For 3 years I was tortured by voices that could manipulate the feelings and information inside of my body. These voices were from a group of people that did not stop talking at all, all day every day and they were very multidimensional.
I have been on meds for the last year and a half. It however took them a long time to get the voices to stop and I worried that the meds were something that may not be solving the problem, especially when I could see what look like people’s faces staring at me when they were talking. Don’t worry, I don’t plan to quit taking my meds, I’m on Latuda now and I am down to only hearing the voices for a few sentences a day.
My concern is that when I was being tortured, there was nobody on this planet that I knew that could understand me and my writing was aweful due to not being able to fully explain what was happening to me. I mean the voices responded directly to my thoughts, so I felt like I had no privacy at all. At a certain point they started to manipulate signals in my body to the point where my enjoyment for working out was instantly taken away and replaced with fear. My enjoyment for watching tv disappeared, and my love of music was starting to fade away. All I wanted to do was sit around my apartment and listen to the voices that were torturing me. I called what they were doing signal rape and it made me want to die so I didn’t have to go through this anymore.
In 2007 my sister committed suicide. It devastated our family and left a hole that cannot be filled. When she died I was a happy-go-lucky person who had never experienced depression, sz, etc… She wrote me a letter saying that I would never understand what she was doing and why. Needless to say, I never considered suicide until I felt tortured and signal dead.
I got on different meds and the voices started to talk to me less and less and I am no longer seeking crazy stuff. I no longer considered suicide. For the past 3 months I have worked all day on a website that I created. Working on the website keeps me focused and it keeps me from hearing voices. My problem is sometimes I get bored of working on my website and very quickly a boredom thought appears that says that I don’t want to do anything. Don’t want to watch movies, go out etc… This thought is so strong that that I consider what will happen if I am bored for a longer period of time and that is when I once again think about suicide.
At this point, I am past the feeling of all day torture and wanting to die. Suicide is no longer a logical thought if I am not hearing the voices. But I am still not comfortable having boredom make me think about suicide and I don’t know how to get past this repeat behavior.
Sorry this got a bit long, I felt it important to give some back story.
Sounds like you understand how devastating suicide is to everyone around you - and so hopefully you’d never seriously consider it.
It also sounds like one thing you can do is develop a list of things to do when you get bored with the web site - so you can take a break and do something else you enjoy doing.
So - why don’t we ask the community to make suggestions on what they do when they are bored. I’ll start a new discussion on this topic - and perhaps you can add your own thoughts on what has been successful for you.
One thing might be: Make a list of youtube videos with your favorite songs on them that make you feel good. Then you can both add to that list anytime you want - or listen to that music you already have identified.
Yeah, I’ve been through a similar experience. My voices are just now starting to quiet down. For a long time I thought it was best to sit in silence and just take it. Get to a place where I can hear them clearly, but they don’t really have anything good to say. Now I just consider them a part of my imagination. They dont stop but I dont have to pay attention to them. Everyday it gets easier to just put it out of my mind and stay focused. Maybe they’ll fade away. Its really like its a tone that is trying to form words.
These voices demanded my suicide. When I was at my lowest I would contemplate it. I had other psychotic features that were complicating my life and making me want out.
My real point is, I’m going through the same boredom thing. It doesn’t make me think about suicide however. I have forgotten how to live over the last couple years.