Yesterday, I went back to my parents again—damn my curiosity. It happened because my boyfriend and I had a fight, and I decided to run back home to my biological family, even if just for a day… Things there are bad, especially if I stay longer. My brother looks really unwell—drugs, yelling, loud phone conversations, mocking me for taking medication: “Oh… so you’re taking pills again?” with heavy sarcasm. Then he mimicked a sick person and laughed at it. In short, both parents are completely exhausted from my brother and the daily arguments… My mom admits that life with my brother is very difficult, but she draws no conclusions. And honestly, I think deep down she feels a lot of guilt about how my brother turned out.
Later, I went back to my boyfriend’s in the evening… and my god, I felt how much stress I had carried in my body. During that evening at my parents’, I repeatedly considered ending my life, running away, putting on headphones and blasting music—because I just couldn’t bear the tension. But here, at my boyfriend’s, I genuinely feel calmer. No one pressures me here, no one yells or fights. It’s strange to realize that some people really had the chance to grow up in peaceful environments… I envy them. And I’m still trying to program myself not to go back to my parents’ for a very long time.
I deal w the exact same thing. I hate living with my parents. It’s why I moved in with my now husband almost immediately years ago. But now we are stuck here again because I got too ill to work. It is a drain on both my and my husband’s mental health. I am hoping I can recover from my illness and get stable enough to get back to work so I can leave for good.
I am glad you have a safe place to go away from your parents.
All i will say is. Just carry on, in what your doing that makes you feel comfortable. And Sod Everyone else.
Parents are common to be a bone of contention. People assume that, just because they are your mother and father - its always rosey. It aint. Your automatically emotionally invested in them. They are just as capable of being arseholes. And then you feel guilty.
The most painful part is that they’re supposed to love us more than anything. I shouldn’t be the one forgiving my mother for all the pain she caused me—all the hurtful words, the mocking of my pain. She should be the one to stop doing that. She should be the one to say, just once, “Hey, my daughter, I’m sorry.”
I truly hope things will work out for you too. We deserve love, no matter what. @Anna
That’s the biggest issue! I often think I owe them everything—like, hey, they supported me, they bought me clothes, they gave me books that led me to discover a better, calmer life… but they also hurt me so much, they never truly heard me—and I was a VERY sensitive child. No wonder I ran away from home, no wonder I didn’t want to go back, and as a teenager, I became completely chaotic—but they will never admit that. They only really care about themselves. @Naarai