Schizophrenia.com

Why do I do this to myself

Everything seems to be going to ■■■■ again, and there seems to be little I can do about it. My case manager ignores me a lies to me and has left me to ride out the weekend with no support. I want to work, but I am not physically able to as it’s aggravating my symptoms and I have terrible anxiety. I don’t get how the system can be 9 to 5 monday to friday. Makes no sense to me. Everything shuts down for the weekends and there is little support. I stormed out of A&E earlier and the police called me as I was reported missing. Now I cannot deal with my case manager I cannot get meds or any other support. HE lied to me and I have no trust for him anymore. The voices are making me so angry and I am trying to just ride it out but I am sick a tired of my existence in it’s current form and to be honest, there is absolutely no reasonable way out of my current position. I am seriously considering ending it all as it has just got to a point of not being able to go through all the ■■■■ again and again. I have been doing this for years, and these set backs really are taking it all out of me. I really struggle to keep going and my motivation and will to even care is really not working out. I am just full of ruminating thoughts, and I am wasting away in bed much of the time because I have no longer the drive to see things through. It’s pointless and we all die sometime right? Makes sense to just speed up the process, as continuing hardly seems worth the effort. I get like this a lot, and I have no idea what’s wrong with me. The mental health team have known for weeks that things are not working out, and I was assured that they were going to be doing something about it. Well the first thing they said they were doing is a lie. I was supposed to have contact this weekend but that has not happened. I am going to call the helpline now and tell them just how angry I am, but little good it will do as they cannot do anything. It just sucks all round. I am not happy and have not been for a long time. I just disappoint myself when I sit there with a knife but don’t seem to have the stones to press it through my heart. It depresses me. I am a coward.

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Don’t do anything to hurt yourself.

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If I understand correctly, you have experienced job stress. Too much stress or no stress at all are not good. Please relax and you may want to find a recreational activity to do in the mean time.
Sending warm hugs to you. :heartpulse:

Is this depression or something. I have been feeling this way for a long time and it doesn’t get any better

I couldn’t know but you may want to find out whether you are just disappointed (e.g. with you case manager) and not depressed.

[4 Ways To Tell The Difference Between Depression & Disappointment] (https://www.bustle.com/articles/145473-4-ways-to-tell-the-difference-between-depression-disappointment-because-your-mental-health-matters)

  1. Disappointment Hinges On The Intangibles
  2. Depression Connects To Grief Or Loss
  3. Depression Tends to Bypass Disappointment
  4. Depression Discourages You From Participation

I did not read your topics in the past and I do not know your official diagnosis so I couldn’t tell what’s wrong with you.

I’m sorry to hear about your situation I hope you get pip and eventually the other benefits so you can at least have a temporary break from full time. Full time is awfully tough on aps I know because I just tried it recently and had to stop it.