I feel like I've been lying to my therapist...also, meds!

DX'd - Other
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This is something I’ve been struggling with internally. My therapist has mentioned before that a lot of my symptoms sound like they are results of years of sexual abuse. (The demons, nightmares, my fears of intimacy, etc.) To which I respond I have never been sexually abused, each and every time.

But the thing is, I HAVE been abused. Badly. I suffered horrific sexual, mental, emotional and occasionally even physical abuse, for a near solid 3 years of my life. By a demon, one demon, that was at my old house. I had never come into contact with anything like that before that time in my life.

I can’t think of any other logical explanation to why I would have these PTSD symptoms other than I really did survive and escape from a demon. None of the things I experience now have the same intensity as they did in that house. Now all I get are flashbacks to what happened. But I’m not truly attacked anymore…in fact I’m even training myself in flashback prevention, and being able to distract myself from the scenario which was impossible at that house because it was PHYSICALLY attacking me.

It pervaded every aspect of my life. I was terrified to be in my bedroom. I was terrified to be alone. I was terrified of night time. It was hands down the worst experience of my entire life.

That happened to me. That’s when ALL of my sexual-related fears and aversions sprung up, that’s when my PTSD symptoms appeared on top of my usual paranoia, it was because of those years. But I haven’t said that. I’ve just told her “I have never suffered abuse. None of it was real…” And I just feel like that is such a lie. It was VERY real to me, and it still haunts me to this day. It changed who I was as a person…I am so, so glad I was able to leave that house.

Anyways do you guys think I should explain this to her? I don’t think I can, to be honest because it’s almost IMPOSSIBLE for me to talk about in person. (I almost went into a full panic attack the last time I even broached /referenced the subject to her, after which we quickly changed topics) But should I just bring up that I was horrifically abused by a demon? That that’s where I believe all of those particular issues originated from? I could REALLY use help overcoming that. I am trying so hard.

Also I’ve been thinking about what you guys have said about the meds, and about what the pdoc and my therapist have said about them. After much careful consideration, I have decided to try a LOW dose of Seraquil, on a take-it-when-you-need it basis. Thank you all for your advice on the matter, especially to whoever gave me an example of different dosage levels and side effects based on their and their girlfriend’s experiences. (I forget who in particular it was, I’m sorry) I don’t know how it will turn out, but if it will make my fear and pain go away (not to mention let me sleep like a normal person) I will at least try it.

Thanks again for your help and support everyone. I honestly think this forum has brought me so far down my road of treatment. I didn’t even like the idea of trying to find help for this originally!

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I think you are needing to see your psychiatrist as soon as possible and explain to her that even though you have never suffered abuse, you believe a demon raped you in a house you used to live in and see if she can find an answer for you. I am sorry but I think your belief that you were attacked by a demon falls into the delusional category of thought, not real. I hope you get help.

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It’s certainly important to discuss a traumatic experience with your therapist. Some people develop PTSD from psychotic episodes.

Do you believe it was a psychotic episode?

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A parent of a 7 year old reported her daughter keeps seeing a skinny man with a black suit standing in their back yard. Is that what you experienced?

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If so, it was an episode that lasted for 3 years.

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I would MUCH prefer that it was just recurring hallucinations/delusions/whatever. That would bring me so much peace to fully know and believe that. Right now I’m in a limbo of not knowing for sure. (Many religions do believe in demons…I certainly do…)

However I have no idea why I would experience something so horrible like that for no discernible reason. My delusions/hallucinations were NEVER like that. In fact, pre-demon my delusions were all mostly ones of grandeur, really fanciful stuff. With the demon, all my delusions began to turn to horrible and paranoid ones. It was it’s attacks that made my delusions go down hill and become unacceptable to me.

It’s so confusing. I can’t even begin to describe how confusing it is. If it was a delusion/hallucinations, then where the HECK did it come from?!

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How did it stop?

I would speak to your therapist and psychiatrist about it. You’re not going to fully recover unless you learn to move past these experiences. Those meant to help you aren’t going to be able to do their job effectively if they don’t know the entire story.

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delusions get more paranoid and dark as they progress…that’s why some were fun, some were awful…I’ve had both too.

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(((((((((((((((( anna )))))))))))))))) and many more hugsg

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It only stopped when I moved from that house. But it didn’t stop the nightmares and flashbacks, and all those other great things.

I’m trying to find a way to slowly work into it. I’m just not sure how to put it yet. She knows about the demons and that I could feel them touching me. She also knows about my nightmares and some things that set me off. So I think she has a vague idea of what’s been going on but I guess I’ve mostly been avoiding it.

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(((Hugs))) Talk whatever is on your mind in therapy. Trust yourself. I also think you have a very good therapist that is looking out for you.

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Hi Anna, I think it’s best to be honest with your therapist; how well she does her job is very dependent on what you tell her.

You believed this demon was torturing you and you also believed he was tied to that house - so moving out meant an end to the abuse. That’s a self-protective mechanism - a way of putting an end to the demonic stuff by moving out whilst not jeopardising the validity of the delusion itself. It’s why exorcism was effective back when that kind of thing was practised - not because it actually worked but because the person with the delusion believed it would work. And because simply put, they needed a break.

The brain is a whacky thing at the best of times and when it misfires, the possibilities are endless. I’ll give you an example - when I eat something I shouldn’t (say, one (or more) slices of cake), I actually see myself as fatter. Even my clothes feel tighter. But it’s all mental.

As for the ‘why’ - well, hallucinations/delusions can be linked to our belief-system but sometimes, they come seemingly out of nowhere. My ex had demon/angel type delusions and he was an atheist…but really, I know a lot about Christianity - the prophets, the Arch angels…just through watching movies and TV shows.

And yes, you can PTSD from any traumatic event - while your experiences may not have been ‘real’, they were real to you.

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Yes I think you should discuss this with your therapist. Demon/hallucination… It doesn’t matter. The trauma that this experience caused is just as real as any other trauma and can cause PTSD.

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Maybe if you work through the trauma of that hallucination, then it’ll be easier to cope and confront it?

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I know you speak with good intentions, but you’re the second person to say to me “Oh just stop believing in your beliefs you built up over your entire lifetime! So simple!”

Well it’s not, and it isn’t a viable option for me. Telling someone to just “get over” and stop believing in their deep-rooted beliefs is about on the same level as saying “so what? The delusions aren’t real! Get over it!” Nothing is that easy.

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Almost all religions and myths incorporate demons.

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I used to be deeply religiously Catholic. I stopped believing in God when I immersed myself in Existentialist literature.

I think it’s possible to recover from delusional thinking without sacrificing deeply held religious convictions at the same time. In a way that’s throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Therapy and medication are both highly effective treatments for delusions.

I think all beliefs (religious or otherwise) have the possibility of encouraging fanaticism, but that doesn’t invalidate the belief itself, merely the fanatical elements that people adopt. My delusions consisted primarily in government persecution, but I don’t advocate the abolition of government.

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Also I’d like to mention that I don’t follow any religion. Rather I have my own set of spiritual beliefs that I have put together over my life time.

I know a person’s delusions are based on their backgrounds . Whenever my beliefs shifted, it just made a new thing scary. Like when I was a little kid, monsters were my tormentors. When I stopped believing in monsters it was ghosts. And now it’s demons. Changing my beliefs wouldn’t make the paranoia go away, it would just cause it to change form again.

Thank you for trying to help though.