This is something I’ve been struggling with internally. My therapist has mentioned before that a lot of my symptoms sound like they are results of years of sexual abuse. (The demons, nightmares, my fears of intimacy, etc.) To which I respond I have never been sexually abused, each and every time.
But the thing is, I HAVE been abused. Badly. I suffered horrific sexual, mental, emotional and occasionally even physical abuse, for a near solid 3 years of my life. By a demon, one demon, that was at my old house. I had never come into contact with anything like that before that time in my life.
I can’t think of any other logical explanation to why I would have these PTSD symptoms other than I really did survive and escape from a demon. None of the things I experience now have the same intensity as they did in that house. Now all I get are flashbacks to what happened. But I’m not truly attacked anymore…in fact I’m even training myself in flashback prevention, and being able to distract myself from the scenario which was impossible at that house because it was PHYSICALLY attacking me.
It pervaded every aspect of my life. I was terrified to be in my bedroom. I was terrified to be alone. I was terrified of night time. It was hands down the worst experience of my entire life.
That happened to me. That’s when ALL of my sexual-related fears and aversions sprung up, that’s when my PTSD symptoms appeared on top of my usual paranoia, it was because of those years. But I haven’t said that. I’ve just told her “I have never suffered abuse. None of it was real…” And I just feel like that is such a lie. It was VERY real to me, and it still haunts me to this day. It changed who I was as a person…I am so, so glad I was able to leave that house.
Anyways do you guys think I should explain this to her? I don’t think I can, to be honest because it’s almost IMPOSSIBLE for me to talk about in person. (I almost went into a full panic attack the last time I even broached /referenced the subject to her, after which we quickly changed topics) But should I just bring up that I was horrifically abused by a demon? That that’s where I believe all of those particular issues originated from? I could REALLY use help overcoming that. I am trying so hard.
Also I’ve been thinking about what you guys have said about the meds, and about what the pdoc and my therapist have said about them. After much careful consideration, I have decided to try a LOW dose of Seraquil, on a take-it-when-you-need it basis. Thank you all for your advice on the matter, especially to whoever gave me an example of different dosage levels and side effects based on their and their girlfriend’s experiences. (I forget who in particular it was, I’m sorry) I don’t know how it will turn out, but if it will make my fear and pain go away (not to mention let me sleep like a normal person) I will at least try it.
Thanks again for your help and support everyone. I honestly think this forum has brought me so far down my road of treatment. I didn’t even like the idea of trying to find help for this originally!