pack on the back of my head, right over my limbic system. That’s where your panicked feeling comes from, and cooling it down reduces activity in that area.
It is good that you have two appointments coming up. Start writing down your struggles, so you can give them a full picture of what you’re dealing with right now.
Thank you, I’m sorry to hear you were attacked and had to go through that, it must have been horrific and I’m glad you are here now and functioning I hope?
I do just need help turning off the signals I do controlled breathing but maybe I should try it with a mantra, like I am safe, I can see that helping and thank you for the tip of the ice pack, ill give it a go for a while, the cold may be good grounding too!
And I will write down what has been going on,
Thank you for your reply, it means a lot too!
I don’t know what you should do but a couple of essays might be too much to handle right now - and if it is - you are able to apply for extensions on mental health grounds
I have broken down at the end of study years more than once- and not been able to finish - because of stress and schizophrenia - it’s not your fault and you can get yourself an extension and put to one side all pressure and get yourself well
One course instead of offering me a fail gave me a pass and took away my distinction
This was only a diploma (1 yr full time) but it illustrates that it’s not just you
I’m really sorry - i have also ended up in hospital becuase of various stress about 3 times
but the med changes that went with them made it very difficult to stay sane
maybe get them to up your dose for 3 months
I’ve just had a 4 yr project fall through and it’s not the end but it’s the biggest shut down of events not linked to psychosis ever… although it could be a personality thing and unprofessionalism things… it’s not ballooned so far
Thank you Chrystal, I am sorry to hear you had such a hard time, I only have 9 weeks left and unfortunately due to the organisation I cannot have extensions in the last two essays, I don’t know why, there must be exceptions, I may ring student support to find out. I’m thinking of asking for some prn medication just to get me over the rocky bits. I am dreading reducing but due to severe physical symptoms from side effects they’re pretty adamant on getting me off it. I have an appointment on Monday with my psychiatrist and I’ve written down what I need to discuss so I’ll see what he suggests.
Thank you again for replying, it means a lot and I hope your day has let you cope as best as is possible?