I’ve had a difficult couple of days. Past trauma was triggered and my demon morphed into one of the bad people doing bad things. What really bothered me was that he said something that sounded so familiar but doesn’t line up with any of my memories. I’m terrified the rabbit hole goes deeper then I thought and that I may be repressing things from my childhood. I talked to my therapist and she really helped me. She told me that memories cannot hurt me now. The other night after I was triggered I made up my mind that I was going to cut, which I haven’t done for a while. I kept making myself wait and watched tv instead. The urge did pass and I didn’t cut. I’m terrified that my trauma will make me crazy, crazier than I’ve ever been and I will get so lost in my head that I won’t come back. Last night I thought I was ok so I did research on repressed memories and came across symptoms of having been sexually abused. The same things I have told my therapist about how I feel about my body are the same thing abuse victims say. It hit me that I was sexually abused. How could something that is so obvious be a revelation to me? My therapist keeps telling me that I have experienced trauma and when I tell her the memories flood me she says I’m having flashbacks. For the first time though that label hit me. I started thinking of how I would kill myself. I’m feeling better today, but as I write this I’m feeling disassociated and anxious. Is it possible that the stress of my past will throw me so far into psychosis I won’t come back? This illness terrifies me. I’ve had bumps in the road, but for the most part since I’ve been receiving ECT I’ve been good. When the stress hits me it’s hard to eat and I need to eat a meal to take my meds. I just feel so scared right now.
@SunGirl. First off I always hope the best for you and I hope you feel better soon.
Second… I wanted to give a thumbs up for distracting yourself and not self harming.
I wish I had a great answer that would help. It’s hard when your having some great days and it’s all going just right and then a glitch day hits and just throws us back into something we thought we were getting a handle on.
You have done so much… You have a boyfriend, you did great in school, your getting a good balance between home work and family obligations…
I can understand your concern… but keeping in touch with your therapist and keeping sight of what is going well in your life… I’m hoping will help give you the strength you need when facing this past.
I honestly think with your insight and your support system, the people who love you… your knowledge of stress management… your faith… I just have a deep feeling that you won’t slip away to the point of no return.
It’s going to be hard to sort through all this now… maybe its coming up because the rest of your life is starting to be smooth and under control.
I know this is easier said then done… I really hate sounding cliché… But keeping focus on what has gone well in life… and trying to just let go of this past will help you over come it.
good luck and I’m always rooting for you.
I’m sorry that therapy is causing all this to come to the surface. Keeping fighting and hopefully soon you will be again.
the ups and downs of our illness is difficult for all of us and I am sorry you are going through this sungirl. try to remember the ups, like surprised j wrote you. don’t harp on the memories/flashbacks because that is harmful to you right now. tell yourself you can always come back to those memories if you need or want to. good luck and I will be praying for you.
I think you should take care of yourself, as you have been doing, but I think you should also be aware that in recent years the notion of “repressed memories” has been largely discredited in mainstream psychology after it was discovered that some psychologists were found to be “implanting” the idea in clients and thus actually inducing false memories and associated trauma in vulnerable people. It can be a nice little earner for them. So, be careful, maybe discuss it with a psychiatrist before taking it any further with a therapist.
sounds like you have ptsd…from an experience in your past.
it could be abuse…then again it might not be.
lots of people suppress bad memories…it is normal…they surface when the mind is able to cope with them.
it is important that you don’t try and force the memory but instead focus and deal with the symptoms that you feel.
cbt has helped me with that.
Hope you can relax enough to eat, even if it`s only chicken soup and toast OO
@SurprisedJ Thanks so much for reminding me those things. I did cut last night. It has been a really hard three days. I think you’re right though that my insight will keep me from slipping away. Thank you for that. You’re right I just have to change my focus. Thank you so much for your support!!
@BarbieBF Thank you!! In therapy we just talked about general stuff and it seemed to open pandora’s box. I guess I am ready to finally face the past.
@ifeelblessed Thank you!! I am still adjusting to the ups and downs. I’m trying not to harp on the memories but it is hard when it’s in your face. Thank you for your prayers.
@Hatty Thank you!! I can understand where repressed memories may not be true, but in my case my therapist didn’t implant any ideas. My demon said something that indicated there’s more than I remember. My therapist did say that if something is too painful your brain will forget it as a way to protect yourself.
@darksith Thank you! I do have PTSD. I do remember a lot of the abuse, but there’s something else. I hope you’re right that it will only surface when I can cope. Good luck with your stuff.
@bridgecomet Thank you!! Unfortunately with the Geodon I have to eat 350 calories, but the thought of eating is so undesirable right now. I just want to smoke and drink coffee.